- Acknowledge the child’s perspective and empathize.
Even if you can’t “do anything” about the child’s challenge, empathize. Just being understood helps most people begin to let go of troubling emotions. If a child’s emotional reaction to something seems out of proportion to the situation, remember it’s crucial to consider what has happened from the child’s perspective, not yours. When you validate a child’s perspective you have the potential to interrupt the fight, fight, freeze or faint response happening in the brain, starting the child down the path of calming down, or regulating.
Showing empathy doesn’t necessarily mean you agree; instead, you are letting the child know you understand how he views what has happened and, more importantly, how he feels. By validating the child’s thoughts and feelings, you convey the message that the child is entitled to his perspective and to have an emotional response to what occurred. We all know how good it feels to have our position acknowledged; somehow it can make it easier when we don’t get our way.
- “You’re frustrated that you have to stop playing to come to circle. It’s hard to stop playing sometimes!”
- “You wish you could have all the toys to yourself, don’t you? Sharing at school can be hard!”
- “You’re mad your tower fell! You worked so hard on it.”
Why this encourages emotional intelligence:
- Feeling understood triggers the release of soothing chemicals in the brain and body that help strengthen neural pathways. These same pathways will be activated as the child attempts to soothe himself in the future, potentially making calming down an easier, more efficient process.
- Children develop empathy in part by experiencing it from others. When adults reflect children’s perspectives, they begin to develop insight into their feelings. This may help them to consider and understand how other children and adults feel, or empathy, in the future.
- Helping the child reflect on her experience and what triggers her feelings strengthens the child’s ability to identify and understand her feelings. For little ones, just knowing there’s a name for feelings is an early tool in learning to manage the emotions that flood them.
- Allow expression
Children struggle to differentiate between their emotions and their “selves.” In fact, many adults have trouble with this differentiation as well, getting caught up in waves of strong emotion that lead to a strong reaction versus a balanced response! Accepting children’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, gives children the message that they are physically and emotionally safe and connected despite the intense thoughts, sensations and behaviors that accompany many strong emotions.
Disapproving of strong emotions, such as fear or anger, won’t stop children from having those feelings, but it may well force a child to repress them to avoid feeling bad about himself. Unfortunately, repressed feelings don’t fade away. Because they aren’t under conscious control when you avoid them, they emerge “out of nowhere,” it seems, when a child socks her friend, spits on you, or repeatedly destroys property, etc.
Instead of dismissing or denying children’s emotions, convey to the child that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, including exploration of feelings as a part of problem solving and planning for appropriate behavior.
- “You’re so mad your friend broke that toy! You wanted to play with it. Let me help you resolve your problem…let’s talk to him about what happened and how you are both feeling right now.”
- “You seem worried about the field trip today. I used to get nervous on field trips too, in kindergarten. Want to tell me about it?”
- “You’re so frustrated! Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning…I wonder if you just need to cry? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. Would you like me to sit with you here?”
Why this encourages emotional intelligence:
- Your acceptance helps children identify, understand and express their emotions. Validation helps children feel safe and soothed, which helps them resolve their feelings more effectively.
- As children begin to develop insight into their interior landscape–thoughts, bodily sensations, and feelings–their ability to practice empathy with others grows.
- Your acceptance teaches the child that her emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable. She learns that she is not alone. She learns that even the less pleasant parts of herself are acceptable, which means that she is wholly ok, just the way she is.
- Listen to the child’s feelings.
Remember, strong emotions do not dissipate readily without the proper attention and soothing. Whether the child is six months or sixteen, he needs you to listen to the feelings he’s expressing, which may mean attempting to see the feeling behind the behavior! Two-year olds are not going to walk up to you and say, “I’m so mad that I don’t get to be first in line to go outside.” Instead, the child likely will cry, scream and/or push the line leader to signify how he is feeling through his behavior. It’s up to you to attune to that child’s perspective, be curious, and strive to uncover the feelings associated with the behavior.
Once you offer options to the child, “Looks like you really wanted to be first in line, huh, Jacob? And you pushed him because you were mad he was there instead. Is that right?” With this attuned engagement, you help the child feel and express his feelings, which predicts he’ll be able to manage them better, with further help from you, of course. To feel safe identifying, understand and expressing feelings, children need to know you’re fully present and listening without fear of repercussions. Assured that it’s safe both physically and emotionally, children have an amazing ability to release their feelings and shift gears. Your job? Breathe through it, stay present, and resist the urge to rush through those troublesome feelings when you can.
- “You look so sad and mad you just want to scream and yell and cry. Everybody feels that way sometimes. I’m right here…it’s okay to feel all those big feelings. You can show me how mad and sad you are. Let me help show you a way.”
- “You are so mad you’re yelling at me to go away. I’ll move back a little, but I’m staying nearby because I want you to be safe. You can be as sad and mad as you want. I’m here to help when you want my help.”
