In part one of this series, “Stop making these parenting mistakes with children today” we explored “The Four D’s” and how they do not help children move through challenges skillfully.
If protecting children from reality and rushing them to happy with “The Four D’s” is not the answer, then what is?
Teach me what to do instead: involving the child
Involve them.
Clearly, adults need to language the reality of uncertain or challenging times with careful consideration.
Children’s underdeveloped brains cannot process all that is happening.
They need adults to guide them through their experience in developmentally appropriate ways.
But the fact that the human brain doesn’t develop until the early thirties means they need, not want, your attuned engagement to help them navigate challenges.
The “Four A’s of Navigating Challenges”: acknowledge, attune, adopt, and ask
1. Acknowledge the challenge: acknowledge before offering a solution.
This is exceedingly difficult for most adults. Especially those who are “fixers.”
They either deny there is a problem or skip over acknowledging the thoughts and feelings associated with the problem to dive into a solution.
If adults rush to offer solutions, the child misses the chance to learn the skills of problem solving, conflict resolution, and emotional literacy. We need to acknowledge “what is” for the child so we can help them learn how to move through it.
Such an approach seems foreign to many adults.
Why pause to acknowledge the challenge when I have a fix/solution at the ready?
Because your job is to teach children how to handle these issues; not rely on adults to figure everything out. You want to guide them, not govern them.
When adults collaborate with children experiencing challenges, children are positioned to develop the resilience to navigate life’s difficulties.
Making acknowledging your own
Perhaps ask yourself: how can I “fix” what I haven’t acknowledged in the first place? You might not have all the information relevant to an effective solution without first connecting to the child’s perspective.
Work smarter, not harder.
We are a meaning making species. Since we will not know how to navigate every challenge that arises, be sure to involve children in finding the meaning with you.
Transform crisis into opportunity by teaching children how to skillfully navigate through challenges instead of shielding them.
2. Attune to the child’s perspective: as part of acknowledging the challenge, ask for and attune to the child’s verbal and non-verbal expressions of concern. This includes children’s thoughts, feelings, images, physical sensations, and behaviors.
Here’s the key, though: you need to attune with openness and curiosity. Your intention is to gain knowledge to help the child, not to shame, blame, punish, judge, or “fix” the child.
That is very hard for adults to do alongside challenging behaviors. When attuning to the child’s perspective, adults tend to use that information gathered to dismantle the perspective shared, to change the child’s perspective.
The concern with that? If you move too quickly, the child doesn’t feel seen, soothed, safe, or secure.
Remember: if the child is giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time.
If you signify that you need them to let go of their perspective and take on yours, you may exacerbate the behavior. The child may appear to “double-down” to try to be understood.
Or the behavior comes to an abrupt halt because the child sacrifices their authenticity to maintain their attachment to you. They let go of pursuing their needs to be who you need them to be, to make you happy.
While adults may label this as a victory, it establishes a dangerous habit.
Children who learn to sacrifice their needs to maintain connection with adults may develop unhealthy coping behaviors as adults such as codependency, folding or fawning.
Click here to read more about preventing challenges by teaching and parenting with the brain in mind.
In the example with the sippy cup above, the teacher might have attuned to the child by:
a) Acknowledge the challenge: “Oh, Deon, you are having a problem with the sippy cups! Tell me what is happening for you, buddy.”
b) Summarize his perspective with, “You love the blue sippy cup, and we are out of them. Am I getting it?
c)Empathize with him by offering, “You look sad. I see your big tears and your body is slumped in the chair.”
d) Validate his perspective even if you don’t agree with, “It’s hard not to get your favorite cup at lunch, huh?”
When you want to attune, try these four active listening skills with others: Acknowledging, summarizing, empathizing, and validating.
Attuning to the child in this way may help the child feel seen, soothed, safe, and secure. Can you see how?
There are many ways to attune, so don’t get stuck on this one example. The key is to be curious about the child’s interior landscape: what is the CHILD thinking, feeling, sensing, perceiving, and believing in this moment?
Not you. Them. Your perspective matters, too, of course. I recommend you intrapersonally attune to yourself in the same way.
Yet, if you want to effectively navigate challenging behavior, you best become an expert on gathering the child’s perspective, not just yours.
Attuning to the child may also include asking open-ended questions, “How are you feeling?” or “What are you thinking right now?” But young children might not have the intrapersonal attunement and/or the verbal acuity to describe their interior landscape….yet.
They need you to teach them this skill.
To start, you may have to engage them through interpersonal attunement, describing observed or imagined thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, verbal, and non-verbal behavior aloud as in the example above.
If you are wrong, the child can correct you i.e., “I am not frustrated, I am mad!”
Don’t worry about not naming the thoughts or feelings correctly. In this case, you prioritize demonstrating your desire to see and soothe them. While also helping them feel safe and secure. Not rushing to fix them.
That’s more important than getting the exact verbiage correct.
In this way, an attuned approach to challenges helps the child “feel felt.” Acknowledging a challenge and offering an attuned response to the child’s experience, supports the child’s need for safety, satisfaction, and connection.
When you relate to the child’s perspective in this way, you help them regulate.
