I had a man in session with his wife last week questioning whether therapy would actually help their relationship. Fair question.
This couple had been working with me for four sessions spread out over eight weeks and the tension and distance remained. The husband had done some research and the outcome for couples in therapy “wasn’t good,” he told me, “no offense.”
None taken.
Therapists aren’t miracle workers and counseling isn’t magic. Sometimes people come to therapy and their relationships will still end. But the research about the efficacy of counseling may not make clear two important variables that impact the potential outcome: the timing of the entry into therapy and the effort made in between sessions to affect change.
Couples often come to therapy when they are seriously considering ending the relationship. They may feel they have tried everything, that change seems nearly impossible, and that the other person needs fixing. Unfortunately, this constellation of beliefs and feelings is not the best foundation for cultivating change. It’s still possible, but each person must be willing to put in the effort to gain clarity amidst the conflict, heal the wounds, and replace old habits with new, healthier, ways of relating.
So how do you know when it is time to seek out help for your relationship? If you are influenced by the stigma that only “crazy” people go to therapy or only couples on the brink of demise need help, you may want to consider updating these views before “The Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse,” show up in your relationship.
Relationship researcher and therapist Dr. John Gottman uses this phrase signifying the end of days to describe four communication patterns highly correlated with relationships at risk of collapse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Watch Dr. Gottman discussing these patterns on Anderson Cooper’s talk show to see if they seem familiar to you.
First, Criticism and Contempt:
As a result of repeated experiences with Criticism and Contempt one or both partners may succumb to Defensiveness or Stonewalling:
While “The Four Horsemen” are not the only communication missteps that trip couples up, they are common enough to be identified as clear risk factors for the end of days for couples. I like to refer to this in therapy because it highlights for people that it is not just the content of conversations that lead to trouble in a relationship, but also the process of communicating. In short, it’s both what you say and how you say it.
The earlier you begin to cast the spotlight of your attention onto the communication patterns in your relationship, the more likely you are to stop an unhealthy process that leads to hurt, distance, and eventually dissolution of the relationship.
I told the couple sitting with me last week that I can not predict if their marriage will last, that I do not have a quick and easy formula to give them to magically transform their relationship; but with time and effort they can rebuild their connection with attuned communication, patience and practice.
If you can identify any of the four unhealthy communication styles discussed above as part of your relationship, consider seeking help. Don’t wait until you can hear the hooves of the horses galloping through every conversation you are having trampling upon and destroying the love that was once there.
Please email me with questions about how you and your partner can achieve healing for lasting change: laura@laurafishtherapy.com.
Very articulate and helpful.