The “Let them” theory proffers the idea of allowing others to be who they are without imposing our expectations or limitations. At its core, it’s about granting the freedom to allow others, and yourself, be authentic, whether in relationships, work, or personal growth. By stepping back, just letting them, we honor individual autonomy and promote a space where people can evolve on their own terms.
In this post, we dive into the second half of this powerful theory—”Let me.” While “let them” emphasizes giving others the freedom to be, “let me” involves making the u-turn inward. To notice, “with this, what am I thinking, feeling, sensing, perceiving, believing, and how do I want to respond?”
This dual approach creates a balanced dynamic: we honor both the autonomy of others and our own inner truth. The following sections explore what “let me” means for all adults and provide concrete ways to practice this mindset in everyday life.
The Essence of “Let Me”: Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity
“Let me” is a call for self-reflection and allowing ourselves to consider what is best for us. When we say, “let me,” we’re shifting from focusing outside of ourselves to considering our inner world. This requires the person to be fully present with what “is,” to notice the present discomfort, “let them,” and turn inward to acknowledge yourself. Let me.
By embracing “let me,” we model what it means to take our nervous system under our command: to attend and befriend to our system’s experience in that moment. To let go of attending to “them” and to notice me. From this place, using wise discernment to note what you need in this moment.
Ignite Courage: Concrete Ways to Practice “Let Me”
1. Cultivate Self-Awareness
Developing a “let me” mindset begins with practicing making that “u-turn inward.” To self-reflect. Set aside time for self-reflection—journaling, meditation, or even mindful walks can help you connect with your inner self. Consider a situation where you find out your friends went on a weekend trip without you. You practice “Let them,” by telling yourself let them go on a weekend without me.
But now, you notice this really bothers you. You want to let them, but what about you?
To practice “let me” try using the framework S.I.F.T to ask yourself:
- S: What am I sensing in my body in this moment? “My stomach feels like someone punched me, my heart is pounding, and I am sweating.”
- I: What images come to mind, if any, as I am exploring this? “I see myself alone with no friends.”
- F: How do I feel? “I feel rejected, sad, lonely, and scared.”
- T: What do I think about this? “Right now, I think they don’t like me and don’t want to be my friend.”
By making this u-turn inward and S.I.F.T-ing through your mental activity, you build a stronger connection to self. You attend to your experience, but you also want to befriend what you find. To ensure this, be on the look out for your inner critic.
When you engage in self-reflection, you do so mindfully: with loving-kindness, compassion, and non-judgment for yourself and others. Notice in the example above, there is no criticism of myself, just a reporting of what I was sensing, imagining, feeling, and thinking.
2. Ask yourself: what do I need?
From this place, ask yourself what you need to feel safe, satisfied, and connected? Practicing “let them” only occurs when someone has done something that you oppose, makes you uncomfortable, confuses you, or triggers very strong emotions inside you. As such, you have to figure out what you need to bring you back to a place of balance in your nervous system.
Consider the three basic needs to do so:
- The need for Safety: All humans need, not want, to perceive a modicum of safety: both physically and emotionally to effectively navigate situations. Emotional safety means you have your emotions managed. They are dangerous when you perceive they are out of control. Consider what you need to access those signals of safety within. Ex) I need to use the mindfulness practice R.A.I.N to tune into what is happening inside me right now. I want to attend and befriend to my feelings since I can tell they are out of balance right now.
- The need for Satisfaction: Similarly, humans do better when they feel satisfied. Everyone has a different barometer for this, so you have to connect to yourself for this answer. What would help you recover your sense of satisfaction in this moment? Ex) I will experience more satisfaction if I reach out and share with my friends how I felt about them going on a trip without me. To be vulnerable with them, not shame them or blame them. I do better when I directly communicate.
- The need for Connection: This can be connection to yourself and/or others. When there has been a rupturing experience, some people prefer to be quiet and spend time alone connecting to self. Others, heal best in connection with friends. In this situation, what do you need to feel connected? Ex) I will call my Dad because he is my safe place to land. I always feel a surge of connection and warmth when speaking with him. He will reassure me I am not alone.
3. Create a tool kit for when you need to “Let them” and “Let me”:
- Emotional Intelligence tools: What do you do when you have strong emotions? How do you practice identifying, understanding, expressing, and then managing emotions? Most people rush to fix/manage their emotions, but don’t have any tools to help them with the other components of emotional intelligence: identifying, understanding, and expressing. Don’t worry: my tools page has lots of free resources for you to choose from to help you with this step.
- Mindfulness practices: Similarly, you might need some mindfulness tools to help you be fully present with what “is” with loving-kindness, non-judgment, and compassion. On the tools page, check out the incredibly powerful mindfulness practice called R.A.I.N by Tare Brach or maybe start with the Wheel of Awareness by Daniel Siegel. Feel free to look around, however, and try out any and all of the great mindfulness practices there.
- Ways to balance your nervous system: There are countless ways to bring balance to your nervous system. You have to try techniques out and see which ones work best for you. Not everyone benefits in the same way from the tools. I’ll recommend checking out the post on Sound Healing to Relieve Stress, the various Guided Imagery offerings I’ve shared, and finally Relieve Stress by Enhancing Vagal Tone. I’ve highlighted these, but you’ll find many more options on that tools page.
- Breathwork practices: By now you have probably heard something about the importance of breathing. The breath is the portal to the nervous system. It’s free, always at our disposal, and in a matter of moments it can shift us into a state of balance. Since James Nestor published his groundbreaking book “Breath,” much focus remains on nose breathing over mouth breathing. From there, however, explore options for various ways to optimize your breath: breath to activate you, breath to calm you, breath to bring balance to the nervous system. There are literally hundreds of pranayama, breath, practices to choose from.
Cultivating Inner Strength and Resilience
When you adopt the “let me” approach, you empower yourself to grow in ways that enrich all areas of life. Having a tool kit at the ready sets you up for success. Instead of perseverating about what someone else did or didn’t do, you empower yourself to focus on how you want to respond. Gazing in instead of gazing out.
The “Let them” theory is really just stoicism repackaged. Beautifully rebranded, but it is stoicism. It teaches that while we cannot control external events, we can control our responses to them, thereby cultivating physical and mental health. Stoicism.
With this, obstacles are reframed as opportunities to reflect, attune to yourself, grow, and strengthen your sense of resilience. You cannot control the wind, but you can adjust your sails!
Final Thoughts: Stepping into Authenticity
The journey of “let me” is one of self-discovery and authentic connection. It calls for the courage to embrace your inner reality and the willingness to let go of unhealthy behavioral reactions such as avoiding, compartmentalizing, beating yourself up, shaming others, villainizing or self-medicating.
You may have learned that focusing on yourself will make you selfish, unloving, or even narcissistic. Luckily, Dr. Kristin Neff has shown through her research on compassion that nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the more you attend and befriend to your interior landscape, offer yourself soothing words of comfort, balance your nervous system with mindfulness practice, the more you will have the capacity to show up for others.
By combining the principles of “let them” and “let me,” we create a balanced space where both personal freedom and genuine connection can flourish. This dual practice not only enriches our relationships but also empowers us to live more fully and authentically.
Still not sure? “Let me” help! Email me to arrange a session today! I’m here for you.