- “You’re trying so hard to eat with your fork and it keeps falling off. How does that feel…seems frustrating!”
Why this encourages emotional intelligence:
- Emotions emerge quickly sometimes, move through us, swamp us, and then pass away. When we fend them off or repress them, emotions may get stuck inside us rather than finding healthy expression. But children’s brains are wired to prevent this, so they naturally avoid repressing feelings, expressing themselves with their behavior until we teach them how to pause, notice, and express their feelings before they act. Of course, the part of the brain that allows them to think before acting, the prefrontal cortex, isn’t fully developed it’s believed until the mid-twenties…so we teach them this skill, but they won’t be able to fully apply it consistently until much later in life!
- When we help our children feel safe enough to identify, understand and express their emotions, we not only support brain development; we help them develop a sense of self that includes understanding the role their emotions play in their behavior. In the future, this knowledge of the connection among thoughts, feelings, and behavior will serve them well.
- Teach problem solving
Emotions are messages to be considered, not mud for wallowing. When a challenge happens, teach children to notice the sensations in their bodies, the thoughts that arise, and the associated emotions they feel. Next, help them breathe as they think, feel, and sense their body, tolerating the experience without rushing to “do” anything about it. Once they aren’t in the grip of strong emotions, sensations or negative thoughts, give children guidance on how to shift gears: offer choices, ask their ideas for next steps, or walk them through the steps to problem-solving which include having all children or adults involved say what happened, how they feel, and possible solutions. This process helps shift children from a reactive state of mind to a responsive state of mind, allowing for rational thinking and planning to occur, with the help of attuned adults (of course!).
Once kids feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. This typically leaves an opening for problem solving. Sometimes, kids can do this themselves. Sometimes, they need your help to brainstorm. But resist the urge to rush in and handle the problem for them unless they ask you to; that gives him the message that you don’t have confidence in his ability to handle it himself.
- “You look so disappointed that the dramatic play area is full…you are hanging your head and you have tears in your eyes. You were really looking forward to playing with the tea set we just got, weren’t you? What might you need right now to help you solve this problem?”
- “Seems like you’re pretty frustrated with Sam not giving you a turn. Sometimes it’s hard to play together, huh? I wonder what you could say to help you two start to work it out?”
Why this encourages emotional intelligence:
- Kids need to express their feelings as a healthy part of finding constructive solutions to problems. That takes practice and modeling on our part. Adults, cross-culturally, tend to leave out identification and expression of emotions during problem solving; or, if they do it, they only point out the feelings of the child that was “wronged” or “hurt” robbing the other child/children involved in the conflict of a chance to tune in to their emotions.
- Pausing to allow all children involved in a conflict to identify, understand and express their emotions will help them get into their “thinking brains” quicker, shift from reactive to responsive mode, maximizing the chance of resolving the conflict in a way that feels acceptable to all.
5. Play it out
When you notice a negative pattern developing, recognize that your child has some big feelings she doesn’t know how to handle, and step in with the best medicine: play! Validating the emotions in a playful way is one way to engage the responsive mode of the child’s brain.
For instance:
- Two-year old Jemiah wants the red cup at lunch. You see there is only one that is clean, and Elena has it. As he starts to cry, you validate his feelings, “I know, Jemiah, you love using red cups.” You ask him to show you the sign for drinking and rub his heart to act out how he loves them. Next you try juggling the other three cups you have, or you start having them dance on the table as you sing, inviting him to play a game with the cups you have for him to choose from.
- This isn’t simply distracting him; instead, it’s validating his emotions then engaging the playful parts of his brain to help him shift gears to accept another choice of cups; again, shifting from reactive to responsive mode in the brain.
Why this encourages emotional intelligence:
- All children (and adults!) experience big feelings throughout the day. Children often feel powerless and pushed around, angry, sad, frightened, or jealous. These feelings can deplete their basic needs for emotional safety, satisfaction, and connection. Emotionally healthy kids benefit from processing these feelings through play, which is how little ones of all species learn. Helping your child “play” out his big inner conflicts helps to initiate resolution, so he can move on to the next age-appropriate developmental challenge.
- Your child may not be able to put his deeper emotional conflicts into words; that’s tough even for most adults. But he can play them out symbolically and even resolve them sometimes through simply getting your validation of the emotion then your guidance for shifting gears.
Most adults did not grow up with a model for how to identify, understand, express and manage their emotions; instead, the message was to just MANAGE feelings, “Stop crying,” or “Don’t be angry!” Today, science shows us the importance of teaching children how to identify, understand and express their feelings, known as emotional literacy, so they can learn healthy ways to regulate those feelings. Together, emotional literacy and emotion regulation leads to emotional intelligence.
Adapted from http://www.ahaparenting.com by Laura Fish MS, LMFT.
For more about the brain, emotional intelligence, and child development, please visit my website at http://www.laurafishtherapy.com/#Resources for articles, podcasts, and links to additional websites.
