How do children learn appropriate behaviors? By involving them; not by directing, correcting, or punishing!
We may need to make some updates to our approach to follow 21st Century teaching with the brain in mind. Benjamin Franklin recommended over two centuries ago: we need to start involving children in learning. We do that, in part, by balancing out directions, corrections, and reminders with open-ended questions. Both parents and educators alike!
Consider how you might react to these directions, corrections and reminders if I gave them to you as a teacher or parent:
“You are not listening. I told you how to be a good teacher/parent, and you aren’t doing it!”
“Remember, you need to teach these kids how to behave!”
“These kids are out of control! Teach them how to share! How many times have I told you this? You know better!”
Doesn’t feel good, does it? And what did you learn?
Pause here to tune inward and consider what that brought up for you: thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations. Perhaps your brain was detecting signs of warning such as judgment, condescension, not being seen, considered, heard? That is not the climate for effective learning, or reasoning, to occur.
Yet we give directions, corrections, and reminders to children all day long, because we think this is “teaching.” It isn’t teaching…it’s telling. Worse, it can be shaming and blaming. Despite what some adults believe, children do not do better when they feel bad. With directions, corrections and reminders, the risk is children end up feeling bad about themselves…and you!
We teach with the brain in mind by involving children in learning through open-ended questions instead of directions, corrections, and reminders. With this shift, children’s minds and brains are primed to remain in an open, receptive learning state.
But don’t they learn when we tell them what they did wrong?
Sadly, adults tend to teach and parent based on habit, not science. We’ve ‘always’ told kids what they have done wrong and often punished them for it to help them learn. Yet, there is no evidence to support the belief that children learn when we point out what is missing/wrong with their behavior.
Instead, we can count on them learning that you are upset with them. They also learn that punishment feels bad. Eventually, they start to see themselves as bad.
Dr. Bruce Perry‘s Neurosequential Model in Education outlines key principles of development and brain functioning to support an optimal learning state. According to Perry, we must regulate, relate, and then reason. Both children, and ourselves!
In the examples above, did you feel like I was relating to you? Did you feel regulated (emotionally and physically)? Or, did you feel disconnected and defensive?
Did you feel like reasoning? I didn’t involve you, so probably not; instead, you probably felt like defending yourself or just getting away from me!
When adults direct, correct and remind children, even when using a “sweet” voice, they may be sending signals of warning, not welcome, to the child’s brain.
Such signals disrupt the child’s sense of connection or relationship with the adult. In addition, they potentially trigger emotional and physical dysregulation. Under these conditions, reasoning and/or learning are not likely in the brain.
Children need, not want, adults to relate and (co)-regulate by showing signs of welcome and safety through their words and body language before they can reason. Another way to think of it: co-regulation and connection begets healthy communication. Adults reason better under the same conditions. These are human needs, not just children’s needs.
“What” to do Instead: involving children
Instead of teaching by telling, you might try involving children. Start by asking open-ended questions; that is, questions that do not have a “yes” or “no” answer. Consider these options for replacing directions, corrections, and reminders with open-ended questions:
Direction: “Louise, put your toys away. It’s time to clean up,” versus, “What’s your plan for clean-up, Louise?”
Correction: “You aren’t being safe, Leanne. That’s not how we play that game,” versus, “How can you play with that game safely, Leanne?” or “What is a friendly way to take your turn?”
Reminder: “Remember, you need to wash your hands after sand play.” Versus, “What do you need to do with your hands after sand play?” or “Where do you go after sand play?
The “How” of Involving
Open-ended questions must be asked in the context of a safe environment. Adults need to send signals to children that questions come from a place of curiosity, openness, and acceptance. This approach is not an effort to catch the child doing something wrong. For example, “Why did you hit your sister (said in a harsh tone with crossed arms)” versus, “Whoa, looks like you two may have a problem. I’m here to help. What is happening (said in a concerned tone as the adult kneels to children’s eye level)?”
When children have challenging behavior, adults may feel overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, or hopeless. At such times, the dysregulation of the adult’s brain may impact his or her ability to help the child regulate, relate, and reason.
Adults need to take time to engage in practices that promote their use of verbal and non-verbal behavior to convey signs of soothing, safety, and security when involving children even during challenging times.
To assess the environment for safety and welcome, the child’s brain scans for signs of being seen, soothed, safe, and secure. What Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson call the “4 S’s” of attachment. Adults create this environment, in part, through our interactions: both verbal and non-verbal language.
