Author: Laura Fish

Laura Fish is a marriage and family therapist in private practice as well as a consultant in the field of education, providing training and coaching for educators in support of social and emotional development. Laura began her work in early education over twenty years ago as a preschool teacher and went on to serve as a mental health consultant for public, private pay and Head Start infant, toddler and preschool early education programs. Her work in private practice is in support of individuals, couples, and families manifesting healing for lasting change with mindfulness-based practices. To find out more about Laura’s work as a therapist or consultant, please visit her website at www.laurafishtherapy.com.

Conscious Communication

Photographer: Brooke Shaden

Emotional well-being flows from the ability to clearly communicate what you need. This is not an inborn gift, but a skill to be learned.

Where to start?

By tuning inward: learning to become conscious, or aware, of your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, beliefs, and bodily sensations. What is here, now? Then expressing what you find and what you need. To speak courageously, from the heart.

Such introspection, however, may activate a sense of vulnerability. When people feel vulnerable, they commonly compensate by becoming demanding and threatening, believing that forcefulness will increase the likelihood of getting what they need, or they retreat into a state of shut down and cut-off. Neither approach effectively gets one’s needs met. A demand implies that the recipient is of lesser value than the giver and, therefore, that the giver has the right to dictate to others. Even if you give in to my demands, you will likely do so with resistance and resentment. If you rescue me from my state of retreat, I am likely to resent you or be disgusted with myself for my perceived victimization.

Of course, the origin of such behavioral reactions comes from outside our conscious awareness: the nervous system is scanning, and detecting, a danger or threat to our well-being in such moments. When our needs for emotional and physical safety, satisfaction and connection are not being met, our nervous system does it’s best to protect us; unfortunately, we develop unhealthy habits of fighting, fleeing, or freezing (shutting down/cutting off) instead of socially engaging to get those needs met.

Conscious communication starts with activating and strengthening our social engagement system’s capacity to collaborate and connect with ourselves and others in healthy ways to get our needs met. It invites an openness and receptivity to see what “is” without judgment, shame or blame, welcoming all involved to identify, understand and express what “is” on the way to seeking resolution and repair. This principle applies to all relationships, including those with your business partners, co-workers, friends, children, and parents.

Practicing Conscious Communication

In this article, I’ve slightly modified Marshall Rosenberg’s four-step process, plus added two steps that will help you start on the path to becoming a master of conscious communication.

1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset. Consider what happened, being as objective as possible. Just describe the facts as if you were an outside observer. For example, saying, “My husband is never on time,” is less useful than saying, “My husband agreed to meet at the movie theater at 7 p.m. and didn’t show up until 7:30.”

2. Take responsibility for your feelings. When describing your feelings, choose words that express the sensations you’re experiencing, such as “I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or jealous.” Avoid words that shame or blame the other: “You make me feel.” When you take responsibility for your emotions, you invite the other person to connect versus defend.

3. Identify what you need that you are not receiving. As infants, many of us had caregivers trying to figure out what we needed because we could not identify our needs and communicate them ourselves. Others had caregivers who did not try to meet our needs or were unsafe physically and/or emotionally. As adults, we may subconsciously expect loved ones to know what we need and spontaneously provide it, or we may subconsciously believe the other person can never meet our needs. You are much more likely to get your needs met if you can identify them and communicate them consciously and clearly: “It would help me if I know of changes that will impact what time you meet me,” or “To feel secure/safe/connected, it helps me to be certain of the time of your arrival.”

4. Ask for what you want. What specific behaviors or actions would fulfill your needs? For example, if you want more engagement from your partner, do not just ask him or her to spend more time with you; ask for something specific: to take a walk after dinner, or go to a movie on Saturday night. Express your need in the form of a request rather than a demand: “I’d love to spend more time together. Would you like to take a walk after dinner or go to a movie?” Or in regard to a pattern that isn’t working, “How can we create a system that works for both of us regarding tracking time?” Everyone has an inherent impulse to resist demands, whereas our sense of emotional safety, satisfaction and connection likely increases when we’re asked to be part of fulfilling a request or resolving an issue.

5. Consider the four gates of speech before you speak: Is this True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary? Is Now the Right Time to Say it? Part of being conscious in your communication is pausing to be present with what you are thinking, sensing, and feeling before you share with your partner. Never dismissing or denying your experience; but rather, looking inward to consider if what you want to speak to the other person is the truth versus some fear, mistaken belief, or narrative from childhood. Communicating the truth with kindness doesn’t mean you never say anything difficult; instead, it means considering whether this truth may benefit the other person as well as yourself. Considering if it is necessary to say it will help with the kindness aspect: must this truth be spoken now? The necessity is inextricably linked to the importance you place on the topic coupled with your belief that communication around the topic will benefit the relationship in the end. Finally, consider the timing: while what you have to say may be true, kind and necessary, is now the time to say it? This doesn’t mean avoiding important discussions, it means being aware, or conscious, of your partner’s ability to engage openly and receptively at that moment.  These four gates of speech may take practice to implement with fidelity. For most people, they go against our habitual way of speaking.

6. Add in what I call the 5th gate of speech: In my experience, conscious communication may break down when the speaker isn’t ready to hear the listener’s response. He or she has the desire to be heard, which is absolutely imperative, but equally important is the willingness to hear your partner’s response. Before initiating communication, consider asking yourself: “Am I ready to hear the response to what I have to say?” Being ready to listen and be changed by what you hear are two healthy components to communicating. If you only focus on your perspective, on what you think, feel, sense and believe, then you are not consciously communicating, you are telling.

Although using this process doesn’t guarantee that you’ll always get your needs met, it will substantially increase the likelihood that you’ll spend more time feeling comfortable and at ease with communication, and less time in emotional distress. Conscious Communication is best practiced alongside the tenets of the Couples Dialogue that I teach to clients from Imago Therapy. For more on that framework, email me at laura@laurafishtherapy.com.

This article was adapted in 2018 by Laura Fish, LMFT. The skills of conscious communication and emotional awareness are vital components of the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle Certification Program.

The Negativity Trap: part 2

In Part 1 of “The Negativity Trap,” you learned the brain’s reasons for focusing on the negative as well as some mind methods for balancing out that bias. I shared Rick Hanson’s beautiful metaphor of cultivating the garden of the brain using the mind to witness the garden, pull the weeds, or plant flowers as an approach to creating such balance.