3. Adopt a regulatory stance: acknowledging the challenge and attuning to the child’s perspective begins the process of co-regulation. The first two components of this framework work together to promote this third component, the ability to adopt a stance of regulation: both self-regulation for the adult and co-regulation for the child.
Children need, not want, the adult brain to help them regulate.
The teacher adopted a co-regulation stance with Deon by acknowledging his challenge of not getting the cup he wanted. She further attuned to his perspective including his feelings and body sensations.
Resonating with a child helps them to eventually return to balance. You show Deon his strong emotional reaction matters to you. Instead of trying to rush him out of it, you demonstrate concern and compassion. You see him so he can begin to feel soothed, safe, and secure.
Adults involve children in calming down instead of telling them to calm down by acknowledging, attuning, and adopting co-regulation strategies. In particular, active listening strategies may serve to balance the child’s nervous system,
When you acknowledge, summarize, empathize and validate the child’s perspective the child’s nervous system becomes regulated.
You may also offer physical comfort (a hug, gentle touch, facial expressions of concern, etc.) based on the child’s needs, not the adults’ need.
Please note: acknowledging and attuning does not mean you agree with the child’s perspective. It means you care about the child’s experience. You strive to be a signal of welcome not warning.
With this, you understand the child’s nervous system needs guidance to return to balance.
If you strive to practice equity, inclusion, and social justice in your home or classroom, “The Four D’s” does not deliver any of those things.
With “The Four A’s,” you involve children in telling the story of their experience from their point of view. This is the path to fully including all children.
4. Ask for collaboration to formulate a plan of resilience: after acknowledging, attuning, and adopting, you involve children by asking for their input. With this, the adult is showing interest in including children’s ideas for adjusting, coping, and even thriving.
As such, the adult may be seen as a collaborator, support person, signal of welcome. Not just someone who will tell them how to fix the problem. Someone who denies their reality.
The teacher eventually noticed Deon’s nervous system seemed in balance (he seemed calm after you acknowledged and attuned), so she might ask:
“What thoughts do you have on preventing this challenge in the future, Deon?”
“You know, sometimes we do run out of the blue cups. How might I help you if we run out again?”
This part of the framework might happen at another time away from the initial challenge. For instance, later in the day at outside play time, the teacher might be digging in the sand with Deon and say, “Hey, I was thinking back on the challenge you had with the sippy cup.
Any ideas for how I might help you in the future if that happens again?” or “Deon, you have a big brain. Help me figure out what we can do next time to prevent the sippy cup situation from being challenging for you. Any ideas?”
Navigating the Uncertainty of Challenging Behavior with Children
My client shared her skepticism about this framework. She said at first it didn’t feel “natural.”
I validated her perspective and affirmed that it wasn’t meant to feel natural. Instead, the framework teaches adults to use a different approach.
Helping adults teach and parent based on science, not habit. I reassured her it would become natural over time.
After three weeks of trying out “The Four A’s” framework, she reported it seemed more effective than her former approach of just staying positive (dismissing, denying, and distracting from the challenge) and rushing to fix (directing).
In fact, she reported, each one of the components of the framework proved useful in her daily interactions with her child, not just for discussing challenges. Specifically, the active listening skills involved in attuned engagement seemed to strengthen her connection to her child.
Indeed!
The 2-Minute Action Plan: getting started
Where do I start? Perhaps these prompts will help you:
Start by noticing how often you dismiss, deny, distract or direct (yourself, your friends, your family, your children) when challenges arise. You want to have a baseline understanding of how you habitually react to challenges first.
Ask yourself what am I afraid might happen if I acknowledge the challenge with my child? What do I envision happening if I don’t have answers to questions that arise? What feeling inside of me am I trying to avoid?
Was I taught to identify, understand, express, and then manage my feelings or was I told to manage my feelings without guidance on how to skillfully do so? What strategies do I use for myself as an adult when I am feeling emotionally imbalanced? Are they healthy? Would I want my children to use these same coping strategies?
What do I think children need when they are faced with challenges or uncertainty? How did this article change and/or strengthen my views? Am I open to updating any of my current beliefs?
Imagine how conversations might be different for you and your child if you use “The 4 A’s of Navigating Uncertainty” framework…you might consider what could be challenging about engaging this way, but make sure you also explore how it might be beneficial for you and your child as well.
The Ongoing Action Plan
Over the next week try this:
Plan ahead: Write out the four steps of navigating uncertainty and take time to really understand each step. Imagine how you would carry out “The Four A’s” with your child. It is different for every person. Make it your own, while staying true to the guidelines. Consider creating a visual reminder of the framework for yourself to display somewhere as a reminder and reference.
Reflect: What do I need to help me feel resourced enough to guide my child through “The Four A’s”? What are the things that help me feel confident and competent as a parent? Do those things and/or notice when you feel this way.
Click on the links within the article above to help you begin using this approach with your child. See if you can find a trusted adult to reflect with to help you plan how to roll this out with your child.
Keep in Mind: The brain is a prediction machine. It tries to make sense of what is happening with as little information as possible, comparing what “is” with what it already knows.
When things in the world are not making sense for the child, you can provide the attunement, co-regulation, and collaboration they need to feel a sense of safety and security amidst the uncertainty.
To learn more about other ways to teach and parent with the brain in mind, visit my You Tube Channel or follow me on Instagram. You will also find more on my Resources page.