Telling your child what not to do doesn’t work. Shift the focus from what your child should stop doing to the action you want to see instead.
| You yell at your son, “Stop hitting your brother! I’ve told you over and over.” It’s easy to understand how frustrating this can be: having to repeat yourself. Your child knows better, shouldn’t they do better? But what do they know? That you want them to stop hitting, yes. You haven’t told them in this moment what to do instead, though. Start, by changing from telling them what not to do, to telling them what to do instead. Later, we will talk about teaching them what to do instead, not just telling them. |
The TELL Method
| T | Translate “stop” into an action: Ask yourself: What can my child do with their feet, hands, voice, or the object? Use clear action words such as walk, place, hold, ask, wait, or move. |
| E | Express one short direction: Move close, say your child’s name, pause for attention, and give one instruction: “Jacob, use gentle hands.” Avoid stacking directions or adding a lecture. |
| L | Look for the first sign of effort: Notice the moment your child slows down, moves their hands away, lowers their voice, or starts the requested action. Do not wait for perfect behavior before responding. |
| L | Label exactly what is working: Use positive, descriptive, acknowledgement: “You are using gentle hands. That keeps everyone safe.” This teaches the behavior to repeat more clearly than “Good job.” |
Turn “Don’t” Into “Do”
| Instead of saying… • “Stop running in the house.” • “Don’t grab the toy.” • “Stop screaming.” • “Don’t throw the blocks.” • “Don’t hit your brother.” | Tell them what to do instead.. • “Use walking feet inside.” • “Ask for a turn and wait with your hands to yourself.” • “Use a talking voice so I can help you.” • “Blocks stay low. You can throw the ball or your bean bags.” • “Hands stay gentle. Move back and ask for space.” |
Use This Sequence in the Moment
| 1 Get close Move near, say their name, and wait until they are available to hear you. | 2 Tell + pause Give one specific action, then allow several seconds for the child to shift gears. | 3 Acknowledge Effort Acknowledge the child as soon as they make an effort to follow your prompt. |
Why You May Still Be Repeating Yourself
| Too far away Directions called from another room compete with play, screens, movement, and noise. Move close before speaking. | Too many words A lecture can bury the actual instruction. Say the action first and save the explanation for later. | No follow-through Repeated prompts teach a child that the first several directions do not matter. Ask once, remind once, then act calmly. |
Using Positive, Descriptive, Acknowledgement (PDA/PDA Plus)
Acknowledging children’s efforts will reinforce their behavior and increase the likelihood they repeat the positive behavior. PDA is different from praise. Praise is not effective, PDA is. To learn what PDA/PDA Plus is and how to implement, start with this article. If you want to motivate your child, focus on strengthening the connection. Acknowledging their efforts will help for sure.
If Your Child Still Does Not Follow the Direction
Do not add more volume or more words. You may feel like you “need” to yell to be heard, but yelling at your child is dangerous to their developing nervous system and will impact your relationship negatively. If your child doesn’t comply, repeat the direction once, followed by “do you need my help or can you do it by yourself?” For example: “Walking feet, Amy, do you need me to hold your hand or can you do it on your own?”
You have a couple options if the child doesn’t respond. You can walk the child through the four steps to problem solving/conflict resolution to demonstrate your curiosity about what is keeping Amy from following your directions. I recommend this if you can. Demonstrating their perspective matters helps the child feel seen and strengthens their trust in you. Also, you might be able to easily validate the child which may help them accept that it is time to walk. Or, you can gently take her hand and in a calm voice say, “Ok, seems like you need my help. I’ve got you.”
Later, when everyone is calm, you may choose to reflect on the moment with your child if you believe follow-up is necessary. Meaning, the child or you have something to learn. But remember: children need to be calm to learn. More on this in my next social media installments. Stay tuned.
Next Steps
If you are ready to learn more and transform your parenting, try my self-paced, online course “Parenting Doesn’t Have to Be This Hard: strategies for out-of-control behavior. We need to take a course to learn to drive but we don’t need to take one to become a parent. Yet parenting is one of the most challenging things you will ever do. Training helps! Learn how to parent based on science, not habit.
Or, if you want to gain one-on-one support directly from me, set up a coaching session. I will deeply listen to your challenges and offer you targeted support.