Now let’s take a closer look at the three ways to cultivate the garden of your brain using your mind:

1) Witness the garden: being with what is there means tuning in to whatever is present: the good, the bad and even what may seem neutral. As you survey your garden of experiences, allow your attention to land on both the flowers and the weeds while remaining open and receptive to seeing what is there without trying to change it at first.  Next, shift your gaze inward toward intrapersonal attunement: what am I thinking, feeling, sensing, remembering, or perceiving in relationship to what I am noticing in my surroundings?

Tara Brach calls this practice taking a “U-turn” back toward self. Shifting your awareness from what is happening “out there” toward your internal state of mind and body. This aspect of mindfulness helps you develop a relationship between what is happening externally with that internally, a practice which activates the process of integration for your mind, brain and even your relationships.

Ultimately, an integrated brain supports your ability to respond versus react, creating a space between stimulus and response for a more balanced way of being in the world. With the negativity bias, the brain is primed to react when left unsupervised by the mind.

Consider the following example of a preschool teacher I coached through avoiding the negativity trap by using her mind to cultivate the garden of her brain. After observing her classroom that morning, we met as she described, in an understandably very agitated manner, the behavior of a four-year-old she deemed “out of control”: the child had been turning over tables, cursing, hitting children and staff, running out of the room and failing to follow the classroom’s rules in general. As her coach, I spent a good amount of time actively listening to her narrative, asking her questions to help her tell the story of this child, and validating her perspective. Everything the teacher told me about what was happening with the child, was negative. Since I was there, I could verify it all really happened.

After helping her tell the story of this child’s behavior, I asked her to practice intrapersonal attunement regarding this narrative. I guided her to make the “U-turn” to go inward: exploring her thoughts about the situation, her feelings, the sensations she may have in her body as she recalled the child’s behaviors, what images/memories she might recall related to what she was experiencing and any beliefs that might be arising.  In this way, I gently encouraged her to shift her focus from “out there” i.e., on the child, to “in here,” i.e., her state of mind and body. I wanted her to witness and experience her relationship to this child’s behavior: what did his behavior ignite inside her? When I meet with teachers to reflect and plan about children with challenging behavior, we start with observation. Such observation, however, includes exploration of the adult’s mental activity and body awareness, not just the behavior of the child.

What came to light from this reflective process was how her values, perceptions and beliefs about challenging behavior in general, and this child specifically, were linked to experiences and memories from her upbringing as well as her training as a teacher. While she felt she had to scan her classroom for dangerous or negative behavior, she realized that mostly seeing the “weeds” activated her fight, flight or freeze response. She was anxious almost all day around this child. The teacher felt her colleagues, supervisor and the families would see her as incompetent if she couldn’t control this child, and she believed she didn’t have the skill to handle the behaviors this child displayed.

Her beliefs about challenging behavior as well as her reactive stress response to such behavior led to her current feelings of anxiousness, helplessness, overwhelm, worthlessness and even anger which manifested in sensations of pain in her back and tightness in her shoulders. She had been on “autopilot” for so long, that she had never stopped to notice the details of her experience, she just knew she felt “crummy” at the end of every day. I validated her perspective and her emotions, encouraging her to offer loving kindness and compassion toward herself instead of judging herself for being triggered.

This teacher had never stopped to consider the connection between what was happening “out there” in the classroom with what was “in here” (mental activity) because she was always in a rush to fix it, to stop the behavior.  This is true for most teachers given the demands of their daily work and lack of time they are given to engage in reflection. By pausing to “be with what is here,” the teacher acknowledged some of the feelings that kept her trapped in the negative and experienced a slight shift of relief by naming them with an attuned other present. From there, we could move forward with other aspects of cultivating the garden of her brain to help her balance out the negativity bias.

2) Pull the weeds: letting go of what isn’t serving you, the “bad,” starts by noticing both the external and the internal challenges with the intention of retrieving, reflecting and then releasing…not getting stuck there.  Instead of being highjacked by the negative, or feeling like you are “in the weeds,” you tune into what is there with presence and purpose giving it the loving kindness, compassion and non-judgement that creates the balance you need to allow you to release the negative— to pull the weeds at the root, hopefully! Pulling the weeds with intention not from a state of reactivity.

As the teacher above continued her narrative of the child with the challenging behavior, I helped her identify what she might change in herself first before she asked for changes in the child. What outdated software, or beliefs, might she be running about challenging behavior in general and specifically about the expectations for this child that she could let go of, or update, to help her feel more balanced, less overwhelmed? Like a computer, our minds need updates in order to for our brains to run efficiently!

In this case, the teacher was overly linked to the child: she was reacting to the scary behavior versus responding to it due to the thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories this behavior triggered in her. Because she did not differentiate herself from the behavior or the child, she was in the weeds, highjacked by the pressure she felt to “fix” it. Understandable, yes, but efficient or satisfying, no!

The teacher spent time acknowledging her feelings of worthlessness, overwhelm, helplessness and anger that arose as she told the story and realized that these feelings directly tied to an internal narrative  she developed over the course of her life: to be successful and competent she couldn’t fail, she had to always fix the problem, her feelings didn’t matter, and as a teacher she had to manage the classroom by controlling the children or others would judge her and she would be a failure. All these beliefs contributed to her current feeling state and ultimately, she was angry about it all.

Clearly, there were a lot of “weeds” to be pulled from the internal narratives that were draining her battery. How could anyone expect to live up to these standards? And yet, many of you likely have a similar set of values, perceptions and beliefs about yourself and the world. We began to talk about how she could update her software about challenging behavior and her role as the teacher to begin the process of letting go of what wasn’t serving her.

3) Grow the flowers: the teacher’s negativity bias had her seeing only “weeds” when she surveyed the garden of her classroom, but with mindfulness she was able to tune into her mental activity and realize the connection between the child’s behaviors and her brain’s reactivity regarding those behaviors. Clearly, the child’s behavior was dangerous both physically and emotionally for himself, other children, and the staff; and yet, my goal was to help the teacher learn how to cultivate a responsive, reflective state of mind to help this child versus being caught in the trap of negativity and reactivity.

Once we helped her identify, understand, and express her emotions as well as update some of her beliefs, I asked her to consider the child’s strengths: what were some positive things she could say about him and/or her relationship with him? The process of tuning in, reflecting, and mindfully exploring what was “there” with non -judgement, loving-kindness and compassion for herself allowed her to move to this step of extending those same feelings toward the child and recalling several strengths. Next, she extended the same consideration for herself and her co-workers: what strengths did they bring to bear in this situation? At that point, she was in a more integrated state of mind and brain, able to explore the functional assessment process to create a behavior support plan for the child and her.

