At the beginning of counseling, I ask clients, “What do you hope to gain from coming to therapy, and what might you need to let go of?” This helps clarify their goals and set the foundation for meaningful work. It also begins the process of attending and befriending their emotional experiences.
Interestingly, most people answer, “I want to get rid of anxiety.” Understandable. At times, anxiety feels like it take over. Clients struggle, however, to identify how they might be free of anxiety permanently.
This makes sense—because eliminating anxiety is an unrealistic goal.
Understanding Anxiety as a Messenger
The anxiety you feel comes from the brain sending a message of danger or threat detection. In short, something is missing, wrong, or uncertain. It’s the brain’s way of trying to get you to act: to do something about the threat.
Rather than seeking to eliminate this feature of our brain’s threat detection system, we practice attending and befriending. To shift our relationship with anxiety—learning to recognize it as useful information, not an enemy. This mindset shift allows us to transform anxiety into an important messenger rather than an obstacle.
Attending and Befriending Anxiety
Anxiety, like all emotions, results from an interaction amongst the brain, mind, and body. Strong emotions emerge as signals that require skillful attention.
To help you update your relationship with anxiety, consider adopting a mindset of curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love—a C.O.A.L mindset.
From this balanced state of mind, we identify, understand, express, and manage our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and physical sensations. In doing so, we use attending and befriending to bring our nervous system under conscious command.
The Nervous System and Anxiety Regulation
If we constantly try to deny, dismiss, or distract ourselves away from these signals, we risk increasing distress and losing access to their valuable messages. Instead, we need to develop skills that allow us to attend without becoming overwhelmed.
Unfortunately, many of us did not receive training in what to do when we feel anxious. Worse, messages such as “there is nothing to be afraid of,” or “stop worrying, you have a great life” made things worse for us. Not only did we not learn what “to do” when anxious, we learned “something is wrong with me,” or “I am shameful” to be feeling this emotion in the first place.
With this, we are not attending and befriending; but rather, attending and criticizing. Which often leads to avoidance. And, it’s often noted, “What we resist, persists.”
As such, I teach people how to develop a healthy relationship to anxiety: to lean in and listen to the messages that anxiety sends you so you can choose how to respond.
How to Shift from Reacting to Responding
When strong emotions arises in the body, brain, and mind try listening to the messages from a place of balance. Meaning, we respond from our integrated brain, not react from the downstairs brain. The part of our brain that does not have access to logic and reasoning; but rather, drives you to behave reflexively.
When you react from the downstairs brain, you often regret the behavior. Or you just realize your behavioral reaction didn’t do much. You can use your mind to change this brain habit of reacting to stimuli by attuning to signals of welcome amidst the signals or warning.
Yes, anxiety can become a habit of mind. Because your brain gets sensitized to over-reacting.
We get used to reacting to stimuli with overthinking, worrying, perseverating. Or, we create a habit of worrying about the future, wondering what/if? Anxiety may feel like it happens to you. But when you take a closer look, you might see how you actively participate in exacerbating the anxiety without meaning to.
Consider the following attending and befriending techniques to help you stay present when feeling anxious:
Keep in mind the following strategies to help you shift from reacting to responding to stimuli that may promote anxiety:
- Grounding the Body
- Use sensory awareness: Identify five things you see, four you can touch, three sounds you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste.
- Try rhythmic breathing (e.g., box breathing: inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4).
- Engage in mindful movement (gentle stretching, walking, or yoga).
- Take a cold shower or submerge your face in cold water to bring yourself into the present moment.
- Try weighted blankets or deep pressure stimulation to help calm the nervous system.
- Noticing without Criticism (attending and befriending)
- Instead of reacting critically, “What is wrong with me,” shift to a neutral observation: “I notice I am feeling anxious.”
- Describe sensations without attaching negative judgments: “I feel tightness in my chest,” rather than “I am weak.”
- Notice your self-talk and try updating to a kinder voice such as, “No wonder I am feeling this way,” or “I am suffering,” or “This feels intense…I see you.”
