ASK MORE. DIRECT LESS. CHANGE BEHAVIOR FOR GOOD.

Want to reduce challenging behavior in your home? Try this shift.

OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

Do you feel like all you do is give your kids directions and correct them when they are off task? That is so exhausting. And fatigue will definitely have you more stressed out and likely yelling more.  Yelling is an adult temper tantrum and leads to negative outcomes for children as they grow.  Partly because your child starts to see you as a signal of warning. The relationship suffers. And, the behavior doesn’t change.

Instead, try to replace directions and corrections with open-ended questions. Those are questions that do not have a yes or no answer. Avoid those unless you truly want your child to have a say about the task getting done. For instance, “Are you ready to clean up?” Your four-year-old: “Nope. Thanks for checking in, Mom.” Instead, say “What do you have to do to before dinner?” Your four-year-old: “Ughhhhhh. Clean up my toys?” You: “That’s right, buddy. I know it is a bummer.”

THE MORNING SHIFT Instead of: “Why are you always so slow? Put your shoes on, we have to go!” Ask (in a gentle and clear tone): “Look at your feet. What do you notice?” Then pause. Give your child enough time to look, think, and respond before asking again.

WHY QUESTIONS CAN CREATE LASTING CHANGE

Questions accomplish two important things: 1) they inspire children to think. They have to use their pre-frontal cortex, the part of the brain that is not fully developed until the early 30’s it is now currently believed. But this crucial brain region helps with working memory, self-monitoring, sequencing, impulse control, planning, reasoning, emotional regulation, problem-solving and a host of other desirable abilities, and 2) they take you out of the role of directions and corrections police. With that, your relationship strengthens. Your child will be more likely to respond to your prompts when they aren’t directives or corrections.

Think about yourself: would you rather have some tell you what to do or ask for your engagement? If it is something you can easily answer, you might prefer the open-ended question, i.e., “You need to tell your boss that you can’t stay late anymore,” vs. “How do you think you can get your boss to respect you more?”

If it is the first time they are doing something, you might have to give a direction. Meaning, if you don’t think they will have the answer, don’t ask the question. Same with corrections, a child new to preschool might not know that you have to leave your shoes on and hang up your backpack.

If they throw their backpack on the ground and kick off their shoes you will have to correct them if you believe they haven’t learned this rule yet. But over time, you can shift to, “Wait, we are at school. Where does your backpack go?” Pause, wait for them to put it away. Acknowledge the effort with positive, descriptive, acknowledgement, “You figured it out!” Then ask, “What do you need on your feet?” Pause and then acknowledge.

With limiting directions and corrections, the goal is not perfect independence or a silent morning. The goal is fewer reminders because your child is gradually learning to recognize what needs to happen next.

QUESTIONS THAT INVITE THINKING

• “What comes after brushing your teeth?”	• “What do you need to do before snack?”
• “What needs to go in your backpack?”	• “What is your plan?”
• “Where do your toys go when you are done?”	• “How might you ________?”

DON’T TURN IT INTO ANOTHER DEMAND

• Move close. Questions shouted from another room can feel like commands in disguise.

• Be a signal of welcome. Check your verbal and non-verbal behavior. Firm and kind goes a long way.

• Ask only one question. A string of questions can overwhelm a child just as quickly as a string of directions.

• Wait longer than feels natural. Silence gives the child time to orient and find the answer.

• Acknowledge the effort. Try: “You noticed what was missing. You must be proud of yourself!” or “You remembered the next step. You are being respectful!”

IF YOUR CHILD DOES NOT ANSWER

Do not repeat the question faster or turn it into a quiz. Pause, ask them in a soft/gentle tone “What did you hear me say?”, and let them try again. If they still do not respond, you have two choices: 1) ask them,
“do you need help remembering”…then give a hint or 2) “is there something bothering you? I want to help.” Again, keeping in mind that you want to be a signal of welcome. If you get angry or scary you might gain compliance, but you also lose their trust a little. Scary, angry parents leave a lasting impression on the child. I end up working with them as adults in therapy and they have a hard time in adult relationships because they either don’t trust or become people pleasers. Afraid to assert their needs.

QUESTIONS ARE A TOOL, NOT A RULE

Use a clear, brief direction when safety is involved, the routine is new, or your child is too upset or dysregulated to think. The best question is one your child is genuinely able to answer.

Try this tomorrow: choose one predictable routine, replace one repeated direction or correction with one open-ended question, pause to let them think, then acknowledge their efforts with PDA (not praise!!!!!!!!).

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