People often ask me, “What do trauma reactions “look like” or “What does it look like when someone is triggered?” This is impossible to answer. Impossible, because any behavior may be an expression of trauma.
Still, let’s consider some commonly observed categories of behavior as a guide. Starting with an understanding that trauma reactions always stem from the autonomic nervous system.
Exploring the Nervous System: responding versus reacting
Outside of your conscious awareness, the brain constantly scans for “is this safe or is this dangerous,” and from that place informs your behavior. Safety? Go toward/continue/do more. Danger? Move away/avoid/stop.
The signals can be sensory data such as sounds, sights, smells, tastes, touch. Or mental activity such as emotions, thoughts, perceptions, beliefs. Whatever the brain perceives, and the mind makes meaning of.
When the brain picks up on enough signals of safety, we likely respond to those signals from our Social Engagement System. Meaning, we feel safe and secure, so we respond with adaptive behaviors.
But when the brain perceives an excess of danger, the nervous system may react with mobilizing behaviors from the Sympathetic Branch of the Autonomic Nervous System, and we engage in fight or flight behaviors. At times, however, the Parasympathetic Branch of the Autonomic Nervous System may react with immobilizing behaviors such as freeze, faint, fold or fawn.
Please note: the brain has the capacity to respond from the Social Engagement System during stress, conflict or challenge. Things do NOT have to be perfect for you to be in a responsive place. The work I do with clients strengthens their nervous system, so they create pathways in their brains to respond instead of reacting to stress from their Social Engagement System not their Autonomic Nervous System.
An example of a sympathetic nervous system reaction: A child hits and kicks you as you tell them it’s clean up time and you start to clean up the toys with which she was playing. Or, your partner gets in the car and leaves when you argue.
A parasympathetic reaction: Alejandro doesn’t say a word at preschool program, yet his mother tells us he has a large vocabulary and talks a lot at home. Or, an adult tells his buddy he is happy to go to a Padres game with him when the last thing he wants to do is sit through a baseball game. But he doesn’t want his friend to be mad at him so he goes.
We may hypothesize that in both examples, the brain picked up on too many signals of danger/warning. In the first example, the child reacted from the Sympathetic Nervous System with mobilizing/fight behaviors: kicking and hitting The adult reacted with mobilizing/flee behavior, leaving the house.
In the second example, the child reacted form the Parasympathetic Nervous System with immobilizing behavior: freezing/going selectively mute. And the adult reacted with immobilizing behavior, folding by saying yes to avoid the discomfort of having to sense his friend’s emotions.
A sampling of trauma reactions: sympathetic and parasympathetic
Over time, consistent activation of these two branches of the Autonomic Nervous System may lead to a heightened sensitivity to danger in the brain. The nervous system becomes wired to over-react.
A trauma reaction is the body and mind’s automatic and adaptive response to a real or perceived threat, shaped by past experiences and the nervous system’s attempt to ensure safety. It is not a conscious choice but a deeply ingrained survival mechanism that arises when the nervous system detects danger based on previous trauma.
And let me share that part again: it’s a reaction to real or perceived threat. Meaning, the brain sends the signal of danger when another person’s brain might not. It’s subjective. And when there has been repeated activation of the Autonomic Nervous System and/or trauma, one would expect trauma reactions to follow.
Trauma Reactions from the Sympathetic Nervous System
Emotional Reactivity
Children are especially vulnerable to perceiving neutral stimuli as dangerous because of their underdeveloped brains; in particular, the pre-frontal cortex that helps integrate and balance the signals. In addition, they don’t have the life experience for their mind to take the brain’s signal of danger/threat and say, “Oh, wait, I am feeling scared/sad/overwhelmed/annoyed (or any emotion). And I can handle it.”
They rely on adults to be that organizing presence, providing the co-regulation their brain needs to stay balanced amidst dangers/threats. Herein lies the problem: many adults don’t know how to attune to children and help them move through a challenging moment with skill. Instead, we either dismiss or deny the challenge, “There’s nothing to be scared about!” Or we rush to fix it, “You’re okay, you’re okay. Do you want some ice cream?”
For example, I worked with a seven-year-old child who developed obsessions and compulsions to help him cope with the fear that flooded his system. He didn’t have the capacity to make sense of the signals of danger (strong emotions) his brain sent. Signals such as cracks in the sidewalk, loud noises, and germs all appeared threatening.
And so, he reacted with maladaptive behaviors to help him cope. The best his system could come up with to navigate the challenges his brain told him were afoot. Obsessions and compulsions like avoiding cracks, counting his steps, washing his hands over and over, and avoiding groups.
His nervous system was being wired to react versus respond. Put another way, his brain over-ascribe danger where none existed.
Often, we call these trauma reactions. And, in particular, this would be emotional reactivity.
For this young boy, covid and the subsequent lockdown he experienced at such a young age led to insecurities and fears of germs that then generalized into other fears. The trauma of covid led to ongoing trauma reactions long after lock down lifted.
Trauma can lead to intense and unpredictable emotional reactivity to seemingly mild stimuli. For both children and adults, of course.
One 57-year-old man came to me for E.M.D.R, a trauma therapy. He had complex childhood trauma the residue of which seemed to govern his day to day functional still. Very typical. We worked together twice a week for two months when one day I forgot that he asked for an extended session. Normally we met for 75-minutes; but for this session, he requested 100-minutes.
I started to wind down the session to meet the 75-minute ending time. He perceived my shift and looked at me in horror, “We have 100-minutes today. Did you forget?” I apologized profusely and told him I had, indeed. He fell into a puddle of tears. Trauma reaction. In that moment, I was all the other people who had abandoned him in his childhood.