- Practice self-validation, reminding yourself that all emotions are part of being human.
- Curiosity Instead of Avoidance
- Ask yourself: “What is this anxiety trying to tell me?”
- Engage with the emotion rather than shutting it down: “Where do I feel this in my body? What does it need?”
- Reframe anxious thoughts by asking: “Is this thought helping me or hurting me?” and “What’s a gentler way I might speak to myself in this moment?”
- Explore visualization techniques, such as imagining your anxiety as a wave that rises and falls.
- Self-Compassion and Reassurance
- Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend:
- “No wonder I feel this way.”
- “This is a moment of suffering.”
- “I am doing the best I can in this moment.”
- Place a hand over your heart and practice self-soothing gestures, such as gentle rocking or deep belly breathing.
- Use positive affirmations, such as “I am safe,” “This feeling will pass,” and “I trust myself to handle this.”
- Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend:
- Develop a Mindful Stance
- Cultivate a C.O.A.L mindset (Curious, Open, Accepting, Loving) toward yourself and your emotions.
- Recognize that anxiety is not a failure, but an invitation to respond with awareness.
- Create a safe space for processing anxiety with comforting items like soft blankets, calming scents, or soothing music.
- Use guided meditations or body scans to foster relaxation and attunement.
Integrating Neuroscience and Mindset Shifts
Research in neuroscience and psychology supports the idea that changing our relationship to emotions may rewire the brain. By practicing mindfulness, self-regulation, and nervous system awareness, we reduce anxiety over time.
Framing your approach as attending and befriending to what “is” helps you stay centered when challenges arise.
Further, we need to strengthen Emotional Intelligence skills. Again, we learn how to read, write, do math, we study science and history. But how much direct training did you receive in how to identify, understand, express, and manage your emotions? Like, none?
No wonder anxiety has outpaced depression as the leading mental health issue in this country. I see it all the time: someone comes to me to discuss depression and we discover the anxiety that has emerged from not knowing how to manage the depression!
Attending and Befriending to Foster Emotional Intelligence:
- Daily reflection: Ask yourself, “What am I feeling in this moment? How can I remain open to what this emotion has to tell me?”
- S.I.F.T: Pause throughout the day to notice: what sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts am I having in this moment?
- Breathwork: Engage in techniques such as 4-7-8 breathing to stabilize your nervous system.
- Journaling: Be sure to not only note what is happening outside of you, but make the u-turn inward and note, “How did I feel about what happened?” “What did I notice in my body as that happened?” “What self-referencing beliefs might I have right now i.e., I am not good enough/I am not safe/Something is wrong with me.” Attending and befriending to your interior landscape as well.
- Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR): Tense and release different muscle groups to relieve physical symptoms of anxiety.
- Visualization: Picture yourself in a peaceful, calming environment to shift focus away from distress. Allow yourself to notice how it feels in your body to imagine your-SELF in this place.
- Nervous system regulation: exercises such as vagus nerve activation through humming or chanting or others shared on my Tools page.
Long-Term Impact of Mindset Shifts
By shifting from reacting to responding, we build emotional resilience, develop self-awareness, and cultivate a healthier relationship with anxiety. Over time, we may experience:
- Less emotional reactivity (not just anxiety, but all emotions)
- More enjoyment of the present moment, instead of always being on your way to somewhere else in your mind
- Increased self-trust
- A sense of homeostasis, or balance
- Improved relationships due to better emotional regulation
- Enhanced ability to handle uncertainty and change
- A stronger sense of self-compassion and self-acceptance
Final Reflection: What’s Your Relationship with Anxiety?
Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of anxiety?” consider attending and befriending the anxiety with the strategies above as well as by working with a therapist to fine tune the tools for your needs.
By attending and befriending our emotional experiences, we shift from being controlled by anxiety to gaining insight and wisdom from it.
Would you like to explore more ways to build a responsive, resilient mindset? Check out my YouTube Channel or visit my Resources Page for additional tools on anxiety regulation.