In my article “Repair your Relationships in 3 Easy Steps,” I explained the concept of the Rupture/Repair cycle. With both children and adults. Then, in “Repair Your Child-Parent Bond Now with 3 Essential Strategies” I shared the pathway to repair with children.
Now, let’s continue our exploration of how to work through ruptures, otherwise known as conflicts, between two or more adults. For effective resolution, not band-aids.
By rebranding conflicts as ruptures my hope is to decrease the impulse to avoid conflict, rush to fix, or self-soothe in unhealthy ways.
To avoid unhealthy behaviors like drinking, over eating, over working, and other deleterious ways of handling the stress of conflict.
In this article, I’ll teach you how to break your habit of either avoiding conflict all together or the habit of an ineffective repair.
4 Steps to A Successful Repair with Adults
1. Say What You Did
Be clear and specific. “I interrupted you again. That is unacceptable.” If you aren’t sure what you did, ask for clarification with the expressed intention of repairing. You might say, “I’m not clear on your perspective yet. I want to understand so I can effectively repair.”
2. Take Full Responsibility
No excuses. No blaming. Just own it. “I have that habit. I need to work on that. That is not fair to you.” Invite the other person to express their narrative further.
Actively listen as they share their perspective. Most people lack the skill to actively listen: mirroring, summarizing, empathizing, asking open-ended questions, and validating. Not dismissing, deflecting, denying, or defending yourself.
3. Show, Don’t just Say, You’re Sorry
Let them know you get the impact by summarizing their perspective, “It must be so frustrating to feel like I could interrupt you at any time. You likely rush through things to avoid being interrupted. That must be really tiring.”
You link their feelings to your actions. Even if you don’t agree with their feelings. You don’t have to agree. In this step, you repair by resonating with the other person’s perspective.
Notice I didn’t say “sorry,” anywhere. But do you feel the empathic concern in the statement? Does it “feel” like I am sorry?
Showing you are sorry has more impact than saying you are sorry.
4. Commit to Change
Share your vision for next steps. “In the future, I will enter into conversations with the intention to wait until you are finished to speak. What you have to say is interesting and you deserve to speak without fear of interruption.”
Tips for a Successful Repair
You may have to take a moment prior to offering repair.
If you sense very strong emotions, body sensations, or thoughts about the situation you might be too dysregulated to make an effective repair right away. Notice that.
Ask for a moment. Then pause, make the u-turn inward and “S.I.F.T” your mind: notice your sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts.
Reach for any tools you currently have for self-regulation. Visit my Tools Page here for some ideas. Engage in self-regulation first so you can deliver the repair authentically.
You are showing you are sorry. Not saying you are sorry.
Do not offer excuses, reasons, or explanations of why you did what you did, “I only interrupted because I got so excited by what you were saying!”
It’s so hard for people to get why this is a mis-step. Can you see it?
It’s because you feel like it is a compliment i.e., you were just so engaging I HAD to interrupt. So explaining this will help the other person feel so much better, right?
Nope.
What you had to do was respectfully let me finish, then show your excitement.
And, the point here: do not offer reasons why you did what you did. This undermines any sense of feeling sorry you are trying to convey. It sounds like, “Sorry, but I was so excited I couldn’t wait.”
Which brings me to the next tip: do not “But” on them. As in the sentence above: you never link any kind or repair or apology with “but.”
Notice how often you might do that. “I’m so sorry, but I just had to answer that last email,” or “I am sorry I didn’t call you back, but I was so busy.”
That all might be true, right?
Consider as you read that, though; would those apologies feel satisfying to you? Likely not because the other person is giving an excuse for why they did what they did. And reasons don’t matter here. Instead, showing concern and committing to change does.
Finally, avoid phrases such as, “I am sorry you feel that way.” With language like this, you deflect responsibility.
When you say I am sorry you feel that way, it feels dismissive. And, disconnecting. You acknowledge the person has those feelings, but you don’t show understanding or empathy for them.
In an effective repair, you link their feelings to your actions. To demonstrate true understanding of the rupture from their perspective. Again, it might sound like, “It must be so frustrating to feel like I could interrupt you at any time. You likely rush through things to avoid being interrupted. That must be really tiring.” Instead of “Sorry you feel that way.”
Big difference, right?
Your perspective matters, too. If you believe they need to repair with you, by all means ask to share your perspective after. Be mindful of how you approach that. Try to not rush through your repair just to get to your turn to receive repair. That will seem inauthentic.
The Rupture/Repair Cycle
A true repair builds trust, not just peace. Many people who identify as conflict avoidant tell me, “Laura, I just want to keep the peace.”
Again, I hear you. We all want peace. Repair gives you more of a chance at long-term peace, though. A quick “sorry,” might buy you momentary peace.
While change of this kind may be challenging, the benefits are manifold. See if you can take the exquisite risk to allow yourself to learn a new way of communicating through conflict. It just might change your life!
For more on this important topic, listen to “The Number One Relationship Strategy”with Dr. Becky Kennedy on the podcast, We Can Do Hard Things.