If you are curious about EMDR in therapy, you may not be asking for a definition. Instead, you are wondering what actually happens once therapy starts.
That is usually what clients want to know when they first reach out. They want a description of what a session feels like, whether they will have to tell every detail of what happened, and whether it will be too intense. In my experience, those questions matter more than the technical explanation.
I work virtually, so I want clients to know from the beginning that EMDR can absolutely be done online. In my practice, I guide clients to pinch left while looking left, then pinch right while looking right. Or by using the “butterfly hug” technique. That left-right pattern becomes the bilateral stimulation we use in session.
This kind of virtual EMDR was not made-up during COVID. It was established well before as an approved protocol for clients who were not meeting with their therapist in person. The EMDR International Association (EMDRIA) recognizes virtual EMDR approaches and has deemed them a credible substitute for in-person EMDR.
7 Reassuring Truths about EMDR in therapy
Most people need reassurance before we start treatment. That makes sense. The unknown can be anxiety-provoking. While I do my best to provide this in advance, I find that clients really settle once they start. Through experience they note EMDR does not cause pain. Quite the opposite.
Yet, it is important to note that if you have avoided things for a long time, you might feel more distress at first. Some intense dreams perhaps, a little fatigue, or just some general dis-ease. That can happen with ANY therapeutic modality because we are addressing previously buried concerns. But if you are thinking, “Well heck, let’s just leave them buried!” Don’t. They might be buried, but they are still impacting you!
Let’s get them out in the open so we can heal them instead!
1. We do not dive right into EMDR by focusing on the most challenging memory
One of the biggest misconceptions about EMDR in therapy is that you start right away with the most painful part of your story. That is not how I work.
Before we begin reprocessing, I begin the process of establishing safety. I pay attention to how your system responds to stress, what happens when you get emotionally activated, and what helps you come back to yourself.
I practice state change exercises with you, teaching your system how to come back home to safety, calm, balance. Or, if you don’t ever sense that balance inside, we work to get you to this place before we go further. We train your nervous system to respond to cues of safety, not attune mostly to cues of danger.
Many clients are relieved to learn that EMDR in therapy is not about throwing them into the deep end. It is about helping them feel resourced enough to do meaningful work without becoming overwhelmed.
2. I help you soothe what is most emotionally charged
Once we know what we are working on, I help you identify the part that feels most activated. That might be an image, a belief, a body sensation, or the emotional charge that comes up when you think about a certain experience.
You might think, “But I purposely avoid focusing on that pain.” Exactly. So we go slowly. We have to contact the pain in order to heal it, but with EMDR safety protocols we never have you re-experience the pain. Instead, we have you re-process it. Those things are different. This is not exposure therapy. Far from it.
With EMDR in therapy, I often notice that clients already know more than they think they do. They may not have all the words for it yet, but their body usually tells the truth very quickly. My role is to help slow things down enough that we can listen.
3. Virtual EMDR in therapy is simple, but not shallow
During online EMDR, I guide clients through that left-right sequence: pinch left while looking left, then pinch right while looking right. We repeat that in short sets while you notice what is coming up.
From the outside, it can look surprisingly simple. But the results almost always shock people. So much changes! A thought may shift. A memory may connect to something older. A body sensation may soften. What seemed frozen begins to move. The “charge” on the memory starts to lessen.
With EMDR in therapy, true healing begins.
4. You do not have to tell me every detail
This is one of the biggest reasons clients feel drawn to EMDR in therapy.
You do not have to explain everything in full detail for the work to be effective. Many people come to therapy already exhausted from talking about what happened without actually feeling different. EMDR can be a relief because it allows us to work with the experience without requiring you to lay out every detail out loud.
Specifically, I have you record the “chapter heading” or “title” of your trauma memory and we refer to it. Some recent titles include: kindergarten drop off, coming home alone, move to California, park disaster. Just enough detail so the client knows what we are referring to and their system can process the deeper content. I do not need to know the details to be helpful.
I find that this helps many clients feel safer, especially when shame, fear, or overwhelm has made it hard to speak openly about certain parts of their story.
5. I am tracking more than your words
While you are processing, I am not sitting back passively. With EMDR in therapy sessions, I am watching for shifts in your nervous system, noticing when something is opening up, and paying attention to signs that we need to slow down or support you differently.
If there are signs of distress, we pause to bring you back to safety. Every time. With EMDR in therapy, you will not be left untethered.
This is part of how I work as a trauma therapist. I am listening to the words, but I am also paying close attention to the places where you go blank, tense up, disconnect, minimize, or move into shame. Your non-verbal cues, not just what you say. Those moments often tell me just as much as the story itself.
6. Clients are often surprised by what changes
People sometimes expect EMDR in therapy to feel dramatic every minute, but often the change is quieter at first. A client may suddenly realize, “I do not feel the same charge around that anymore.” Someone who has carried the belief, “It was my fault,” may begin to feel a little more space around that belief. A memory that once felt immediate may begin to feel more like something that happened in the past.
And, sometimes, the impact is more intense, in a positive way. I’ve often heard clients say they are “transformed” or “irrevocably changed for the better.” It’s common to hear them say I’ve gone from barely surviving each day to thriving.
7. The goal is not to erase the past
EMDR in therapy is not about pretending something did not happen. It is about helping what happened stop living in the present with the same level of emotional charge. Including irrational beliefs that do not belong.
For instance, if you have experienced sexual abuse in your past, you might subconsciously hold the belief “something is wrong with me.” I know, it seems irrational, right? How can you be at fault in any way for someone harming you? But this is what trauma wounds contain: irrational, self-referencing beliefs. With EMDR, we reprocess the memory so you authentically replace, “something is wrong with me” to “I am fine the way I am.” You might think, but can’t you just tell the client, “Hey, you weren’t to blame. Don’t think that!” Nope. Wish it was that easy!
EMDR in therapy helps you heal the distorted, self-referencing beliefs tied to the trauma(s) you’ve experienced. We call these Negative Cognitions in EMDR. These beliefs were attached to the trauma and they don’t belong.
That is often what clients are longing for when they contact me. They are tired of understanding their trauma intellectually while still feeling hijacked by it emotionally. A current client of mine tells me each time, “I know rationally I can’t be to blame for the abuse I suffered as a child. I did not deserve harm, I know ‘up here’ (pointing to head), but in my body I still carry the belief that I did something wrong.”
Virtual EMDR in Action
While I don’t have permission to share any video from my work with clients yet, take a look at this video from a therapist’s EMDR session. I do somethings a little differently, but the basic premise tracks. This gives you an idea, again, of what it “looks like” to be in an EMDR session.
What I want clients to know before starting EMDR
You do not need to “perform” well in EMDR. You do not need to have the perfect words. And, as mentioned above, you won’t have to tell everything. People are often worried they aren’t “doing it right.” EMDR is not like that. I will guide you.
Also, the goal is not to break up your relationships. To create cut-off. If you are still in relationship with someone who had caused a trauma wound inside you, we work to heal the wound and the relationship at the same time. You don’t have to cut off loved ones for EMDR to work.
What matters most is that we work in a way that feels grounded, attuned, and manageable for your system. That is how I approach this work. I am not interested in pushing people through trauma processing. I am interested in helping them move through it in a way that feels safe enough for real healing to happen.
And, healing for lasting change is possible. Contact me today to see if EMDR or any of my other therapeutic approaches are right for you. Pain is inevitable in life; suffering is optional.