In the article “Repair your Relationships in 3 Easy Steps,” I explained the concept of the Rupture/Repair cycle. With both children and adults. This important process deserves deeper exploration.
Specifically, what do ruptures look like between child and adult? And, what are specific repair strategies?
Rupture with Children
Any interaction that impacts the child’s sense of safety, belonging, and/or significance might be considered a rupture. Here is the key to determining this. You need to consider what happened from the child’s perspective.
Let me explain.
Your child happily waits for you to deliver his lunch. As you place the food in front of him,he claps excitedly. Then you offer him a sippy cup filled with water. He falls apart. “No, no, no. Blue sippy cup. Blue sippy cup.”
A natural response? “The blue is dirty, the red one is all we have.” The child does not get comfort from the explanation of why. He becomes more dysregulated, crying now and elevating his protests with, “I need the blue. I need it!”
Now the adult becomes a bit for more agitated and begins more of a reaction, “Just use the red cup. It’s fine. You love water, it all tastes the same.”
Rupture.
Can you see how the adult is out of alignment with the child’s perspective? Of course we can all understand the adult’s perspective. But can you see, understand, and validate the child’s perspective?
Let me help
From the child’s perspective, the blue cup is a preference. He gathers some sense of satisfaction from the blue cup. All humans have the basic need for satisfaction.
If you pause to “ see the child behind the behavior,” attune to the unmet need, it may help the adult stay compassionate in moments like these!
In addition, the child might feel unsafe when you are out of alignment. Emotionally unsafe, meaning he feels dysregulated. Trying to convince the child that the red cup is okay before you acknowledge you understand their feelings leads to misalignment.
Rupture.
Along with satisfaction, safety is one of our three basic needs as humans.
Finally, in this moment the child might not feel connected to you. You are not mirroring back to him your understanding of his dilemma.
You just rushed to fix it. When you dismiss his perspective, he doesn’t feel seen, so he cannot feel connected.
All humans have a basic need for connection to stay balanced.
The rupture comes from the disruption to the child’s basic needs: for safety, satisfaction, and connection.
You might be thinking, “Come on, Laura, all this over a CUP?” Yep, all this.
But not over a cup.
Over the child not feeling seen, soothed, safe, and secure. Because his safety, satisfaction, and/or connection needs were not met.
In your rush to fix, the child experienced a rupture in his basic needs. It isn’t about the cup. It’s about seeing the child behind the behavior.
Drilling down, the child’s asking for his needs to be met expresses his drive for belonging and significance.
His expression of preference for the blue cup indicates his awareness of likes/dislikes, finding his mode of expression of those preferences, and his developing sense of self.
Yes, all that in “cup-gate.”
Because young children are just that: young. So their intensity to matters like this seems outsized to you. But not to them.
Think of it this way: a three year old has only been on the planet 1,095 days. They are new. Things seem bigger to them perhaps, more impactful.
You, on the other hand, have had more time to learn how to absorb the disappointment of not getting your preference. Yet, be honest, do you also sometimes have “tantrums” when you can’t get your needs met?
We all do. Why would we expect less from children?
The human brain doesn’t fully develop, many experts say, until the early thirties. You will hear mid-twenties, but some experts say several regions need into our third decade to fully develop.
Now that we understand that ruptures are a part of life, especially when one person’s brain is not fully developed like for a child or a young parent, what do we do to repair?
3 Key Repair Strategies with Children
1. Notice and Name Their Feelings: Instead of dismissing or denying their feelings, try acknowledging them with “You seem really sad,” or “Gosh you might feel a lot of big feelings right now. What do you notice?”
In this way, you are helping them notice and name their feelings. As they engage, remember to be an organizing presence. Offering co-regulation with your ability to receive their feelings.
You might do this by adding in “I believe you” and “You were right to feel that way.” This helps your child feel seen, soothed, safe, and secure amidst the disquieting sensations of strong emotions.
2.Be a signal of welcome, a safe harbor for your children to land: As you help them notice and name their feelings, they begin the process of taming them. Put another way, when you help them identify, understand, and express their emotions they can eventually become managed.
Yet, you need to send signals of safety/welcome to them as they are sharing. Becoming that organizing presence mentioned above requires you to practice self-regulation as you are offering co-regulation.
You monitor your verbal and non-verbal communication. Sighs, eye rolls, crossed arms, impatient tone of voice all send signals to the child that their feelings are not welcome.
As do phrases like, “There is no need to be scared,” or “What do you have to be mad about?” and the common, “What can I do to make you happy?”
None of those phrases are helpful.
In fact, they send a message to the child, “I can’t handle your feelings. I need you to stop feeling that way.”
You might not mean that, but can you see how that might be happening for your child?
And, truth be told, many adults are NOT okay with feelings. I’ve been in countless therapy sessions where the adult said, “I just cannot have that anger in my house hold.” Or “I don’t understand why they are so fearful. There is nothing to be scared of.”
I get it: the expression of emotions needs to be modulated. But I entirely disagree with sending the message that any feeling, especially anger, is not welcome.
Your job is to teach children how to express emotions appropriately.
Yet, many adults were never taught how to express emotions; thus, they perpetuate the cycle of shutting children’s emotions down. Or, they try to rush the child back to “happy.”
Stop doing that.
Instead, try these repair strategies. And, email me for a session if you have questions. You may need someone to help you implement these changes!
3. Validate the child’s feelings even if you disagree with their perspective: Validating an emotion does not mean you agree with it. Instead, it tells the child, “I see you. I believe you. Your perspective matters. You matter.”
Wouldn’t that feel lovely to receive from someone the next time you had a strong emotion?
Most likely, it would. And, from a nervous system perspective, validation soothes. Tames. Calms. Regulates.
Notice, name, and tame those strong emotions by helping children tell the story of their experience without interrupting, judging, or changing it.
Instead, validate with phrases like, “No wonder you were so sad. You really wanted the turn on the slide and recess ended,” instead of, “Oh buddy. I’m so sorry. But tomorrow you will get a turn!”
That might be true, but not helpful in the moment.
As I always say, ‘Children are not objects in need of fixing; they are humans in need of understanding.’
Remember practice makes permanent. NOT perfect. Instead of striving for perfection, try striving for consistency.
Show up and repair consistently with your child. So their brain can predict such comfort after the discomfort of a rupture.
And, take note of how repairing with your child helps you as well!
Want to know how to engage in the rupture/repair cycle with other adults? You got it! Here’s my article on “Repair Strategies with Adults.” Spoiler alert: repair does not have to include saying I’m sorry!
For an even deeper dive into this topic, try this Book by Dr. Becky Kennedy.