Nervous system dysregulation makes ordinary life feel harder than it should. A simple conversation may lead to overwhelm. Rest might feel impossible. Conflict may send you into shutdown, anxiety, collapse, or over-accommodation before you even know what is happening.
In my work as a therapist, I help clients see these reactions with more compassion. They are not choices the person makes to make things harder; instead, these feelings, states, and behaviors come from the nervous system sensing danger.
They are intended to be protective, believe it or not. Your body learned how to survive, and now those patterns show up long after the original stress or trauma has passed. To help you cope.
What nervous system dysregulation can look like
When clients and I discuss the nervous system, we focus on the autonomic system’s six common survival reactions: fight, flight, freeze, faint, fold, and fawn. You likely learned about fight, flight, freeze and faint in high school. But most people haven’t heard of fold and fawn reactions.
- Fight can look like irritability, defensiveness, anger, or trying to control what is happening.
- Flight often shows up as anxiety, overthinking, restlessness, running away, avoiding conversation, or staying busy so you do not have to feel.
- Freeze may feel like getting stuck, going blank, or not knowing what to do next.
- Faint can look like collapse, numbness, exhaustion, dissociation, or a sudden drop in energy.
- Fold is described as going along to get along. You may silence yourself, give in quickly, or lose touch with what you really need and desire in order to keep the peace. You put other’s needs in front of your own because you don’t believe, consciously or subconsciously that you will be safe if you don’t.
- Fawn is please and appease. This can show up as over-accommodating, caretaking, overexplaining, always asking if you can help or making other people comfortable so you can stay safe. Again, this reaction doesn’t come from being “nice,” but rather from a sense of danger. You won’t be included, you won’t be loved, you won’t be safe (physically and/or emotionally) unless you are pleasant and appease others.
Once people start viewing their experience through this lens of the autonomic nervous system’s reactive states, nervous system dysregulation usually begins to make more sense. In addition, we start to invite some self-compassion into our work. We do better as humans when we feel better. Believing something is wrong with us, or we are damaged goods does not lead to healthy behaviors. It leads to suffering.
Yet so many of my clients come to me with awful self-talk. Deep down they believe horrible things about themselves and their “Inner Critic” leads the charge in telling them these bad narratives. When in reality, the client’s nervous system picks up on signals of warning and is trying to keep them safe.
How therapy redesigns the nervous system
Did you know you can change your nervous system’s design? Yep. The state of your nervous system will change, over time, with the right tools. We might implement breathwork, EMDR, Internal Family Systems (Parts Work), Mindfulness-based therapies, or Somatic approaches. For a full listing of the modalities I draw from, visit my specialties page.
Lets explore some of the benefits of therapy:
1. You begin to understand your nervous system’s patterns
Many clients come in knowing they feel overwhelmed, reactive, anxious, or shut down, but they do not yet understand the pattern underneath it. The “why” this happens.
One of the first things I do is help people notice nervous system states. Say the client is describing a recent conflict between her and her partner. I will deeply listen, reflect, empathize, and validate. Then, I will ask them to be curious, “What part of your nervous system was activated? What state were you in: fight, flight, freeze, faint, fold or fawn?”
From there, we start to notice a pattern: you tend to flee, or you tend to fawn or you only fight or you only freeze. Everyone is different. But understanding your reactive habits matters. We do this, however, with nonjudgment toward self. Again, there is no part of therapy that is designed to trigger feelings of unworthiness or shame; in fact, in therapy we clean up those feelings.
That alone can be relieving. When the pattern becomes clearer, people often feel less confused and less ashamed.
2. Self-judgment starts to loosen
A lot of suffering comes from judging yourself for the very responses that once helped you survive.
In therapy, I often see a real shift when clients realize their body has been trying to help, not hurt, them. From this place of self-understanding, I help clients discover where these habits of mind, brain, and body come from. Why? Because we may need to heal a trauma wound or many trauma wounds to bring the nervous system back into balance.
Nervous system regulation becomes more possible when the work is grounded in understanding instead of self-criticism. While we will always be vulnerable to fight, flight, freeze, faint, fold or fawn, we can limit the time spent in these reactive states. Perfection is not the goal; instead, it’s awareness. Sometimes these reactions are still necessary. For instance, I recently had a client walking home alone at night. She sensed danger and started to flee (run). Later, she learned that there was a shooting in the area she was walking.
Our nervous system has intelligent design. It just can become over reactive if we don’t check in on it from time to time.
3. Therapy helps you identify triggers to prevent challenges from escalating
For many people, nervous system dysregulation feels like it comes out of nowhere. Usually, there are signs leading up to it. Therapists often call those signs, triggers. Words, beliefs, actions, events, even sounds and smells (seriously) that activate an autonomic nervous system reaction.
Part of the therapy experience is linking these triggers to our body reactions: a tight chest, racing thoughts, the urge to disappear, the impulse to go along to get along, or the pull to please and appease. Catching those signals sooner creates more room for choice and change.
4. Your body gets a different experience of safety
Insight is helpful, but insight alone does not always create change.
This is why in therapy, we pay close attention to pacing, body cues, and emotional intensity. Over time, clients begin to experience something new: nervous system activation without immediate overwhelm, emotion without collapse or avoidance (compartmentalizing), connection without losing themselves. That is often where healing starts.
5. Relationships become less reactive
Nervous system dysregulation often shows up most intensely with the people we love the most. Closeness, conflict, disappointment, and feeling misunderstood can all activate old survival responses.
Therein lies the human conundrum: we need relationships to survive and thrive, but relationships can be emotionally (and physically) dangerous. As clients start to notice their nervous system’s patterns, highlight triggers, and consider how to respond, instead of react, to them change starts to occur.
Together my client and I make a plan for change. Someone who usually goes along to get along may begin speaking more honestly. A person who tends to please and appease may start setting limits or asking for what they need. The client who shuts down may begin staying present a little longer during hard conversations.
Then notice. What happens? Sometimes, those around you may question and not like the changes. Because they were maybe benefitting from your “old” behavior: especially fold and fawn! You get it right? People love it that you were always so collaborative or put them first, or didn’t ask for anything. That makes sense, but it isn’t healthy for you!
And don’t worry: your new nervous system will still allow you to be helpful, to be pleasant, to compromise, and collaborate. But you now you won’t believe you HAVE to for belonging and safety. It can be your choice. Which is much healthier.
6. Recovery gets steadier over time
The goal is not to avoid all triggers. That is impossible. The goal is to notice, reflect, and choose a response. Not have the nervous system be on autopilot.
Have you ever driven somewhere and forgot how you got there? Yes. I thought so. Autopilot. We are on autopilot a lot of the day especially when doing things over and over (like driving). In therapy, we allow a lot to be on autopilot (you’d be exhausted if we didn’t), but we also learn to tune in. Create the ability to notice and then reflect on what “is” with the goal of making a choice in response. Not just react.
That is one of the deepest benefits of this work. With support, the nervous system can become less rigid, less easily hijacked, and more able to move back toward balance. Over time, many clients feel more grounded, more connected, and more like themselves.
When to reach out for support
If nervous system dysregulation is affecting your emotions, relationships, or daily life, therapy can help. You do not have to stay stuck in fight, flight, freeze, faint, fold or fawn reactions.
With the right support, your nervous system will learn a different way. Reach out today if you want to live a more balanced, easeful, and optimized life. I’m happy to help. For deeper understanding of mental health start exploring my free Resources, and my other articles designed to support mental health in my Going Deeper section of my website. Or, gain powerful insights, topics for reflection, and free tools on my YouTube channel.