Conflict is to be expected at home, especially for young children. Siblings and playmates are still learning how to share space, express feelings, and solve problems. The adult’s job is not to referee or decide who was right. It’s to teach children how to work it out.
In therapy, I teach this approach to caregivers and parents. The feedback I get is incredible: less conflicts and more peace! Yet, be cautioned: conflict is inevitable. It’s how we handle it that matters. Don’t expect conflict elimination. That is not healthy either.
The Adult’s Role
During conflict, the adult guides children through the steps by prompting and actively listening. You know the four steps, so you have to prompt them to follow them. As they do, you will actively listen to their answers. Active listening includes mirroring, summarizing, empathizing, and validating. Not sure how to do that? You can read more about how to actively listen to children in my article on Helping Children Navigate Challenges. The adult does not judge, blame, or announce what they saw. You know how to resolve conflicts. Remember, you are teaching them how.
4 Steps of Conflict Resolution
1. What Happened?
Invite each child to tell their side.
You might say:
“Tell me what happened.”
“Each of you gets a turn to say what happened.”
This helps children slow down and put the problem into words.
2. How Do You Feel?
Ask both children, not just the child who is crying or upset.
You might say:
“How do you feel?”
“What was going on for you?”
This helps children build emotional awareness and empathy. Remember, feelings are one word, not a sentence. You have to be sure they actually expressed an emotion.
If they say, “I wanted the toy,” that’s a belief not a feeling. You might say, “Yeah, you wanted a toy and it looks like you are mad about not getting it. Did I get that?” Mad is the feeling there.
When I ask adults in therapy how did that feel they most often reply with a thought instead. Be sure you are getting the emotion. We are trying to build emotional intelligence since emotional regulation is at the heart of conflict resolution. Give children a chance to notice, name, and tame big feelings.
3. What Solutions Can We Try?
Bring out the Solution Kit, which you can create on an electronic device or print out, laminate, and have as a book they can leaf through. It has images either cartoon or pictures of your kids demonstrating the solutions. Your kit can include any solutions you see as acceptable. Some examples I used in my classroom as a teacher:
- walk away
- get an adult
- share
- take turns
- play together
- find something else to do
You might say:
“What solutions can we try?”
“Let’s look at the Solution Kit.”
The goal is not for the adult to solve it. The goal is for children to practice problem solving.
4. Acknowledge Children’s Efforts
Once children work it out, use Positive Descriptive Acknowledgement (PDA) or PDA Plus, not praise to acknowledge their efforts not just the outcome.
That might sound like:
“Anita and Max, that was hard, huh? But you stayed with it and worked out your problem together.”
“You listened to each other, shared your feelings, and came up with a plan. You must be proud of yourselves.”
“Looks like you figured it out together. That’s teamwork!”
Acknowledging effort versus outcome can be tricky as can avoiding praise. My article explaining PDA/PDA Plus will help you learn how to do this step effectively. It is a really important part of this framework.
Real Life Example: siblings in conflict
Two siblings both want the same stuffed animal to watch their movie. One grabs it, and the other screams.
The parent says, “What happened?”
Each child shares their side. The adult actively listens to both (mirror, summarize, empathize and/or validates)
Then the parent asks, “How do you feel?”
One says angry. The other says sad. Again, the adult actively listens and shows softness, curiosity, and patience (I know, hard!) through body language and tone of voice. Non-verbal signals matter!
The parent brings out the Solution Kit and asks, “What solutions can we try?”
The children choose to take turns with a timer. The adult affirms their choice, “You decided to take turns with the timer! Great. Let’s set it for 5 minutes.”
The parent closes with PDA Plus: “You both worked through a hard problem and figured out a solution. Now everyone can watch the movie together!”
To ensure your success
Conflict resolution at home is not about stopping the problem as fast as possible. It is about teaching young children the social emotional skills they need for life. And honestly? If you do this approach for three months at least, you will start to see the frequency, intensity, and duration of conflicts decline.
To note: you need to be going through all four steps correctly and consistently, of course. If your non-verbal signals show danger, threat, or warning, you are not doing it correctly. If you are saying what YOU saw, you aren’t doing it correctly. If you are inserting lessons such as “Hitting isn’t good, right?” you aren’t doing it right. Stick to the four steps. Know your role as a facilitator not judge, umpire, or referee!!!
This framework can take some getting used to. Be patient with yourself and your child!
It might be helpful to watch a video example of the 4 Steps to Conflict Resolution from a preschool classroom. See if you can identify all four steps in this video and watch others on my channel. Added bonus: you get to see the Solution Kit used if you were wondering what it looks like. While you are on my YouTube channel, check out my other free videos for more insights into mental health and wellness. If you’d like support navigating conflict in a more grounded and effective way, contact me to explore working together.