I introduced the concept of trauma wounds in my article, “You are wounded, not broken.” Yet, wounds can stay open, not heal. Meaning every time they are touched there is pain. If you are touched on your arm, you are fine. But if you have a broken arm, there is extreme pain.
As such, when you have a wound, you feel pain. With relational trauma, you feel pain from words. From the way people behave toward you. And, from harmful touch or lack of healthy touch, of course. As such, you can be wounded by how the adults in your life treated you as a child.
What they did, but also what they didn’t do.
Trauma Wounds from Childhood
Trauma wounds can result from activation or omission.
Trauma of activation means bad things happened that weren’t supposed to. In contrast, trauma of omission points to the good things that ought to have happened did not.
In this article, I am going to focus primarily on the trauma of omission, because most people fail to understand this phenomenon. It’s much easier to connect physical abuse, emotional abuse, and other types of trauma of activation. It’s just more “obvious.”
Maybe read that again. People seem to overlook the fact that wounds can develop from neglect not just active harm.
Neglect?
Yes. Especially as a child. But most people I’ve spoken to say, “My parents fed me, I had clothes, shelter, went to school, they let me play sports. I wasn’t neglected.”
On further exploration they share, “Well, they never came to my sporting events or I guess even asked about them. They were too busy. And, I guess they did punish me a lot for the slightest mistakes. But that was just because they wanted me to do better. To be perfect. Oh, and they fought a lot when they were drinking. They must not have realized that I could hear them and it really scared me.”
In this scenario, what is neglected? Considering the child’s interior landscape: what must it be like for him to believe he has to be perfect, or to be afraid without comfort, or to not have his parents be curious about his activities?
Neglect in this case means, the things that children need for healthy social, emotional, and relational development were not provided by the adults in the child’s life. Pause here to reflect. Do you know what I mean?
When children do not get social, emotional, and relational guidance they may not develop the skills and abilities to successfully engage with others. Adults neglect to teach them those skills, and it leads to challenges. Or, worse, they shame, blame, and punish children for strong emotions and challenging behaviors instead of teaching them what to do instead….and HOW to do it.
For instance, When you have a need as a child and it isn’t met over time, that can lead to a trauma wound. Like the need that ALL children have to be their authentic selves. To be accepted no matter how you behave. To express their emotions even if they come out unskillfully. And, to have an attuned adult guide them patiently and lovingly when they do misbehave. Not punish, shame, or blame them.
When we are children, we don’t have the brain structures to help us regulate our emotions, behaviors, and even words. So we need, not want, adults to be able to do what I call “See the Child behind the Behavior.”
To show us unconditional acceptance and belonging even when we misbehave.
Children tend to react strongly because they don’t have the “brakes” in their brain fully developed. Now I get it: the child’s behavior might not be acceptable.
And the adult has to attend to offering other ways of behaving. But the adults always needs to make sure the child knows they belong.
The behavior is a mistake; the child is not.
This is why time out is a practice I highly oppose and urge parents not to practice. The implicit message you send to children when you send them to time-out is, “You only belong when you are good.”
Or, “I only want you around when you act perfectly.” So many adults I work with in therapy are trying to heal the wound of not being seen and accepted by their parents.
The internal narrative of the child develops into negative cognitions in adulthood. Beliefs such as “I must become who you need me to be to be loved, my needs don’t matter, and it’s not safe for me to show or feel my emotions are just a few.
They operate on a subconscious level driving your behaviors. In the here and now, you might not recognize your reactions to current triggers as residue from these childhood trauma wounds.
The “internal narrative” of the child impacts adult cognition. Adults develop negative beliefs such as: I must become who you need to be loved. My needs don’t matter. It’s not safe to show or feel emotions.
These beliefs operate subconsciously, influencing behaviors in the here and now. Current reactions to triggers may be heightened due to unresolved childhood wounds.
Trouble with acceptance
Many clients tell me, “But I had a happy childhood. My parents provided for me. I don’t think I have trauma wounds.”
While I am not in the business of dismantling someone’s beliefs of happiness, if they are inaccurate they can keep people from thriving.
Yes, your parent provided you shelter, food, clothing, and took you to your events. Beautiful.
How did they react to you when you were angry? Sad? Hurt physically? When you didn’t comply to the rules or their expectations? When you made a mistake? When you had a need they thought was ridiculous or unnecessary?
So many of us cannot remember early childhood, which makes the answers to those questions difficult.
But your brain “remembers.” Which means, you might notice when you partner and you get into a conflict, you run away. You shut down. You physically leave.
Believe it our not, that can be your brain “remembering” (associating) how your parents handled challenges with you. You leave as an adult because your brain remembers being put in time out when you were in trouble. When challenges arose in the there and then, the adults sent you away. So in the here and now? You jet.
Trauma wound.
Consider other examples.
Say your parents didn’t do time out, but instead told you, “You have no reason to be sad. Look at all the great things we do for you. You are being ungrateful.” Over and over.
With various emotions: Angry? No need to be. Frustrated? Just relax. Annoyed? You are a kid, what could be so bad?
All examples of not being seen or soothed; instead, dismissed and denied. Over time, this neglect of our interior landscape—our thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, needs, desires, and yes, feelings, may lead to a trauma wound. As an adult you may push your emotions deep down, eat your feelings, drink your stress, overwork to avoid feeling your feelings. In short, you avoid your feelings because you were programmed that you have NO REASON to feel.
What we needed we didn’t get: attuned engagement from our parents.
Please note: I am not saying adults ought to give a child everything they say they need. Example: you are in the grocery store and your child absolutely insists he needs a candy bar. No. That is a want, not a need.
Yet, he does need for you to show some understanding.
It might sound like, “I get it buddy, you really want that candy bar. They are yummy. It’s hard to not have sweets every time we want them, huh?” Attuned engagement.
The child isn’t going to hug you and say, “Mommy you are the best!” He may still grumble. And, if you’ve caved in the past he might still work you a bit. But over time, he will trust that you see him. You understand. No trauma wound.
Where can I go for Support?
From this foundational understanding of where trauma wounds might develop, you now start to do the work to heal the wounds. With treatments such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Internal Family Systems Theory you can heal for good. Contact me to start today.