The human brain is wired to scan for what is missing or what is wrong to keep you safe…thank goodness! And yet, this circuitry may work overtime when left without the supervision of the mind, activating the reactive circuitry in your brain that leaves you feeling drained, regretful, stuck or burned out. Harnessing the mind’s power to direct your attention, consider starting a practice of noticing the positive. Allow yourself to linger there. Absorb the positive. Don’t rush past it. By activating this practice of taking in the good, you begin to create a balanced brain with circuitry that moves toward openness and receptivity; in short, to respond versus react from an integrated brain. With repeated activation, you will install this trait of responsiveness which primes you to grow a garden filled with flowers and to pull the weeds when needed with the presence and purposefulness versus habit and harriedness.

If you would like to receive training or coaching on this topic, or just to learn more about the mind, brain and behaviors, please visit me at consulting.laurafishtherapy.com.

Seeing the Child Behind the Behavior

When children have challenging behavior, it is easy to get stuck trying to “stop” the behavior. Unfortunately, they often ends up with a lot of pain and suffering for either the adult, the child, or both.

When we begin to understand how basic needs and function of behavior drive the brain to react or respond, our approach toward children with challenging behavior becomes more inclusive, attuned and effective!

With some brain basics, you can be on your way to a more safe, satisfying and connected relationship with the child or children in your life.

Find out more with Laura in Pre-K Teach and Play’s Podcast 27: Seeing the Child Behind the Behavior

To start working smarter, not harder, with children make sure you read more about the brain reasons for behavior in this article from Laura: Seeing the Child Behind the Behavior.

5 Steps to Nurture Emotional Intelligence in Children

 

  1. Acknowledge the child’s perspective and empathize.

Even if you can’t “do anything” about the child’s challenge, empathize. Just being understood helps most people begin to let go of troubling emotions. If a child’s emotional reaction to something seems out of proportion to the situation, remember it’s crucial to consider what has happened from the child’s perspective, not yours.  When you validate a child’s perspective you have the potential to interrupt the fight, fight, freeze or faint response happening in the brain, starting the child down the path of calming down, or regulating.

Showing empathy doesn’t necessarily mean you agree; instead, you are letting the child know you understand how he views what has happened and, more importantly, how he feels. By validating the child’s thoughts and feelings, you convey the message that the child is entitled to his perspective and to have an emotional response to what occurred. We all know how good it feels to have our position acknowledged; somehow it can make it easier when we don’t get our way.

  • “You’re frustrated that you have to stop playing to come to circle. It’s hard to stop playing sometimes!”
  • “You wish you could have all the toys to yourself, don’t you? Sharing at school can be hard!”
  • “You’re mad your tower fell! You worked so hard on it.”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • Feeling understood triggers the release of soothing chemicals in the brain and body that help strengthen neural pathways. These same pathways will be activated as the child attempts to soothe himself in the future, potentially making calming down an easier, more efficient process.
  • Children develop empathy in part by experiencing it from others. When adults reflect children’s perspectives, they begin to develop insight into their feelings. This may help them to consider and understand how other children and adults feel, or empathy, in the future.
  • Helping the child reflect on her experience and what triggers her feelings strengthens the child’s ability to identify and understand her feelings. For little ones, just knowing there’s a name for feelings is an early tool in learning to manage the emotions that flood them.
  1. Allow expression

Children struggle to differentiate between their emotions and their “selves.” In fact, many adults have trouble with this differentiation as well, getting caught up in waves of strong emotion that lead to a strong reaction versus a balanced response! Accepting children’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, gives children the message that they are physically and emotionally safe and connected despite the intense thoughts, sensations and behaviors that accompany many strong emotions.

Disapproving of strong emotions, such as fear or anger, won’t stop children from having those feelings, but it may well force a child to repress them to avoid feeling bad about himself. Unfortunately, repressed feelings don’t fade away. Because they aren’t under conscious control when you avoid them, they emerge “out of nowhere,” it seems, when a child socks her friend, spits on you, or repeatedly destroys property, etc.

Instead of dismissing or denying children’s emotions, convey to the child that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, including exploration of feelings as a part of problem solving and planning for appropriate behavior.

  • “You’re so mad your friend broke that toy! You wanted to play with it. Let me help you resolve your problem…let’s talk to him about what happened and how you are both feeling right now.”
  • “You seem worried about the field trip today. I used to get nervous on field trips too, in kindergarten. Want to tell me about it?”
  • “You’re so frustrated! Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning…I wonder if you just need to cry? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. Would you like me to sit with you here?”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • Your acceptance helps children identify, understand and express their emotions. Validation helps children feel safe and soothed, which helps them resolve their feelings more effectively.
  • As children begin to develop insight into their interior landscape–thoughts, bodily sensations, and feelings–their ability to practice empathy with others grows.
  • Your acceptance teaches the child that her emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable. She learns that she is not alone. She learns that even the less pleasant parts of herself are acceptable, which means that she is wholly ok, just the way she is.
  1. Listen to the child’s feelings.

Remember, strong emotions do not dissipate readily without the proper attention and soothing. Whether the child is six months or sixteen, he needs you to listen to the feelings he’s expressing, which may mean attempting to see the feeling behind the behavior! Two-year olds are not going to walk up to you and say, “I’m so mad that I don’t get to be first in line to go outside.” Instead, the child likely will cry, scream and/or push the line leader to signify how he is feeling through his behavior. It’s up to you to attune to that child’s perspective, be curious, and strive to uncover the feelings associated with the behavior.

Once you offer options to the child, “Looks like you really wanted to be first in line, huh, Jacob? And you pushed him because you were mad he was there instead. Is that right?” With this attuned engagement, you help the child feel and express his feelings, which predicts he’ll be able to manage them better, with further help from you, of course. To feel safe identifying, understand and expressing feelings, children need to know you’re fully present and listening without fear of repercussions. Assured that it’s safe both physically and emotionally, children have an amazing ability to release their feelings and shift gears. Your job? Breathe through it, stay present, and resist the urge to rush through those troublesome feelings when you can.

