No matter what the content of the conflict that couples present during therapy, the process of healing always includes rebuilding the trust that has been eroded. Loss of trust does not just come from cheating or lying, it suffers wounds from the elements of ongoing conflict: feelings of not being heard, considered, understood, valued, or loved.
Over time, dissent likely leads to disconnection, and the loss of trust that one’s partner really is capable of, and interested in, being “on my side,” as couples so often put it.
My approach to rebuilding trust begins with teaching clients how to notice and tune into moments that offer an invitation to turn toward their partner, tune into their perspective, and validate their thoughts, feelings, and sensations. With repetition, each member of the couple may re-build a sense of connection, feeling felt, and being understood by the other that serves to buoy them in times of stress.
When conflict arises, as it will, each member of the couple may be better equipped to handle the tension that arises, because his or her “emotional fuel tank” has been filled by deep listening, perspective taking, and emotional validation. Each person can trust that the other genuinely cares, clearly understands, and holds the other’s best interest at heart because of the moments that have been spent tuning into each other.
Dr. John Gottman calls this building trust in “Sliding door moments.” Listen to what he has to say about trust:
I collaborate with couples to help them identify and maximize those “Sliding Door” moments in order to protect the relationship from the divisive effects of turning away or turning toward the other with defensiveness, shame, and blame that lead to lost of trust.
I’ve adapted the “ATTUNE” framework Gottman mentions and added in a version to be used with emotionally charged topics that couples repeatedly bump up against. I find with practice, couples stop bringing in “issues” for me to help them resolve because they have a framework for communicating about whatever arises with a sense of confidence, connection and clarity. It’s incredible to witness people rediscovering the love they still feel for the other when they feared it might be lost.
Find out more about the process of rebuilding trust with attuned communication by emailing me today: laura@laurafishtherapy.com.
