During a counseling session, a parent overwhelmed with her child’s challenging behavior shared the uncertainty she experiences. She told me, “I try to just stay positive, tell him not to worry, and offer as many distractions as I can think of. That’s all I can do, right?”
Um, no.
Most adults work hard to ensure children feel safe and secure. They do this by protecting them from life’s stressful challenges. This habit makes sense, in part, because children rely on us to meet their needs and to keep them from harm.
However, when we protect children, we often deny them teachable moments.
During the early years of the pandemic, people throughout the world faced illness, job loss, disconnection from loved ones, disruption of daily routines, loss of access to goods, services, and even death. Guidelines for how to navigate this crisis changed daily as new information emerged.
Many adults shared they felt uncertain. They were unsure about how to explain to children what was happening. Or, how to cope with the challenging behavior. There was no one-size-fits all answer.
This leads to uncertainty. Yet figuring out how to respond to challenges in a healthy manner comes up regularly for all humans. It isn’t just in times of a pandemic.
This article is part one of a two-part series. In this installment, we explore the brain reasons for the challenges uncertainty causes. And, the common ways adults react to these challenges with children that might actually be making things worse.
In part two, I will offer you a framework for navigating uncertainty I call “The Four A’s of Navigating Challenges.” To replace your habitual reactions to challenges with children with evidence-based strategies. But first, continue with the foundational knowledge below. You will need this information to avoid slipping back into unhelpful reactivity.
The Mistaken Goal: protecting children
While it is natural to seek protection for children, I explained to my client that denying a child’s experience by avoiding a challenging topic might make matters worse.
When adults dismiss or deny children’s concerns, children don’t receive the attuned guidance they need to prevent challenging behavior. Adults may offer messages there is nothing to worry about, or telling them it’s “all good.” This doesn’t teach them how navigate the challenges effectively.
We adjusted to living with this new virus. People do not seem to be as challenged by it now. However, we still face uncertainty daily. Specifically, teachers, caregivers, and parents get stuck trying to navigate children’s challenging behavior with effective strategies.
Unfortunately, I’ve noticed a pattern for how adults navigate challenges with children, especially when they feel overwhelmed that nothing is “working.”
They tend to react with what I call “The Four D’s”: dismiss, deny, distract, or direct.
Dismiss and Deny
The first two D’s: dismiss or deny. Claiming there is nothing wrong by dismissing or denying challenges may erode children’s trust. They are showing you with their behavior or telling you with words that they are facing a challenge. The way you show up for that child matters.
If you dismiss or deny the child’s challenge, challenging behavior arises. This happens because the child doesn’t feel seen, soothed, safe, or secure.
You did not attend or befriend to the child’s reality. Instead, your dismissal or denial conveyed to them that you didn’t “see” them. How does that feel when someone does that to you?
Going deeper with dismissing and denying
For example, a three-year old named Deon in your classroom was hoping to get a blue sippy cup at lunch, but only yellow remain. He starts to use a whining tone, “Teacher, I need the blue cup. I really do!” To which the teacher replies, “We only have red. It’s not a big deal. You are fine.”
The teacher denied there was a challenge at all. And, they dismissed Deon’s unmet need to get the cup for satisfaction.
You might be thinking, “Yes, because not getting the blue sippy cup is NOT a challenge.”
That’s where adults err. Because this IS a challenge to the child. When you dismiss or deny a challenge, you risk him feeling like you are denying his reality.
The child noticed that you said one thing, “You are fine,” yet the child doesn’t feel fine.
An example with more intense challenging behavior. The child throws his cup on the ground and apple juice spills all over the floor the teacher has just cleaned.
In a loud voice filled with exasperation, the teacher says, “Deon, there is no need for this behavior. The red cups are perfectly fine to drink out of.”
The teacher dismisses the challenge and spends no time being curious about Deon’s perspective. Meaning, she denied his perspective.
You might be thinking, “Yes, because throwing a cup on the floor is unacceptable behavior.” I agree.
Yet, you didn’t teach Deon what to do instead! You just shamed him for challenging behavior. In this way, you are working harder, not smarter.
When a child displays challenging behavior, it’s hard to see the child behind the behavior. To be soft and curious about their struggle. I get it. Yet, it’s our job. We have the fully developed brains, not the child. We need to show the child how to navigate this sippy cup challenge.
When children are giving you a hard time, their behavior is sending you the message they are having a hard time.
Read that again. Let it sink in.
Again, the child hears the adult say, “it’s fine,” but you are not acting like “it’s fine” and Deon isn’t “feeling fine.”
Deon needs, not wants, you to help him figure out how to handle this challenge. Not just tell him you don’t have the cup. Your job is to co-regulate Deon’s emotions so the two of you can work through this problem together. And, of course, there can be discussion of what to do instead of throwing a cup.
The connection to uncertainty
What does not getting the blue sippy cup have to do with uncertainty you might ask?
In this example, Deon may feel:
a) uncertain of why he can’t have a blue cup
b) uncertain when he might get one again
c) uncertain of how to regulate his strong emotions
d) uncertain if the teacher understands why he is so upset.
In summary, his challenging behavior communicates to you his lack of certainty about how to manage his thoughts, feelings, and body sensations.
But he does not need you to just TELL him the answers to those uncertainties. Instead, children need you to SHOW them how to tolerate uncertainty and move through a challenge skillfully.
The issue can be that the adults might not know how to tolerate uncertainty themselves. Anxiety is always about the inability to navigate uncertainty on some level.
It may not be obvious how uncertainty contributes to challenging behavior; but, it’s the adult’s job to figure that out.