  • “You look so sad and mad you just want to scream and yell and cry. Everybody feels that way sometimes. I’m right here…it’s okay to feel all those big feelings. You can show me how mad and sad you are. Let me help show you a way.”
  • “You are so mad you’re yelling at me to go away. I’ll move back a little, but I’m staying nearby because I want you to be safe. You can be as sad and mad as you want. I’m here to help when you want my help.”
  • “You’re trying so hard to eat with your fork and it keeps falling off. How does that feel…seems frustrating!”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • Emotions emerge quickly sometimes, move through us, swamp us, and then pass away. When we fend them off or repress them, emotions may get stuck inside us rather than finding healthy expression. But children’s brains are wired to prevent this, so they naturally avoid repressing feelings, expressing themselves with their behavior until we teach them how to pause, notice, and express their feelings before they act. Of course, the part of the brain that allows them to think before acting, the prefrontal cortex, isn’t fully developed it’s believed until the mid-twenties…so we teach them this skill, but they won’t be able to fully apply it consistently until much later in life!
  • When we help our children feel safe enough to identify, understand and express their emotions, we not only support brain development; we help them develop a sense of self that includes understanding the role their emotions play in their behavior. In the future, this knowledge of the connection among thoughts, feelings, and behavior will serve them well.
  1. Teach problem solving

Emotions are messages to be considered, not mud for wallowing. When a challenge happens, teach children to notice the sensations in their bodies, the thoughts that arise, and the associated emotions they feel. Next, help them breathe as they think, feel, and sense their body, tolerating the experience without rushing to “do” anything about it. Once they aren’t in the grip of strong emotions, sensations or negative thoughts, give children guidance on how to shift gears: offer choices, ask their ideas for next steps, or walk them through the steps to problem-solving which include having all children or adults involved say what happened, how they feel, and possible solutions. This process helps shift children from a reactive state of mind to a responsive state of mind, allowing for rational thinking and planning to occur, with the help of attuned adults (of course!).

Once kids feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. This typically leaves an opening for problem solving. Sometimes, kids can do this themselves. Sometimes, they need your help to brainstorm. But resist the urge to rush in and handle the problem for them unless they ask you to; that gives him the message that you don’t have confidence in his ability to handle it himself.

  • “You look so disappointed that the dramatic play area is full…you are hanging your head and you have tears in your eyes. You were really looking forward to playing with the tea set we just got, weren’t you? What might you need right now to help you solve this problem?”
  • “Seems like you’re pretty frustrated with Sam not giving you a turn. Sometimes it’s hard to play together, huh? I wonder what you could say to help you two start to work it out?”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • Kids need to express their feelings as a healthy part of finding constructive solutions to problems. That takes practice and modeling on our part. Adults, cross-culturally, tend to leave out identification and expression of emotions during problem solving; or, if they do it, they only point out the feelings of the child that was “wronged” or “hurt” robbing the other child/children involved in the conflict of a chance to tune in to their emotions.
  • Pausing to allow all children involved in a conflict to identify, understand and express their emotions will help them get into their “thinking brains” quicker, shift from reactive to responsive mode, maximizing the chance of resolving the conflict in a way that feels acceptable to all.

5. Play it out

When you notice a negative pattern developing, recognize that your child has some big feelings she doesn’t know how to handle, and step in with the best medicine: play! Validating the emotions in a playful way is one way to engage the responsive mode of the child’s brain.

For instance:

  • Two-year old Jemiah wants the red cup at lunch. You see there is only one that is clean, and Elena has it. As he starts to cry, you validate his feelings, “I know, Jemiah, you love using red cups.” You ask him to show you the sign for drinking and rub his heart to act out how he loves them. Next you try juggling the other three cups you have, or you start having them dance on the table as you sing, inviting him to play a game with the cups you have for him to choose from.
  • This isn’t simply distracting him; instead, it’s validating his emotions then engaging the playful parts of his brain to help him shift gears to accept another choice of cups; again, shifting from reactive to responsive mode in the brain.

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • All children (and adults!) experience big feelings throughout the day. Children often feel powerless and pushed around, angry, sad, frightened, or jealous. These feelings can deplete their basic needs for emotional safety, satisfaction, and connection. Emotionally healthy kids benefit from processing these feelings through play, which is how little ones of all species learn. Helping your child “play” out his big inner conflicts helps to initiate resolution, so he can move on to the next age-appropriate developmental challenge.
  • Your child may not be able to put his deeper emotional conflicts into words; that’s tough even for most adults. But he can play them out symbolically and even resolve them sometimes through simply getting your validation of the emotion then your guidance for shifting gears.

Most adults did not grow up with a model for how to identify, understand, express and manage their emotions; instead, the message was to just MANAGE feelings, “Stop crying,” or “Don’t be angry!” Today, science shows us the importance of teaching children how to identify, understand and express their feelings, known as emotional literacy, so they can learn healthy ways to regulate those feelings. Together, emotional literacy and emotion regulation leads to emotional intelligence.

Adapted from http://www.ahaparenting.com by Laura Fish MS, LMFT. 

For more about the brain, emotional intelligence, and child development, please visit my website at http://www.laurafishtherapy.com/#Resources for articles, podcasts, and links to additional websites.

Bridging Communication Challenges

Conscious Communication

Emotional well-being flows from the ability to clearly communicate what you need. This isn’t an inborn gift, but a learnable skill.

Where to start? With oneself: learning to become conscious, or aware, of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations, then connecting those to a need and expressing that need.

Such introspection, however, may activate a sense of vulnerability. When people feel vulnerable, they commonly compensate by becoming demanding and threatening, believing that forcefulness will increase the likelihood of getting what they want. This approach often has the opposite effect. A demand implies that the recipient is of lesser value than the giver and, therefore, that the giver has the right to dictate to others. Even if you give in to my demands, you will likely do so with resistance and resentment. Sooner or later, you will no longer be willing to acquiesce and will stop meeting my needs.

In contrast, conscious communication invites an openness and receptivity to see what “is” without judgment, shame or blame, inviting both people to collaborate to understand and repair the issue. This principle applies to all relationships, including those with your business partners, co-workers, friends, children, and parents.

Practicing Conscious Communication

I’ve slightly modified Marshall Rosenberg’s four-step process, plus added two steps that will help you start on the path to becoming a master of conscious communication.

