A client recently shared that she believed she was broken beyond repair. “I’ve had so many traumas in my life, Laura, you cannot possibly help me. I’m damaged goods.” I could see she was hurting indeed. Traumatized? I wasn’t sure yet.
But what is trauma, really?
Trauma is a wound
The internet is replete with podcasts, articles, videos, and posts about Trauma. However, much of it is misinformation about this topic. In this article, I will offer you an evidence-based view of trauma. The truth, not opinions.
Dr. Gabor Mate speaks about trauma as a wound. Not just any wound. A wound that hasn’t healed.
It’s not what is wrong with you; but rather, what happened to you. Specifically what happened inside of you as a result of what happened outside of you.
Therapists like myself help people make the “u-turn” inward to attend and befriend to the wound. With compassion, loving-kindness, and non-judgment. Not criticism, shame or self-blame.
Trauma is not an event. It’s the experience of the event. The experience may become a trauma if you don’t have an attuned other to help you work through it. You need an organizing presence to help you process the experience of the event.
Understanding trauma
Let me give you a specific example. A car accident is not a trauma. It’s an event.
It can become a trauma if you don’t have anyone to help you tell the story of what happened to you. To discuss your experience in a meaningful way. This may include forgiving yourself if it was your fault. Or, tools for how to process the abject fear you still recall from the event. And, sharing additional feelings regarding what happened to you. What is still happening to you even after the event is over.
Noticing and naming the story of your experience in the presence of an attuned other.
Without processing, an event may indeed become a trauma. But it doesn’t have to. Intense, scary, harrowing experiences feel traumatic, indeed. Yet, they don’t necessarily become trauma if you tune in to what you think, feel, and sense in your body. And, find a skilled other to help you integrate what you find.
So not everything painful and stressful is traumatic. Read that again, please.
But everything traumatic is painful and stressful. As such, you can have pain and stress without developing trauma.
What is happening inside?
For instance, your friends go on a trip without inviting you and you tell your partner, “I was traumatized.” You felt disappointed, angry, even rejected. The story you tell yourself might be, “They left me out. They didn’t consider me. There must be something wrong with me.”
It’s painful, yes, but not a trauma.
Unless you cannot find at least one person to help you process this experience of being left behind. If you are alone in your pain and stress. In that case, this event of being left out may become a traumatic experience. Or, if you never had anyone support you through the pain of former rejections.
In particular, the rejection many carry from attachment wounds in childhood. Meaning, if you didn’t feel seen, soothed, safe (physically and emotionally), and secure in childhood. In this case, being left behind by friends as an adult may become trauma.
In this case, the event in the here and now of not being invited activates former rejection experiences from the there and then. Linked together, you max experience trauma. Early attachment wounds underlie many later in life traumas.
When I shared this view of trauma with my client, she exhaled. Relieved. “You mean, there is hope for me?” Yes, indeed. Not only hope, but health. I can help you move from surviving to thriving.
What wound is still open for you? Email me today for a path to healing. You don’t have to suffer.
Check back here to access future articles on this important topic. Start with this in-depth explanation of trauma reactions. From there, access my tools page with free resources to help you attend and befriend to what is happening inside of you. If you prefer videos, great. Check out my YouTube channel for more trauma related content.