What we say matters. But how we say things may matter even more. Sensory information sent from non-verbal “language” can activate the brain’s threat detection areas. These areas are in the brainstem and limbic centers. This activation shuts down the engagement of reasoning in the cortex region of the brain. When this happens, involving children in learning is off the table.
Sending Signals of Safety and Welcome: non-verbal communication
We often say children “aren’t listening,” but that is not true. They hear you. But what you have said and/or how you have said it may have activated their brain’s alarm bell.
They are reacting to the threat. As such, adults must consider their use of non-verbal forms of expression such as these:
- The quality of your voice: It should be soft and audible, but not too loud. Use an intonation that shows curiosity instead of disapproval. Pace your questions so they don’t seem like you are drilling the child. Be sure to pause and allow the child time to respond. Pause to reflect the child’s perspective before asking another question or offering a prompt.
- Facial Expressions and Body language: If possible, be at the child’s eye level. Place yourself at a comfortable distance for the child. If standing, make your gestures, facial expressions, and body position signify safety, e.g., no hands on hips, crossed arms, or furrowed brows, etc.
Sending Signals of Safety and Welcome: verbal communication
To involve children in optimal learning, we commit to becoming mindful of our verbal interactions as well. To that end, we replace directions, corrections, and reminders with open-ended questions whenever possible as in the examples above.
Leading with an open-ended question, however, may signal danger or threat to a child’s brain For example, “What happened?” is an open-ended question. Yet, it might lead to the internal narrative in a child, “Ut-oh, I’m in trouble now!” You may consider words and non-verbal language that will regulate the child and help them relate before you attempt to reason with an open-ended question.
Try one of the following approaches to signify you are curious, open, and receptive:
- Summarizing the situation to signal the intention to co-regulate and relate with collaboration, e.g., “Looks like this center is full. Everyone has their names in one of the slots on the visual board. What can you do if you want a turn, Annika?
- Validating the child’s perspective helps to co-regulate and relate, e.g., “Sometimes it is hard to stop playing to clean up, huh? What is something fun you can do once we clean up?” or “Seems like you were hoping to play outside longer, Tyrese. You love outside time! What is your plan for free choice once we come inside?”
- Connecting to the child’s feeling state as a way to co-regulate and relate, e.g., “You look really disappointed, Max. You didn’t get another turn on the bike. I wonder what might help you feel better right now?”
- Remember to focus on appropriate behaviors as well, not because there is a need for regulation. But because it is an opportunity to help children relate and reason, e.g., “Wow, you two are laughing and having fun with your project. I wonder how you decided to build that?”
Involving the Child: Brain Benefits
There is no one-size-fits all to asking open-ended questions. The adult must use personal discernment. They need to attune to the child’s needs in the moment.
As I encourage in my trainings, “See the Child behind the Behavior.” To do this effectively, the adult must be fully regulated. This is crucial in relating to the child’s verbal and non-verbal language needs in the moment.
Asking open-ended questions in place of reminders, directions, and corrections, promotes children’s ability to regulate, relate and reason. Consider these additional brain benefits:
1) Open-ended questions promote attunement. Attunement is foundational for all social and emotional learning and a key function of the pre-frontal cortex. Open-ended questions promote both intrapersonal attunement (the child considering his/her perspective), supporting the skill of insight.
And, interpersonal attunement (the child considering other perspectives), supporting the development of empathy. Such relatedness helps with regulation and reasoning in the brain.
2) Open-ended questions promote development of what Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson call the “upstairs brain.” The region of the cortex that strengthen regulation and reasoning. Open-ended questions activate this part of the brain by involving children in thinking.
The “upstairs brain” prevents challenging behavior and promotes learning. Skills such as focal attention, insight, empathy, morality, emotional and physical regulation, to name a few.
One additional benefit? You will be working smarter, not harder. Promoting the behaviors you hope to teach because you are involving the child in developing the brain!
Directions, corrections, and reminders may have usefulness when used sparingly. If you are sure a child doesn’t know what to do, then you will communicate in this way. In moments of urgency regarding safety, you will also communicate in this way.
The purpose of this article is not to eliminate those practices entirely. Instead, we aim to encourage you to use discernment when choosing how you engage with children. The goal of involving children in learning is to teach and parent with the brain in mind. We focus on teaching based on science, not habits!
Please visit me at Laura Fish Consulting for more tips, trainings, and resources on how to “See the Child Behind the Behavior.” Work smarter, not harder, to promote children’s learning and development.