“Just let them” is a phrase that often arises in therapeutic contexts, and it can carry a multitude of meanings—each shaped by personal experiences, emotional wounds, and our cultural messages about control and attachment. In my practice, specializing in anxiety, depression, and trauma, I’ve observed that this phrase can be both liberating and challenging. Today, I’d like to explore this phenomenon in depth, unraveling its nuances, and reflecting on how it can impact our emotional well-being and relationships.
Understanding “Just Let Them”
At its core, “just let them” is an invitation to relinquish control over aspects of our lives, particularly when dealing with emotions, thoughts, or even relationships. For many people struggling with anxiety and depression, the urge to control outcomes—be it our feelings, our interactions, or the behaviors of those we love—can be overwhelming. When we say “just let them,” we’re often confronting the painful truth that there are some things in life we simply cannot manage or predict.
This idea can be both a relief and a source of distress. On one hand, accepting that we cannot control every element of our lives can lead to a greater sense of peace and freedom. It encourages us to allow our feelings and the behaviors of others to exist without constant interference. On the other hand, this surrender can evoke feelings of helplessness, particularly if past trauma or chronic anxiety has conditioned us to seek certainty and predictability.
The Therapeutic Perspective on Control and Acceptance
In therapy, we often discuss the balance between control and acceptance. For individuals who have experienced trauma, the need for control can become a survival mechanism—a way to protect oneself from further hurt. However, this hyper-vigilance can also trap a person in a cycle of anxiety and depression, where the burden of responsibility for every outcome becomes too heavy to bear.
When I suggest the idea of “just let them,” I encourage my clients to consider the possibility that there is a space between reacting impulsively and completely relinquishing control. This space is where mindfulness and self-compassion come into play. It’s about observing our emotions and thoughts without judgment and understanding that while we cannot control external events or the actions of others, we can choose how we respond to them.
Letting Go of Control
Many of us are raised with the belief that if we simply try hard enough, we can change or control everything around us. This belief is particularly potent in relationships. Whether it’s a loved one who is struggling with their own mental health challenges or a situation that repeatedly triggers our anxiety, the impulse to “fix” or “control” is strong. Yet, when we try to manage everything, we often find ourselves exhausted and frustrated.
“Just let them” in this context means allowing others the space to experience their own emotions and challenges, even if they are painful to witness. It means recognizing that each person has their path towards healing and that our role is not to rescue, but to support where appropriate. For clients dealing with anxiety or depression, learning to let others be—while also setting healthy boundaries—is a delicate balance. It requires trust in the process of life, an acceptance that we are not responsible for the inner workings of another’s mind, and a recognition of our own limitations.
Embracing Vulnerability and Uncertainty
The phenomenon of “just let them” is also deeply intertwined with our relationship to vulnerability and uncertainty. When we let go of the need to control, we open ourselves up to the possibility of experiencing life more fully—even if that means facing uncomfortable emotions or unpredictable outcomes. This can be especially daunting for those who have endured trauma, where unpredictability was often a hallmark of past experiences.
In therapy, we work on building resilience by developing a relationship with uncertainty. Not to avoid it or to try to eliminate it, which, as you know is impossible. This might involve mindfulness practices that help clients sit with their discomfort, rather than immediately trying to change it. By practicing acceptance, clients learn that while uncertainty can be unsettling, it also creates room for growth and transformation. The phrase “just let them” becomes a gentle reminder to allow both ourselves and others to exist as we are, in all our messy, beautiful complexity.
The Role of Self-Compassion in Letting Go
A critical component of “just let them” is self-compassion. Often, our struggles with control stem from a harsh inner critic that tells us we must be perfect or have everything under control. This mindset can be particularly damaging for individuals with depression, where feelings of inadequacy and self-blame are common.
Self-compassion invites us to treat ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a dear friend. When we allow ourselves to “just let them”—whether that means letting go of our own rigid expectations or accepting the imperfections in others—we begin to heal the wounds of self-judgment. Self-compassion supports the idea that it is okay not to have all the answers and that it is human to experience a range of emotions, from joy to sorrow, without needing to immediately fix or control them. To get started with your self-compassion practice, click here.
Practical Strategies for Embracing “Just Let Them”
For those who find the idea of “just letting them” challenging, here are some practical strategies that may help:
- Meditation: Practicing meditation can help you observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment. This creates a space between stimulus and response, allowing you to choose acceptance over control.
- Cognitive Restructuring: I help clients identify and challenge the beliefs that underpin their need for control. Reframe thoughts like “I cannot handle it” into more balanced perspectives such as “I can trust my judgement,: or “I can handle it.”
- Setting Boundaries: Letting go does not mean allowing harmful behaviors. Establish clear, healthy boundaries with yourself and others to protect your well-being while embracing acceptance.
- Journaling: I have a form of targeted journaling I teach clients to allow them to identify triggers and link them to emotions, body sensations, beliefs and behaviors. This type of journaling allows you to uncover patterns that you can then work to change over time.
- Mindfulness: I offer several tools to help clients remain open and receptive to what “is” in the present moment with non-judgment, loving kindness, and compassion for themselves and others. In short, how to become mindful. Check out my “Tools Page” for a sampling of these practices.
- Therapeutic Support: Engage in regular therapy sessions to explore the underlying causes of your need for control. Trauma-informed therapy can be especially helpful in understanding how past experiences shape your current responses.
Just Let them: Moving Forward with Acceptance
The journey to “just let them” is not linear, and it often involves setbacks and moments of doubt. However, with consistent practice, many clients find that embracing acceptance leads to a more peaceful and authentic way of living. The process of letting go can be transformative, opening up new avenues for connection, creativity, and resilience.
Remember, the phrase “just let them” is not about resignation or passivity—it is about embracing life’s inherent unpredictability with courage and compassion. By learning to let go of the illusion of control, you create space for healing, growth, and deeper relationships with both yourself and others. Whether you’re grappling with anxiety, depression, or the lingering impacts of trauma, allowing yourself the freedom to accept what is can be a powerful step towards reclaiming your inner peace and moving forward with hope.
To learn more about this important topic, consider Mel Robbin’s book Let Them, or check out my Instagram and You Tube Channel.