The child might not have the capacity to explain to you, i.e., “Teacher, my cortisol levels are through the roof right now because my moms are fighting, my grandpa is in the hospital, and my adrenaline just soared when you said we didn’t have the blue sippy cup today.”
Instead, their challenging behavior tells us what they cannot. Unfortunately, it often leaves us baffled because what the child perceives might be different from the adult. Importantly, the adult needs to consider the child’ perspective to figure out what the challenge means to the child.
Seeing the situation through Deon’s eyes, not the adults, reveals where the uncertainty lurks for Deon.
He had a strong desire for the blue sippy cup and there were none. And, when he couldn’t get what he wanted, his basic needs suffered. He perceives a disruption of his safety, satisfaction, and connection needs.
You don’t seem to understand his problem.
From an adult perspective that may seem like nothing to get upset about; but, from a child’s perspective? High stakes social politics.
His needs matter. In this case, his need to feel satisfied with his cup choice. His need to feel emotionally safe, not sad and angry. And his need to feel connected, for his teacher responded to his concerns with compassion not correction.
Children need guidance
This dissonance between what children see, think, and feel and what adults say and do may dismiss or deny children’s reality. How can children trust you when you tell them there is nothing to be upset about? They feel upset, and they notice something is wrong.
Challenging behavior results from a lack of direct guidance. How to make sense of the thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and body sensations when challenges arise.
They need that guidance because children lack the brain circuitry to do manage emotions and problem solve effectively on their own. This part of the brain isn’t fully developed until the early thirties it is currently believed.
In addition, they need, not want, adult’s help coping with their interior landscapes when challenges arise.
If the adults are dismissing and denying the challenge, no useful guidance can happen.
Feelings of safety, satisfaction, and connection arise when adults help children tell the story of their interior landscape/experience. Not seek to protect them through false assurances or rushing them to “fine.”
Distracting from the challenge
The third “D”: distract. Protecting children by distracting them away from a challenge robs them of an opportunity to learn coping strategies. After all, we are supposed to teach children. Not clear their paths of all obstacles.
When you attempt to distract the child’s attention away from a challenge, you fail to provide children the co-regulation they need, not want, to learn how to cope with the challenge effectively.
In the example with Deon above, the teacher might try to distract him by saying, “Look, Deon! We have chicken tenders and corn and milk for lunch. One of your favorite meals!” She doesn’t address the cup issue at all. Deon doesn’t receive any direct teaching on how to address this challenge.
Working smarter, not harder
More simply put, adults use the distraction/redirection tool far too much. Probably because it is easy for the adult to implement and occasionally the child will forget the challenge, so it seems to work.
But consider this: you haven’t directly taught the child how to handle anything when you redirect.
You just diverted their attention. What about next time there is a challenge? You might be working against yourself here.
Once children move out of infant/toddler stages, it’s important to minimize distraction. Adults shift to teaching the child how to identify and understand their thoughts, feelings, and body sensations. From there, we teach them how to express and manage them.
Not ignore their perceptions through distraction.
This becomes important to note as we observe that anxiety has outpaced depression as the number one mental health diagnosis in the United States.
Perhaps we might learn from this frightening statistic. Humans need assistance to learn how to effectively and skillfully move through challenges. Anxiety disorders develop in part from a lack of skill. Meaning, the child wasn’t taught how to manage stress.
Let’s start teaching children how to navigating challenges. Not avoid them or fix them for the children.
“The Four D’s” are not effective or skillful. They do not teach. At their best, “The Four D’s” are band aids; at their worst, they delay the child’s healthy development.
Dismissing, denying, and distracting doesn’t teach the child anything. Except maybe that the adults in their life don’t seem to understand them.
The adults mean well: trying to stop the whining and help the child feel better. In the end, however, dismissing, denying, and distraction tend to serve the adult’s need–stop the challenging behavior. Not the child need to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure.
Directing toward a solution: rushing to fix
The fourth “D”: direct. Rushing to fix the problem by directing the child’s attention to a solution. Directing is probably the most frequent behavior I see when adults face challenging behavior. They rush the child to happy or rush to find a solution.
In the example here directing might sound like, “Today you have to use the blue cup, but tomorrow you will have the red.” Or, “Let’s see a smile on that face! Tomorrow you will get the blue cup!”
I sometimes call this, “rushing children to happy” or “rushing to fix” the problem. A preponderance of people identifies as “fixers”. These people seem to be highly uncomfortable with challenges, conflict or anyone feeling distressed (including themselves).
As such, they jump past acknowledging the challenge and attuning to the child’s perspective right to offering a solution.
How can you find an effective solution to a problem if you haven’t considered the child’s perspective? You likely don’t even understand the problem fully. You can’t offer an effective solution until you attune. Understanding their thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and beliefs about the situation is essential.
Consider my quote the next time you are rushing to fix the problem: “Children are not objects in need of fixing; but rather, humans in need of understanding.“
If you don’t pause to consider their interior landscape, you cannot offer an effective solution. Feelings of safety and security grow as children learn to identify, understand, and express what they think, feel, and perceive. They sense and believe with an organizing presence to guide them.
Navigating challenges can be tricky. Parents share the overwhelm and feelings of worthlessness that arise when children’s challenging behavior doesn’t resolve. I am passionate about providing adults who have or work with children alternative ways to engage.
My approach is Parenting and Teaching based on science, not habit. Now that you have learned the “Four D’s” do not help children in the long run, let me share what to do instead.
Make sure to continue on to part two of this series. Learn how to engage in healthy ways when challenges arise with “The 4 A’s of Navigating Challenges.”