People often ask me, “What do trauma reactions “look like” or “What does it look like when someone is triggered?” This is impossible to answer. Impossible, because any behavior may be an expression of trauma.
Still, let’s consider some commonly observed categories of behavior as a guide. Starting with an understanding that trauma reactions always stem from the autonomic nervous system.
Exploring the Nervous System: responding versus reacting
The brain constantly works outside of your conscious awareness. It scans for “is this safe or is this dangerous?” From that place, it informs your behavior.
Safety? Go toward/continue/do more.
Danger? Move away/avoid/stop.
The signals can be sensory data such as sounds, sights, smells, tastes, touch. Or mental activity such as emotions, thoughts, perceptions, beliefs. Whatever the brain perceives, and the mind makes meaning of.
When the brain picks up on enough signals of safety, we likely respond to those signals from our Social Engagement System. Meaning, we feel safe and secure, so we respond with adaptive behaviors.
But when the brain perceives an excess of danger, the nervous system may react. It activates mobilizing behaviors from the Sympathetic Branch of the Autonomic Nervous System.
Consequently, we engage in fight or flight behaviors.
At times, however, the Parasympathetic Branch of the Autonomic Nervous System may react with immobilizing behaviors. These behaviors include freeze, faint, fold, or fawn.
Please note: the brain has the capacity to respond from the Social Engagement System during stress, conflict or challenge. Things do NOT have to be perfect for you to be in a responsive place.
The work I do with clients strengthens their nervous system. This helps them create pathways in their brains to respond to stress from their Social Engagement System. It prevents them from reacting from their Autonomic Nervous System.
An example of a sympathetic nervous system reaction: A child hits and kicks you. This happens as you tell them it’s clean up time. You start to clean up the toys with which she was playing. Or, your partner gets in the car and leaves when you argue.
A parasympathetic reaction: Alejandro doesn’t say a word at preschool program. Yet, his mother tells us he has a large vocabulary and talks a lot at home. Or, an adult tells his buddy he is happy to go to a Padres game with him. But, the last thing he wants to do is sit through a baseball game. He says yes when he means no so his friend won’t be mad.
We may hypothesize that in both examples, the brain picked up on too many signals of danger/warning.
In the first example, the child reacted from the Sympathetic Nervous System with mobilizing/fight behaviors: kicking and hitting. The adult reacted with mobilizing/flee behavior, leaving the house.
In the second example, the child reacted form the Parasympathetic Nervous System with immobilizing behavior: freezing/going selectively mute. And the adult reacted with immobilizing behavior. Folding by saying yes to avoid the discomfort of having to experience his friend’s emotions.
A sampling of trauma reactions
Over time, consistent activation of these two branches of the Autonomic Nervous System may cause the brain to become more sensitive to danger. The nervous system becomes wired to over-react.
A trauma reaction is the body and mind’s automatic and adaptive response to a real or perceived threat. It is shaped by past experiences. The nervous system attempts to ensure safety.
It is not a conscious choice. Instead, it is a deeply ingrained survival mechanism. This mechanism arises when the nervous system detects danger based on previous trauma.
Let me share that part again: it’s a reaction to real or perceived threat.
Meaning, the brain sends the signal of danger when another person’s brain might not. It’s subjective. Trauma reactions are to be expected when the Autonomic Nervous System has been activated repeatedly.
The same applies to cases of trauma.
Trauma Reactions from the Sympathetic Nervous System
Emotional Reactivity
Children are especially vulnerable to perceiving neutral stimuli as dangerous. Their underdeveloped brains are partly to blame, particularly the pre-frontal cortex. This area of the brain helps integrate and balance the signals.
They lack life experience. Without it, their mind cannot take the brain’s signal of danger or threat. It cannot recognize, “Oh, wait, I am feeling scared, sad, overwhelmed, annoyed (or any emotion). And I can handle it.”
