I introduced the concept of trauma wounds in my article, “You are wounded, not broken.” Yet, wounds can stay open, not heal. Meaning every time they are touched there is pain. If you are touched on your arm, you are fine. But if you have a broken arm, there is extreme pain.
As such, when you have a wound, you feel pain. With relational trauma, you feel pain from words. From the way people behave. And, from touch or lack of it, of course. As such, you can be wounded by how the adults in your life treated you as a child. What they did, but also what they didn’t do.
Trauma Wounds from Childhood
Trauma wounds can result from activation or omission. Meaning, bad things happened that weren’t supposed to, but also the good things that ought to have happened did not.
Maybe read that again. People seem to overlook the fact that wounds can develop from neglect not just active harm.
Neglect?
Yes. Especially as a child. When you have a need and it isn’t met, that can lead to a trauma wound. Like the need that ALL children have to be your authentic self. To be accepted no matter how you behave.
When we are children, we don’t have the brain structures to help us regulate our emotions, behaviors, and even words. So we need, not want, adults to be able to do what I call “See the Child behind the Behavior.”
To show us unconditional acceptance and belonging even when we misbehave.
Children tend to react strongly because they don’t have the “brakes” in their brain fully developed. Now I get it: the child’s behavior might not be acceptable.
And the adult has to attend to offering other ways of behaving. But the adults always needs to make sure the child knows they belong.
The behavior is a mistake; the child is not.
This is why time out is a practice I highly oppose and urge parents not to practice. The implicit message you send to children when you send them to time-out is, “You only belong when you are good.”
Or, “I only want you around when you act perfectly.” So many adults I work with in therapy are trying to heal the wound of not being seen and accepted by their parents.
The internal narrative of the child develops into negative cognitions in adulthood. Beliefs such as “I must become who you need me to be to be loved, my needs don’t matter, and it’s not safe for me to show or feel my emotions are just a few.
They operate on a subconscious level driving your behaviors. In the here and now, you might not recognize your reactions to current triggers as residue from these childhood trauma wounds.
The “internal narrative” of the child impacts adult cognition. Adults develop negative beliefs such as: I must become who you need to be loved. My needs don’t matter. It’s not safe to show or feel emotions.
These beliefs operate subconsciously, influencing behaviors in the here and now. Current reactions to triggers may be heightened due to unresolved childhood wounds.
Trouble with acceptance
Many clients tell me, “But I had a happy childhood. My parents provided for me. I don’t think I have trauma wounds.”
While I am not in the business of dismantling someone’s beliefs of happiness, if they are inaccurate they can keep people from thriving.
Yes, your parent provided you shelter, food, clothing, and took you to your events. Beautiful.
How did they react to you when you were angry? Sad? Hurt physically?
When you had a need that they thought was ridiculous or unnecessary? So many of us cannot remember early childhood, which makes the answers to those questions difficult.
But your brain “remembers.” Which means, you might notice when you partner and you get into a conflict, you run away. You shut down. You physically leave.
Believe it our not, that can be your brain “remembering” (associating) your time out experiences. When challenges arose in the there an then, the adults sent you away. So in the here and now? You jet.
Trauma wound.
Consider other examples.
Say your parents didn’t do time out, but instead told you, “You have no reason to be sad. Look at all the great things we do for you. You are being ungrateful.” Over and over.
With various emotions: Angry? No need to be. Frustrated? Just relax. Annoyed? You are a kid, what could be so bad?
All examples of not being seen or soothed; instead, dismissed and denied. Over time, this neglect of our interior landscape—our thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, needs, desires, and yes, feelings, may lead to a trauma wound.
What we needed we didn’t get: attuned engagement from our parents.
Please note: I am not saying adults ought to give a child everything they say they need. Example: you are in the grocery store and your child absolutely insists he needs a candy bar. No. Yet, he does need for you to show some understanding.
It might sound like, “I get it buddy, you really want that candy bar. They are yummy. It’s hard to not have sweets every time we want them, huh?” Attuned engagement.
The child isn’t going to hug you and say, “Mommy you are the best!” He may still grumble. And, if you’ve caved in the past he might still work you a bit. But over time, he will trust that you see him. You understand. No trauma wound.
Characteristics of Trauma Wounds
Let’s consider some additional characteristics of physical wounds Dr. Gabor Mate talks about in our analogy of trauma wounds.
Wounds can develop scar tissue. That’s actually healthy. The scar tissue knits your skin together. But there or other characteristic not so great.
Scar Tissue is Hard
So think of this in a person. If you harden you are not as open or vulnerable as you would be if you didn’t have the wound. How might this show up?
You might be intolerant of other’s emotions, you might perceive them as “needy,” you may minimize others’ concerns as no big deal. Just as an example. There are more ways a harden person might behave.
Scar Tissue doesn’t have Sensations
There are no nerve endings in scar tissue. I have a hip replacement and in the area of my scar, I can’t feel anything there. So people who have trauma wounds, might not be capable of feeling what is really going on inside of them.
The behavior? They minimize. Everything is “fine.” They may appear flat, emotionless. When I ask my clients to fill out an assessment for anxiety or depression they score low when their anxiety or depression is clearly high. They never learned to make the “u-turn” inward to attend and befriend to their interior landscape. No one showed them how.
Scar Tissue doesn’t Grow
Flesh normally grows. When we get traumatized, we tend to get stuck. We don’t grow beyond the stage of development in which the trauma occurred. Parts of them get frozen in that moment in time without help.