  1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset.Consider what happened, being as objective as possible. Just describe the facts as if you were an outside observer. For example, saying, “My husband is never on time,” is less useful than saying, “My husband agreed to meet at the movie theater at 7 p.m. and didn’t show up until 7:30.”
  2. Take responsibility for your feelings.When describing your feelings, choose words that express the sensations you’re experiencing, such as “I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or jealous.” Avoid words that reinforce a sense of victimization: “I feel neglected, betrayed, or rejected.” If you feel those feelings, fine, just reflect further to see what others might be there. When you take responsibility for your emotions, you are informing rather than blaming the people in your life.
  3. Identify what you need that you are not receiving.As infants, many of us had caregivers trying to figure out what we needed because we could not identify our needs and communicate them ourselves. Others had caregivers who did not try to meet our needs or were unsafe physically and/or emotionally. As adults, we may subconsciously expect loved ones to know what we need and spontaneously provide it, or we may subconsciously believe the other person can never meet our needs. You are much more likely to get your needs met if you can identify them and communicate them clearly: “It would help me if I know of changes that will impact what time you meet me,” or “To feel secure/safe/connected, it helps me to be certain of the time of your arrival.”
  4. Ask for what you want.What specific behaviors or actions would fulfill your needs? For example, if you want more engagement from your partner, do not just ask him or her to spend more time with you; ask to take a walk after dinner, or go to a movie on Saturday night. Express your need in the form of a request rather than a demand: “How can we create a system that works for both of us regarding tracking time?” Everyone has an inherent impulse to resist demands, whereas our sense of satisfaction and connection goes up when we’re able to fulfill requests.
  5. Consider the four gates of speech before you speak: Is this True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary? Is Now the Right Time to Say it? Part of being conscious in your communication is pausing to be present with what you are thinking, sensing, and feeling before you share with your partner. Never dismissing or denying your experience; but rather, looking inward to consider if what you want to speak to the other person is the truth versus some fear, mistaken belief, or narrative from childhood. Communicating the truth with kindness doesn’t mean you never say anything difficult; instead, it means considering whether this truth may benefit the other person as well as yourself. Considering if it is necessary to say it will help with the kindness aspect: must this truth be spoken now? The necessity is inextricably linked to the importance you place on the topic coupled with your belief that communication around the topic will benefit the relationship in the end. Finally, consider the timing: while what you have to say may be true, kind and necessary, is now the time to say it? This doesn’t mean avoiding important discussions, it means being aware, or conscious, of your partner’s ability to engage openly and receptively at that moment.
  6. Add in what I call the 5th gate of speech: In my experience, conscious communication may break down when the speaker isn’t ready to hear the listener’s response. He or she has the desire to be heard, which is absolutely imperative, but equally important is the willingness to hear one’s partner’s response. Before initiating communication, consider asking yourself: “Am I ready to hear the response?” Being ready to listen and be changed by what you hear are two healthy components to communicating. If we only focus on our perspective, on what we think, feel, sense and believe, then we are not consciously communicating, we are telling.

Although using this process doesn’t guarantee that you’ll always get your needs met, it will substantially increase the likelihood that you’ll spend more time feeling comfortable and at ease with communication, and less time in emotional distress.

This article was adapted in 2018 by Laura Fish, LMFT. The skills of conscious communication and emotional awareness are vital components of the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle Certification Program.

 

 

The Negativity Trap: part 1

It’s true that many people seem to have “…Velcro for the “bad” and Teflon for the “good.” This phrase from Rick Hanson describes the brain phenomenon of the negativity bias, the circuitry that primes humans to notice and cling to the negative more than the positive. The brain, mind and body work in concert to scan for what is bad, what you should move away from; or good, what you should go toward.

While this system for keeping you safe physically and emotionally does indeed serve humanity, too many times its over activation results in being stuck mostly scanning for the negative so you miss or undervalue the positive in your life. If the brain could talk to you, it might say, “The positives won’t cause you harm, so why linger there? You better get back to looking for danger.”

Research shows that most people tend to notice, and hold on to, the negatives longer than the positives they experience. For instance, if your supervisor gives you three examples of things you are doing well and one example of something you need to change, your tendency may be to hold on to, think about, and possibly even be upset about that one thing that needs to change. You focus on the “negative,” not the compliments! Does that sound familiar?

So, are you doomed to “be” negative?

The good news is no, you are not. You can change the circuitry of the brain and the habit of the mind that keeps you focused on the bad while minimizing the good.  The potentially bad news is new habits take effort, but learning a few mindfulness practices makes this effort less challenging.

A note of caution here: please do not think that you need to put all your energy into noticing only the positive to compensate for the brain’s bias. The approach to balancing our brains tendency for the negativity bias is not to race past the negative and just focus on the positive. A mental shift from taking in too much of the negative to avoiding the negativity at all cost is like trading seats on the titanic: you may have made a change, but you are still on a sinking ship.

The goal instead is to experience the good and the bad with an open, receptive state of mind supported by non-judgement, loving kindness, and compassion for self and others. This is mindfulness.

How do we do that? We use our minds to change our brains to change our minds for the better. Don’t worry, it’s not quite as complicated as it sounds.

To start, Rick Hanson encourages you to think of yourself as a gardener. There are three ways to cultivate the garden of your brain using mindfulness practices:

  • You can witness your garden, surveying it in its entirety, just noticing what is there (both positive and negative).
  • You can pull weeds (release the negative).
  • You can plant flowers (install the positive).

Notice that Hanson’s garden metaphor gives us choices for using the mind to create a balance in the brain. The goal is not necessarily to immediately release (get rid of) the negative, nor is to only install (enrich) the positive. Mindfulness helps you cultivate the ability to notice all that occurs as it arises, both the weeds and the flowers, and to tune in to whether it serves you to release the negative, install more of the positive, or just be with what is. With mindfulness, you strengthen the reflective circuitry in your brain creating an open, receptive state of mind that includes a stance of non-judgement, loving kindness, and compassion for self and others. Instead of being trapped in negativity, you will strengthen your brain’s ability to pause and consider:

  • What do you notice?
  • What might you want to release?
  • What might you want to install?

Please read Part 2 of this series for more about how to cultivate the garden of the brain using the mind, including examples from my work helping teachers trapped in the negativity bias.

Mindfulness in the Classroom

Mindfulness strategies are a part of any quality early childhood education program; they just are not traditionally labeled as such. For example, teachers are employing mindfulness strategies when they describe children’s actions aloud, ask open-ended questions, and acknowledge children’s efforts to engage in their community in positive ways.

When implemented with fidelity, common quality teaching practices such as these encourage mindfulness as a habit of mind that develops and strengthens the brain’s social, emotional, and cognitive skills.

Mindfulness strategies support brain development in several ways:

  1. Promotes integration – differentiation and linkage: development of all parts of the brain as well as building the connections among areas within the brain. When our brains are differentiated, and linked, they are believed to be integrated, a state which supports physical and mental well-being.
  2. Supports executive function skills: the ability to plan, initiate, organize and carry out tasks while regulating emotions, resolving conflicts and shifting gears when necessary. Focal attention is the key driver to learning and is integral to developing these “school readiness” skills.
  3. Allows for intrapersonal attunement: tuning into one’s own interior landscape, including thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Noticing “what’s inside.”
  4. Allows for interpersonal attunement: being able to tune into the mental and physical state of another. Noticing “what’s there.”
  5. Supports the development of the prefrontal cortex: most notably, attuned communication, fear modulation, physical regulation, emotional regulation, response flexibility, insight, empathy, intuition, morality.