Hyperarousal
Trauma reactions such as this manifest as appearing constantly on edge, feeling anxious, irritable, or having difficulty sleeping. Any behavior that shows the person appears to be constantly scanning for danger and cannot let go to relax. We see this even in children who live in insecure, unsafe, or neglectful environments.
Over time, this may lead to hypervigilance and a heightened startle response. In children, the behavior may look like they are distracted, going from one thing to another, hard to settle/soothe, easily agitated, quick to react and to “lash out” physically or verbally.
In adults the behavior may look similar, but they may also appear overly helpful and/or very pleasant and attentive to other’s needs i.e., always noticing that something needs to be cleaned or fixed and doing it, constantly asking you if you need help, what can they do. Adults with hyperarousal may have strong anxiety and seem on edge a lot.
Trauma Reactions from the Parasympathetic Nervous System
Avoidance
With this trauma reaction, individuals avoid anything that reminds them of the traumatic experience to protect themselves from emotions and memories that trigger them. In children, trauma reactions of this type may look like a child who “isn’t listening” …. the child is avoiding your prompt for reasons linked to signals of danger/warning you don’t perceive.
In adults, this trauma reaction may look like walking away from a child with challenging behavior, blaming the parents for the child’s behavior, calling out of work, and shame/blame/punishment. The adult may appear uncaring, but their nervous system actually switches to avoidance mode to protect the adult from the abundance of negative sensations.
Numbing/emotional detachment/dissociation
The brain and mind protect the person by shutting down access to emotions and body sensations. With this may come sensations of numbness or disconnection. These behaviors develop from a shutting down/collapse reaction from the parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system (freeze or faint).
Over time, and in extremely dangerous (emotional or physical) situations, the person may dissociate.
In children, this may appear as a child who seemingly ‘doesn’t care’ they hurt someone. Adults label the behavior as bullying/dangerous/or threatening. In adults, this may look like a lack of compassion for a suffering child. The adult relies on shame/blame/punishment tactics to STOP the behavior. They shut down feeling and sensing because the signals feel to intense. Their brain puts them into a state of survival to cope with the intensity instead of considering the child’s need for coping strategies.
Going Along to Get Along: Folding
As a trauma reaction from the parasympathetic nervous system, individuals learn to suppress their needs to obtain physical and/or emotional safety. Otherwise known as Folding.
Somewhere along the way, the person experiences danger when sharing their thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, and feelings. As a result, they go along with others. But not in the spirit of collaboration. Instead, they perceive they have to go along for physical and/or emotional safety.
Amongst the trauma reactions, folding often gets missed because it seems adaptable. Other’s benefit from a helpful, collaborative, and easily persuadable person, right? But the downside comes from not attending to your own needs; always putting others first. You lose your sense of self and the value of having boundaries, expressing one’s needs, and believing that you matter even when you are not doing things for other.
For example, a child folds when they disregard their strong thoughts and feelings about something to comply with another. Here is the key, though. They do so because they fear punishment or loss of connection. In short, they give up asserting their needs to maintain connection to others.
We call this behavior co-dependency in adults. It starts in childhood. The adult complies with something they truly do not want to agree to. They go along to get along. Meaning, subconsciously, they fear rejection and loss of the relationship if they say “no” or share an alternative option. This can be hard to assess in both children and adults. It takes careful observation over time and healthy communication.
Pleasing and Appeasing: fawning
Another survival reaction from the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system involves ongoing scanning for how to please others. We call this Please and Appease behavior. With trauma reactions such as these, the person not only agrees with you, they also constantly look for ways to make sure others are satisfied/happy/have their needs met. Again, this behavior may feel beneficial to others.
The pleasing and appeasing behaviors receive praise. The person unfortunately receives signals of welcome for this behavior. But a person who pleases and appeases does so out of fear and a belief they must comply in order to be loved.
They accommodate others to manage one or more subconsciously running distorted, negative beliefs. Cognitions such as, “I have to always take care of others.” Or, “It’s not safe for me to show my feelings.” Many believe, “My needs are not important.” With that, they often believe, “Others needs are more important than mind. “And maybe, “I only matter when I do things for others, etc.,”
The pleasing and appeasing behavior is typically pleasant for others, but over time it can become a burden to others. They become annoyed with the constant pressure to help you feel better by finding some way for you to helpful to them. You must ascertain whether your helping behavior stems from a trauma-reaction versus a safe, resourced place of desiring to help.
Additional trauma reactions often overlooked
Intrusive thoughts or flashbacks: Recurrent, distressing thoughts, memories, or images related to a traumatic event can intrude into a person’s daily life. Not a lot is known about this in children because they are not reliable reporters. But if you find yourself saying that child “isn’t listening,” they might be “listening” inward instead. Perceiving internal signals of warning that take precedence over what you are asking them to do.
This trauma reaction includes behaviors such as being slow to follow directions, requests, answer questions. With adults, their reactions seem out of alignment with the current environment. They may appear to be there but “not there” when they experience flashbacks. As if they have become entranced.
Remember, the brain drives behavior outside of our conscious awareness. Meaning, the person REACTS from the downstairs brain instead of RESPONDING from the integrated brain. Subconscious reactions do not come from thoughtful choice. Thus, people do not choose trauma reactions.
Do not interpret the examples above as purposeful, conscious, and willful behavior; but rather, trauma reactions to signals of threat. With this, you will avoid re-traumatizing someone by your response to their behavior. When trauma-reactions occur, either in yourself or others, consider the following.
Try silently whispering to yourself, “What happened to them/me?”
Avoid thinking, “What is wrong with them?” From this open and receptive mindset, you attune to find the best path toward healing.
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