So if your partner says to you, “What is the big deal, you are acting like such a baby.” That might be an indicator that you are reacting from an earlier stage in development.
It could be a very early stage if your trauma comes from childhood. Your trauma wound keeps you stuck in that stage of development that you first experienced unmet needs.
Trauma reactions
As we discuss behaviors, let me share that these behaviors come from trauma wounds. People aren’t consciously choosing the behavior.
Their brains react, not respond, in the moment. Trauma reactions. Yet, I can help you learn to use your mind to change your brain.
To bring in the contextual cues that your mind can access to tell your brain, “Hey, its 2025 not 1985. We are safe.”
This alone does NOT heal the wound. It’s something to access as you are healing it, and to keep the wound from re-opening.
Lack of Response Flexibility
When people are traumatized they tend to lose response flexibility. That means you do not respond to the moment appropriately. You read cues and react inappropriately. For instance, a client would start to shake and want to run away when her infant howled.
Logically she understood: she’s hungry, wet, tired, or just needs me. She’s helpless. So why the reaction? When her alcoholic father would yell and scream, she would run and hide in the basement to avoid his wrath.
People with trauma tend to react from a more primitive part of the brain than the prefrontal cortex which is where response flexibility resides. They lose the ability to discern the there and then from the here and now to choose a response. Instead, they react.
Lack of Connection to Body
People with trauma wounds also lose connection to their body. Notice that. Can you sense your body? Can you access sensations inside your body? And if so, is it only the uncomfortable sensations? Can you feel ease, stillness, calm, and satisfaction as body sensations?
Traumatized folks have a hard time with interoception. Connecting to body sensations and feelings. I like to say that many people with trauma, especially childhood trauma, tend to live from the neck up.
They are very smart, logical, and driven. But they don’t attend to their bodies very well. Often, they eat poorly and don’t exercise. They may even self-harm with alcohol, drugs, and cutting because they don’t relate to their bodies at all.
Shame Spirals
People with trauma wounds tend to have a shame-based view of themselves. They are flawed. Damaged goods. Broken.
When something “bad” happens, they immediately believe they are the issue. They are inherently bad. Trauma also shapes your view of the world: it’s not safe, you cannot trust. So trauma carries shame and blame. I’m bad, the world is bad.
And sadly, trauma wounds are passed down unwittingly through the generations.
You did the best you could
Yet, there is a wisdom in trauma.
First, trauma reactions are an adaptation. You learned this behavior because at one time you believed it kept you safe. And it might have! So the trauma reactions, the behaviors you don’t like in yourself now? They were wise choices by your brain at some moment in time.
If that sounds wild to you, consider: What would have happened to you if you didn’t make this adaptation? Could you have avoided that outcome when you were a child? The answer is, no.
Understanding Trauma Wounds: an example
Dr. Gabor Mate shared a powerful example of this. He was working with an indigenous woman who said at 70 she was ashamed that she forgot her native language.
She was sent to a school where she was not allowed to speak anything but English. When she accidentally spoke in her native tongue she was beaten. She said she was ashamed even as an adult now when she tried to learn it she couldn’t.
Dr. Mate asked, “What would have happened to you then if you tried to speak it? Beaten. So you were scared? Terrified. So that was a healthy adaptation. Speak English. Forget your language so you don’t accidentally speak it. And, now?
The fear is still associated with the native language, so your wound is blocking you because it hasn’t healed.”
Then she was ashamed for not fighting back. He walked her through exploring what would have happened if she did that.
She finally accepted: “I did the best I could, didn’t I? I was a child.” She was a child. And she was resilient. She adapted in order to survive.
Trauma is not rational
I cannot tell you how many examples like this I have. It’s always so, so hard to listen to amazing, successful, beautiful, kind, lovely humans disparaging themselves for childhood adaptations. For things that were not their fault. Yet, they take on the burden of blame and it festers as shame.
Let me share another example from my work. Meet “Alice,” a 30-something incredible woman. Graduated from a top tier University. Loves animals. Fights for human rights. Incredible artist. Giving. Loving. Has myriad interests she’s explored: improv, politics, animal training, music, design. I could go on and on.
She experienced sexual abuse as a child and doesn’t “feel real,” like a human. As a result, she has trouble caring for herself as well as she does animals or other humans she loves. If there is no self to care for, why would she, right?
She can logically understand that she didn’t do anything to deserve the abuse. That she is real. A human. And yet, she still carries negative cognitions that drive her behaviors. Irrational, subconscious, self-referencing beliefs related to her abuse.
Beliefs such as something is wrong with me/I am permanently damaged/I did something wrong.
Telling people, “But you are so great and look at all your gifts, character traits, and behaviors that show you are amazing,” doesn’t heal those wounds. People who do so are well-intentioned. Heck, I feel the urge to blurt out things in session myself. Reassuring trauma survivors is kind, don’t get me wrong. It just will not resolve the trauma.
That’s why with trauma you might have to do some therapy to heal the wound. You wouldn’t expect your friend to heal your broken arm, right? You go to a doctor with special training.
As well-intentioned as friends are, they don’t have the training trauma therapists do. And, I might add, talking is not what trauma therapists do. We use tools.
The pain we experience from trauma, the way it stops us in our tracks, teaches us we are going in the wrong direction. The wound can teach us. Rather than suppressing it, let’s use it as a teacher as we heal it.
Please read my article, “You’re Wounded, Not Broken,” to help you develop the compassion you need to heal yourself. And, check out my YouTube channel for video content that might help you take the exquisite risk of enlisting help. I’m here. Reach out.