But What Is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness may be understood as having two components: the quality of focal attention, and the state of mind of openness and receptivity to what is there. Perhaps more specifically, a way I like to define mindfulness is paying attention on purpose with non-judgment, compassion, and loving-kindness.

Focal attention is a key component of mindfulness as it promotes learning or affecting change of any kind. When focal attention is engaged, the brain generates the growth of new cells, or neurons, and the connections between those neurons are strengthened. Focal attention is believed to be foundational for the development of the five brain benefits listed above.

Openness and receptivity are also key components of mindfulness. When the mind is in an open, receptive state, the brain is more integrated, thus promoting health, well-being and the spaciousness that cultivates the strengthening of the mind and brain.

Both components of mindfulness are unpacked here, beginning with focal attention strategies, which can be incorporated across daily activities and common preschool routines.

With the help of focal attention, each of these strategies has the potential to lead to one or more of the five brain benefits listed previously. And while the quality of attention is an important component of mindfulness, so too is the state of mind with which you attend.

The practice of engaging focal attention is coupled with the intention to notice with an open, receptive state of mind that includes non-judgment, compassion, and loving-kindness. And again, such practices are easily woven into the fabric of a quality early childhood program.

Open, Receptive State of Mind StrategyExampleBrain Benefit
Positive, descriptive acknowledgment (PDA) and PDA Plus: using specific and descriptive language to describe the positive behavior children display and at times, connecting it to a feeling state, outcome, or character trait.Teacher: Andre and Denae, you are sharing the crayons!

Or

Teacher: Andre and Denae, you are sharing the crayons, you look happy to be sharing!

Or

Teacher: Andre and Denae, you are sharing the crayons, now you can both color!

Or

Teacher: Andre and Denae, you are sharing the crayons, you are being friendly with each other.

With PDA and PDA Plus (instead of praise), children receive a description of the positive action they are doing and possibly its impact or outcome. This acknowledgment begins to strengthen the children’s internal narrative to include their strengths. A narrative that includes strengths, may help children remain open and receptive when they face challenges instead of dropping into judgment and criticism.

When teachers flood the environment with PDA and PDA Plus, children are more likely to return to an open, receptive state of mind throughout the day.

Emotional Literacy: identifying, understanding, and expressing emotions.

 

Choose from a variety of strategies such as reading books about feelings, referencing feeling charts, asking children how they feel, scaffolding their feelings, and modeling feelings.

Teacher: Salina, you are jumping as you laugh with your friend! How do you feel?

Or

Teacher: Looks like you might be angry right now. I see your hands are clenched and your breathing is heavy.

Or

Teacher: Looks like you might be having a strong emotion, do you want to….draw me your feelings so I know what you are feeling; switch your emotion on the feelings chart; have the puppets talk about your feelings with you; tell me what your body feels like right now; do a body scan with me so we can see what your body is telling you about your feelings?

Using the emotional literacy strategy sends the message that all emotions are acceptable. This helps the mind send signals to the brain that it is safe and the process of regulating a strong emotion may begin.

The brain strives to make sense of information, so regardless of the strength of the emotion the strategy of emotional literacy helps the brain call upon the left hemisphere to help name what the right hemisphere is experiencing. The two parts of the brain work together to integrate the emotion, what’s often referred to as, “Name it to tame it”, where emotional literacy and emotional regulation are working together.

Emotional Regulation: using the mind to bring the brain into a more balanced state.

As with emotional literacy, a variety of emotional regulation strategies may be offered for children based on individual need, feeling state, and children’s abilities or developmental levels. For example, opportunities to: smell a flower/blow out the candle, squeeze a stress ball, do a few wall push-ups, walk like a bear or other animal, receive deep or light pressure on various body parts, name it to tame it, count breaths, allow glitter to settle, draw, listen to music, hug a stuffed animal or a teacher.

Regardless of strategy, a key component of emotional regulation is the teacher’s validation of the child’s feeling state both through verbal and nonverbal actions.

Teacher: So, you are feeling really angry because the block area is full right now. That makes sense. I can see why you feel angry about that.

Or

Teacher: You are feeling angry about the block area being full. It’s so hard to wait. It seems like anger is making your body feel uncomfortable right now.  I wonder what might help anger relax its grip on you a little?

Or

Teacher: You are feeling angry because the block area is full? Ahhh…and your stomach feels heavy? So sorry. I have the relaxation kit right here. What strategy might help your tummy soften a bit?

Emotional regulation for children includes co-regulation with an attuned other. Meaning, engaging in regulation with an unhurried, calm, receptive, and aware adult.

Co-regulating with an attuned other allows children’s brains to shift from an emotionally reactive “downstairs brain” to an open, receptive “upstairs brain”, and to shift the brain to a state of integration. choose.

Conflict resolution: solving problems and resolving conflicts in a systematic way that includes all children being involved in a non-punitive discussion and resolution process.When possible, each child involved in the conflict contributes his or her perspective at each step with the assistance of the teacher.

· Step one: What happened? How does EACH child feel?

·  Step two: What can we do? (discuss potential solutions, possibly look through visuals of solutions)

·  Step three: Pick one and give it a try!

·  Step four: Teacher follows up children.

Resolving conflicts using a step-by-step framework helps children remain open and receptive to working with others to resolve challenges, rather than seeking out retribution.

When children describe their view of what happened, connect that to how they feel, and then seek a solution, they are using the mind to access all parts of the brain to collaborate with others.

Inherent in this process is non-judgment, compassion for self and others, and loving-kindness.

Now that you understand both components of mindfulness, focal attention and an open, receptive state of mind, can you see how they may be (and likely are) incorporated across daily activities and common preschool routines?

A few last reminders:

  • It’s important to note that the foundation of practicing mindfulness strategies is the teacher’s commitment to attuned communication and relationships with children. Click here to learn more about attuned communication. Attuned communication maximizes the potential for healthy brain and mind development by creating environments where children feel safe, satisfied, and seen (i.e., connected).
  • All of the mindfulness strategies offered here must be adapted to meet the needs, abilities, and/or developmental levels of the children. The key is for teachers to use discernment to develop a culturally and developmentally appropriate approach for all children to cultivate the components of mindfulness at their own pace.

Hear more about this important topic with Laura on Pre-K Teach and Play’s podcast: Mindfulness in the Classroom

For additional strategies to promote mindfulness in your classroom, please check out part two of this series, “Moving Beyond Traditional Mindfulness Practices in the Early Childhood Classroom.”