They rely on adults to be that organizing presence, providing the co-regulation their brain needs to stay balanced amidst dangers/threats. Herein lies the problem: many adults don’t know how to attune to children. They struggle to help them move through a challenging moment with skill.
Instead, we either dismiss or deny the challenge, “There’s nothing to be scared about!” Or we rush to fix it, “You’re okay, you’re okay. Do you want some ice cream?”
For example, I worked with a seven-year-old child who developed obsessions and compulsions to help him cope with the fear that flooded his system. He didn’t have the capacity to make sense of the signals of danger (strong emotions) his brain sent. Signals such as cracks in the sidewalk, loud noises, and germs all appeared threatening.
And so, he reacted with maladaptive behaviors to help him cope. The best his system could come up with to navigate the challenges his brain told him were afoot. Obsessions and compulsions like avoiding cracks, counting his steps, washing his hands over and over, and avoiding groups.
His nervous system was being wired to react versus respond. Put another way, his brain over-ascribe danger where none existed.
Often, we call these trauma reactions. And, in particular, this would be emotional reactivity.
For this young boy, covid and the subsequent lockdown he experienced at such a young age led to insecurities. He developed fears of germs that then generalized into other fears. The lack of clear understanding about covid led to ongoing trauma reactions long after lock down lifted.
Trauma can lead to intense and unpredictable emotional reactivity to seemingly mild stimuli. For both children and adults, of course.
One 47-year-old man came to me for E.M.D.R, a trauma therapy. He had complex childhood trauma the residue of which seemed to govern his day to day functioning still. We worked together twice a week for two months. One day I forgot that he asked for an extended session. Normally we met for 75-minutes; but for this session, he requested 100-minutes.
I started to wind down the session to meet the 75-minute ending time. He perceived my shift and looked at me in horror, “We have 100-minutes today. Did you forget?”
I apologized profusely and told him I had, indeed. He fell into a puddle of tears. Trauma reaction. In that moment, I was like all the other people who had abandoned him in his childhood. This was a subconscious reaction.
Hyperarousal
Trauma reactions such as this manifest as appearing constantly on edge, feeling anxious, irritable, or having difficulty sleeping. Any behavior that shows the person appears to be constantly scanning for danger and cannot let go to relax. We see this in children who live in insecure, unsafe, or neglectful environments.
Over time, this may lead to hypervigilance and a heightened startle response. In children, the behavior may look like they are distracted. They may go from one thing to another and be hard to settle or soothe.
The person is easily agitated. Additionally, they are quick to react and to “lash out” physically or verbally.
In adults, they appear as if they can’t put things down. Many describe it as overthinking. Or, what I call “what/if” mind. They constantly question the future with “what if…..” Being overly vigilant.
Trauma Reactions from the Parasympathetic Nervous System
Avoidance
With this trauma reaction, individuals avoid anything that reminds them of the traumatic experience to protect themselves from emotions and memories that trigger them. In children, trauma reactions of this type may look like a child who “isn’t listening” …. the child is avoiding your prompt for reasons linked to signals of danger/warning you don’t perceive.
In adults, this trauma reaction may look like walking away from a child with challenging behavior, blaming the parents for the child’s behavior, calling out of work, and shame/blame/punishment. The adult may appear uncaring, but their nervous system actually switches to avoidance mode to protect the adult from the abundance of negative sensations.
Numbing/emotional detachment/dissociation
The brain and mind protect the person by shutting down access to emotions and body sensations. With this may come sensations of numbness or disconnection. These behaviors develop from a shutting down/collapse reaction from the parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system (freeze or faint).
Over time, and in extremely dangerous (emotional or physical) situations, the person may dissociate.
In children, this may appear as a child who seemingly ‘doesn’t care’ they hurt someone. Adults label the behavior as bullying/dangerous/or threatening. In adults, this may look like a lack of compassion for a suffering child. The adult relies on shame/blame/punishment tactics to STOP the behavior. They shut down feeling and sensing because the signals feel to intense. Their brain puts them into a state of survival to cope with the intensity instead of considering the child’s need for coping strategies.
