People often ask me, “What do trauma reactions “look like” or “What does it look like when someone is triggered?” This is impossible to answer. Impossible, because any behavior may be an expression of trauma.
Still, let’s consider some commonly observed categories of behavior as a guide. Starting with an understanding that trauma reactions always stem from the autonomic nervous system.
Autonomic nervous system reaction
This is an implicit reaction to perceived danger/threat by the brain: fight/flight/freeze/faint/fold or fawn. Meaning, the person doesn’t think about how to react; they just do. When speaking of a trauma reaction, you always mean a behavior that stems from the autonomic nervous system.
The reaction comes from either the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system or the parasympathetic branch.
An example of a sympathetic nervous system reaction: A child hits and kicks you as you tell them it’s clean up time and you start to clean up the toys with which she was playing.
A parasympathetic reaction: Alejandro doesn’t say a word at preschool program, yet his mother tells us he has a large vocabulary and talks a lot at home.
A sampling of trauma reactions
Emotional Reactivity: Trauma can lead to intense and unpredictable emotional reactions to seemingly mild stimuli. In children, they don’t have the brain structure/regions developed that help them “hold it together” like adults do. Instead, the child’s challenging behavior tells you a story about the child’s perception of danger that their words cannot express.
They hit a child that walks past them or kick over their block tower when they want to use the blocks for their play. In adults, the behavior may look similar: they act out the emotions with verbal and non-verbal signals of warning, reacting from the “downstairs brain.” Yelling at a child reveals emotional reactivity. The adult reacts versus responds calmly. Remember that emotional reactivity presents with externalizing behaviors like yelling or crying, but also internalizing behavior such as shut down, collapse, silence, and over-compliance.
Hyperarousal: Trauma reactions such as this manifest as appearing constantly on edge, feeling anxious, irritable, or having difficulty sleeping. Any behaviors that show the person cannot let go and stop. It can lead to hypervigilance and a heightened startle response. In children, the behavior may look like they are distracted, going from one thing to another, hard to settle/soothe, easily agitated, quick to react and to “lash out” physically or verbally. In adults the behaviors may look similar, but they may also appear helpful and/or very pleasant and attentive to other’s needs i.e., always noticing that something needs to be cleaned or fixed and doing it. Adults with hyperarousal may have strong anxiety and seem on edge a lot.
Parasympathetic nervous system reactions
Avoidance: Individuals might try to avoid anything that reminds them of the traumatic experience to protect themselves from emotions and memories that trigger them. In children, trauma reactions of this type may look like a child who “isn’t listening” …. the child is avoiding your prompt for reasons linked to signals of danger/warning you don’t perceive.
In adults, it can look like walking away from a child with challenging behavior, blaming the parents for the child’s behavior, calling out of work, and shame/blame/punishment. The adult may appear uncaring, but their nervous system actually switches to avoidance mode to protect the adult from the abundance of negative sensations.
Numbing/emotional detachment/dissociation: The brain and mind protect the person by shutting down access to emotions and body sensations. With this come feelings of numbness or disconnection. These behaviors develop from a shutting down/collapse reaction from the parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system (freeze or faint).
In children, this may appear as a child who seemingly ‘doesn’t care’ they hurt someone. Adults label the behavior as bullying/dangerous/or threatening. In adults, this may look like a lack of compassion for a suffering child. The adult relies on shame/blame/punishment tactics to STOP the behavior. They shut everything down to help themselves cope instead of considering the child’s need for coping strategies.
Trauma reactions that often get missed
Going along to get along: As a survival reaction from the parasympathetic nervous system, individuals learn to suppress their needs to obtain physical and/or emotional safety. Otherwise known as Folding. Somewhere along the way, the person experiences danger when sharing their thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, and feelings. As a result, they go along with others. But not in the spirit of collaboration. Instead, they perceive they have to go along for physical and/or emotional safety.
Amongst the trauma reactions, folding often gets missed because it seems adaptable. Other’s benefit from a helpful, collaborative, and easily persuadable person, right? But the downside comes from not attending to your own needs; always putting others first. For example, a child folds when they disregard their strong thoughts and feelings about something to comply with another. Here is the key, though. They do so because they fear punishment or loss of connection. In short, they give up asserting their needs to maintain connection to others.
Later in life, we call this co-dependency. In adults, folding looks similar. The adult complies with something they truly do not want to agree to. They go along to get along. Meaning, subconsciously, they fear rejection and loss of the relationship if they say “no” or share an alternative option. This can be hard to assess in both children and adults. It takes careful observation over time and healthy communication.
Pleasing and appeasing: A second survival reaction from the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system, involves ongoing scanning for how to please others. Please and appease mode. With trauma reactions such as these, the person not only agrees with you, they also constantly look for ways to make sure others are satisfied/happy/have their needs met. Again, this behavior may feel beneficial to others.
The pleasing and appeasing behaviors receive praise and the person benefits from signals of welcome as a result. But a person who pleases and appeases does so out of fear. They accommodate others to manage one or more subconsciously running distorted, negative beliefs. Cognitions such as, “I have to always take care of others.” Or, “It’s not safe for me to show my feelings.” Many believe, “My needs are not important.” With that, they often believe, “Others needs are more important than mind. “And maybe, “I only matter when I do things for others, etc.,”
The pleasing and appeasing behavior is typically pleasant for others. You must ascertain whether the behavior stems from a trauma-reaction versus a safe, resourced place of desiring to help.
More subtle behaviors
Intrusive thoughts or flashbacks: Recurrent, distressing thoughts, memories, or images related to a traumatic event can intrude into a person’s daily life. Not a lot is known about this in children because they are not reliable reporters. But if you find yourself saying that child “isn’t listening,” they might be “listening” inward instead. Perceiving internal signals of warning that take precedence over what you are asking them to do. This trauma reaction includes behaviors such as being slow to follow directions, requests, answer questions. With adults, their reactions seem out of alignment with the current environment. They may appear to be there but “not there” when they experience flashbacks. As if they move in a trance.
Remember, the brain drives behavior outside of our conscious awareness. Meaning, the person REACTS from the downstairs brain instead of RESPONDING from the integrated brain. Subconscious reactions do not come from thoughtful choice.
Do not interpret the examples above as purposeful, conscious, and willful behavior; but rather, trauma reactions to signals of threat. With this, you will avoid re-traumatizing someone by your response to their behavior. When trauma-reactions occur, either in yourself or others, consider the following.
Try silently whispering to yourself, “What happened to them/me?”
Avoid thinking, “What is wrong with them?” From this open and receptive mindset, you attune to find the best path toward healing.
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