Self-reflection: a framework for meaningful change

Carl Jung stated, “If there is anything we wish to change in the child, see if there isn’t something we can change in ourselves first.” This is the essence of the need for self-reflection: to help children learn, teachers study the way they introduce, implement, and individualize teaching strategies to positively impact the social, emotional, and cognitive development of children.

Self-reflection moves teachers from admiring the problem toward finding solutions. This includes being curious about the context: why might this be happening, what factors are contributing, how might I change something in my thinking or practice to support the children’s development?

Whether it’s deciding to shift your circle time to community time, adding in mindfulness practices, or embedding STEM practices across the day, change in the children starts with reflecting on how we might change our teaching practices.

Beginning this journey, however, can feel like an overwhelming task. You might wonder, “Where do I start?”, “What steps might I need to take to affect change?” or “How do I know if I am having an impact?” Getting clear on how to engage in self-reflection helps.

Here are a few tips for improving your self-reflection skills:

Make time for daily self-reflection…our ability to change because of the amazing plasticity of the brain can only occur with practice

Aim to write or otherwise document your reflections….thinking is good, but the act of documenting is even better

Be curious not critical…explore your thoughts, feelings, and actions from a place of non-judgment, compassion and loving-kindness

Remain open to another perspective, reason, idea or practice…be humble

Ask yourself questions that lead to more than descriptions or an analysis of current facts…the ultimate goal of self-reflection is to gain new insight and identify steps for the future

To help you begin, consider thinking of self-reflection as a process having four parts, or steps: inquiry, observation, planning, and implementation. Each step builds upon the previous one, and together they provide a framework to help you stay focused on your goals for affecting change. This framework for self-reflection may be followed during individual self-reflection opportunities and/or when reflecting with peers, supervisors, or coaches.

Choose a topic or an area of focus. For example, do you want to examine a particular activity such as circle time, a set of teaching strategies such as those designed to foster conflict resolution skills, or perhaps ways to smooth out transitions?

Write down a question that will guide your reflection related to your area of focus. For example, “What might I do to strengthen my role in teaching children to resolve conflicts?” or “What skills do children need to resolve conflicts on their own, and what framework for conflict resolution might I use?”

Take a moment to pause and consider, “What are my values/perceptions/beliefs in regard to this topic?” You might even ask yourself, “Are my values aligned with ‘best practice,’ current practice, and required policies?” If there isn’t alignment, consider how this is impacting your health, well-being, and decision-making. Look for where you might find a connection between what you believe and what might be considered developmentally appropriate practice.

Before moving to the next step, aim to add one more self-reflection question. Try something similar to this, “How might I individualize my teaching practice(s) on this topic to meet the needs of all children in my class?” Asking this final question allows you to consider differences among children and ensure all are fully included in your planning.

One of the best ways to engage in observation is to see yourself in action. Be brave and videotape a part of your practice. Think of it this way…when you are in the movie, you can’t see the movie. This means that self-reflection will be limited because you can’t truly “see” yourself unless you videotape yourself in action. Even if you have someone come in to observe, that person cannot accurately capture everything a video can, either.

The duration of the observation will depend upon the specific teaching practice chosen for reflection, but as a guide, consider chunks of time from 3-5 minutes. If videotape is used, collect several segments or clips, then choose the clips that are most closely related to the selected topic. For instance, if your goal is to strengthen reciprocal feedback loops with children as they engage in play, videotape the entire free choice time, but take short clips that are 3-5 minutes in length, which serve as examples of your efforts to engage in those feedback loops. These clips should include examples of both strengths and missed opportunities to bolster the depth of your reflection and planning process. If you did not videotape, then the “observation” is finding a time when you are not with the children to think back and take notes on your teaching practices or the observation is the notes someone else took about your practice during this time frame.

The observation should include examples, either video clips or written notes, of specific teaching practices observed: the teacher’s strengths and how those strengths were directly tied to child outcomes. Ask yourself, “What did I/my co-teachers do?”, “What was the impact on the child?”, or “What skill might that child be developing as a result?”. If peers, supervisors, or coaches are observing, they will be asking themselves these questions about teacher strengths and taking notes of the answers as they conduct their classroom observation. It’s not enough to reflect, “Free choice went well. The kids were good.” Describe specifically what worked and why, or have a video clip.

While observing for strengths, make note of possibilities for new practices as well. Questions to consider may include, “What might I do next time in this situation?”, “How might I carry out that practice I learned about last week?” “What skills might be learned by the children if I were to __________?”

It’s easy to get caught up in watching the children, or thinking only about the children’s behavior, so do your best to connect what is observed related to teacher practice.

The planning step begins by reflecting upon the strengths identified during the observation.  Aim to discuss 3-5 strengths observed by each person included in the planning process (coach, peer, teacher). It’s important for the teacher to identify his or her strengths as well. Here’s an example:

 During clean up time, teacher Zania was butterflying from area to area encouraging children by giving positive, descriptive acknowledgments to the children such as, “Dylan and Grace, you are picking up all the blocks!” or “Alexis, you are almost done putting away the paint supplies, you are being so helpful!” (teaching practice). As a result, the children cleaned up and transitioned to circle time in less than five minutes (observed desired behavior). With this, the children are developing the skills of following through with tasks, being responsible for their work, and working together as a group (potential skills developed).

Building upon the strengths identified, plan for ways to implement next steps or additional teaching practices that may help answer the question or questions identified in the first step, inquiry. Remember, reflection is about enhancing your teaching practice to help support development of the children, so keep your focus on what you and other adults might do in addition to the strong teaching practices already observed.

Come up with a specific plan to carry out these next steps so that it’s clear what teaching practices will be used and what skills you are targeting to develop in the children. Here’s an example:

We would like to start offering children jobs as “community monitors” during clean-up, encouraging the monitors to acknowledge peers they see cleaning up/working together (specific plan to carry practice out). The goal is to teach children how to observe for respectful, safe and friendly behavior to build connection among peers/community as well as strengthen the internal narrative of children engaging in appropriate behaviors (potential skills developed). Teachers will model this behavior for the community monitors and even whisper ideas to them if they miss a chance to acknowledge a child’s efforts to clean up. We also want to follow up with community monitors at appropriate times to inquire about their experience giving acknowledgement with open-ended questions. We will ask questions such as “How did it feel doing your job today? What did you like about it? How do you think the other kids felt when you acknowledged them, etc.?” (teaching practices).