Going Along to Get Along: Folding
As a trauma reaction from the parasympathetic nervous system, individuals learn to suppress their needs to obtain physical and/or emotional safety. Otherwise known as Folding.
Somewhere along the way, the person experiences danger when sharing their thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, and feelings. As a result, they go along with others. But not in the spirit of collaboration. Instead, they perceive they have to go along for physical and/or emotional safety.
Amongst the trauma reactions, folding often gets missed because it seems adaptable. Other’s benefit from a helpful, collaborative, and easily persuadable person, right? But the downside comes from not attending to your own needs; always putting others first. You lose your sense of self and the value of having boundaries, expressing one’s needs, and believing that you matter even when you are not doing things for other.
For example, a child folds when they disregard their strong thoughts and feelings about something to comply with another. Here is the key, though. They do so because they fear punishment or loss of connection. In short, they give up asserting their needs to maintain connection to others.
We call this behavior co-dependency in adults. It starts in childhood. The adult complies with something they truly do not want to agree to. They go along to get along. Meaning, subconsciously, they fear rejection and loss of the relationship if they say “no” or share an alternative option. This can be hard to assess in both children and adults. It takes careful observation over time and healthy communication.
Pleasing and Appeasing: fawning
Another survival reaction from the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system involves ongoing scanning for how to please others. We call this Please and Appease behavior.
Fawning adults appear very pleasant and attentive to other’s needs. For instance, always noticing that something needs to be cleaned or fixed and doing it.
Constantly asking you if you need help with something. Yet, their helpfulness becomes burdensome. People feel the sense that they have to find something for you to help with to appease you.
The pleasing and appeasing, fawning, behaviors receive praise. The person unfortunately receives signals of welcome for this behavior.
But a person who pleases and appeases does so out of fear and a belief they must perform in order to be loved.
They accommodate others to manage one or more subconsciously running distorted, negative beliefs. Cognitions such as, “I have to always take care of others.” Or, “It’s not safe for me to show my feelings.”
Many believe, “My needs are not important.” With that, they often believe, “Others needs are more important than mind. “And maybe, “I only matter when I do things for others, etc.” These beliefs are subconscious, but in therapy we access them.
The pleasing and appeasing behavior is typically pleasant for others, but over time it can become a burden to others. They become annoyed by the constant pressure. They feel responsible for finding ways to make you helpful to them.
You must ascertain whether your helping behavior stems from a trauma-reaction versus a safe, resourced place of desiring to help.
Additional trauma reactions often overlooked
Intrusive thoughts or flashbacks: Recurrent, distressing thoughts, memories, or images related to a traumatic event can intrude into a person’s daily life. Not a lot is known about this in children because they are not reliable reporters.
But if you find yourself saying that child “isn’t listening,” they might be “listening” inward instead. Perceiving internal signals of warning that take precedence over what you are asking them to do.
This trauma reaction includes behaviors such as being slow to follow directions, requests, answer questions. With adults, their reactions seem out of alignment with the current environment. They may appear to be there but “not there” when they experience flashbacks. As if they have become entranced.
Remember, the brain drives behavior outside of our conscious awareness. Meaning, the person REACTS from the downstairs brain instead of RESPONDING from the integrated brain. Subconscious reactions do not come from thoughtful choice. Thus, people do not choose trauma reactions.
Do not interpret the examples above as purposeful, conscious, and willful behavior; but rather, trauma reactions to signals of threat. With this, you will avoid re-traumatizing someone by your response to their behavior.
When trauma-reactions occur, either in yourself or others, consider the following.
Try silently whispering to yourself, “What happened to them/me?”
Avoid thinking, “What is wrong with them?” From this open and receptive mindset, you attune to find the best path toward healing.
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