As you plan for next steps, make sure to pause and ask yourself why or how that particular teaching practice will support the skills you hope to develop in the children. Understanding the “why,” or the conceptual underpinnings, of your next steps will help you move from first-order change (temporary) to second-order change (lasting change). For example, putting up a visual schedule is first-order change; but, understanding why a visual schedule may help children transition throughout the day, why it may help decrease anxiety in children, or why it may increase the child’s ability to complete an undesired task, are examples of teaching for second-order change. When you can articulate the specific ways that a practice leads to a desired outcome, you are more likely to implement that practice appropriately and sustain the use of the practice. To help with this step, try asking and answering questions such as, “How does ________ promote social and emotional development and prevent challenging behavior?” or “How does ______support developmentally appropriate learning of this concept?”

Now it’s time to try out your plan! It’s important that you set the intention to engage in continual self-reflection to implement the strategies with fidelity (as they were intended to be used). Notice what you are doing that is working, and what might need to be reconsidered. Teachers often get discouraged when a plan doesn’t “work,” but remind yourself to not discount a strategy as ineffective too soon.

To help with this, continue the self-reflection process during implementation. Continue to inquire about your teaching efforts, observe what’s happening in the classroom, revisit the plan and revise the plan.

It helps to share what you are doing with a like-minded friend, colleague, or mentor to stay motivated. Try finding someone you work with or trust in your personal life to share your experience of making changes in your teaching practices. Research also shows that keeping your focus small, as suggested above, and tuning in to notice even slight positive changes that occur as a result, can help you stay with something new. Try scanning the room throughout the day for what is going well, not just what is out of order, to notice how your effort to engage in this self-reflection framework to change your teaching practice is positively impacting the children.

Finally, remember to engage in this framework with self-compassion and non-judgment attending to your strengths, acknowledging your best intentions, and offering loving-kindness to yourself at every step! We do “better” when we feel better!

For more information about this framework for self-reflection, please email Laura Fish at laura@laurafishtherapy.com or visit consulting.laurafishtherapy.com for training and coaching information.

Teaching with the Brain in Mind

What do circle time, science, mindfulness, and self-reflection have in common?

Find out in Pre-K Teach and Play’s Podcast 21: Teaching with the Brain in Mind with Laura Fish

Six main concepts are explored in this episode:

  1. How to get teachers/colleagues to buy in to a change in practice (“mindset before method”)
  2. Why focal attention, novelty, repetition, and emotional arousal are the necessary ingredients for optimal learning
  3. How to teach from a brain perspective so we strengthen the part of the brain the child will need to use “next”
  4. Why interpersonal neurobiology helps us to make the connection among brain, mind, and relationships
  5. How to use mindfulness in Preschool contexts
  6. Why school readiness does not mean replicating Kindergarten in Preschool so children are “ready” for school

For the free download about tips for self-reflection, please subscribe to my blog below to the right. Request your download, and I’ll be happy to send it to you!

Transforming Relationships

I draw from many sources to find help for couples struggling to stay together, to consider the perspective illustrated by the Chinese character for Crisis: a time of danger and opportunity.  Inspired by the work of Tara Brach, I’ve recently started asking them this question when they feel like all may be lost: “Might you consider what is happening right now as the Darkness of the Womb versus the Darkness of the Tomb?” 

In other words, are you willing to use this moment in time to transform suffering into an opportunity to birth new life into your relationship?

How do people open to new ways of thinking, feeling, interpreting and acting? This is complex, but it starts by harnessing the power of attention to create choice and change. You cannot control your partner’s actions, but you do have the power to choose what you do with that information.  Do you want to hold on to it, rehearse it, find more evidence to support it, or do you want to notice what happened, feel your feelings, express them, and find the opportunity for the two of you to grow in response to the stressor?

Where attention goes, neural firing flows, and integration grows. This quote by Daniel Siegel captures the essence of how the mind may be used to change the brain to promote health and well-being in oneself and in  relationships. What we pay attention to gets stronger; if the object of that attention is solely how awful your partner is, that is what will remain. While it is natural to attend to thoughts and feelings that arise from stress within your relationship, it is also possible to expand your focus to include the wider perspective of what is working in the here and now as well as what might help to bring about change.

I help couples start the process of birthing new life into their relationships by having each member do some attention training:

1) Don’t believe thoughts that breed separation, hatred, anger, and resentment: while your thoughts may be real, are they true? Maybe the thoughts have valuable information for you, but do they get carried away into areas that represent more of your fears, or your exaggerations, or your doubts e.g., “She’ll never change. She is just like this,” or “He is always disregarding me. He doesn’t care about me anymore.” Beliefs are powerful. But are they true? I help clients engage in focused exploration of their thoughts to find what is useful information and what is not entirely helpful or true. Finding evidence that does not support the hot thought creates potential for the birth of healing in the relationship.

2) Feel your feelings: your brain is wired to turn away from pain, including emotional pain. But what you resist persists, so the pain from feelings unexpressed doesn’t disappear. It’s possible to train the mind to be open and receptive to feelings without getting swept up in them, trapped in pain that you can’t recover from. Using openness and objectivity, I teach clients to observe, express and integrate whatever feelings arise so the old habits of pushing feelings away are left behind.

3) Turn toward what is going well, or love: our brains are wired to scan for danger, to track what is potentially harmful. You can override this mechanism by training your attention to notice and linger upon what is going well. One of the greatest pitfalls I see as couples try to work through problems is one or both members not appreciating the positive changes his or her partner is making because they are predicting the change won’t last. In this waiting for the shoe to drop mentality, you block the birth of growth and change in our relationships.

4) Act from your awakening heart: imagine yourself moving through each day from your heart center, a heart that is open, curious, accepting and loving, that is in the present moment, not driven by protecting itself from your partner’s past actions or hurtful ways of being.

I often see people who are clinging desperately to the story of how bad their partner is, interpreting every moment in the here and now through the lens of then and there. It’s also common for people to eschew the ideas of “feeling your feelings” and “acting from the heart” as just psychobabble. I get that a lot, and I understand that perspective.  It comes from the lack of education people are given about how the mind and brain work in the context of relationship. When someone feels hurt by a loved one, the brain sends signals of “Danger/Fight/Flee” automatically. The person will remain stuck in this defensive mode if he or she hasn’t yet learned the skill of using the mind to engage attention in ways that can soothe the brain to return the mind to an open, receptive state. The place where stressors can be transformed into opportunities.

Sometimes it takes a therapist as an attuned “other” to help two people who have become lost in their narrative of the other to use their minds to change their brains so they may bring forward a new, healthier chapter in their lives. With Tara Brach’s beautiful metaphor of the womb versus the tomb and the training of attention, change is possible!