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Conscious Communication

Photographer: Brooke Shaden

Emotional well-being flows from the ability to clearly communicate what you need. This is not an inborn gift, but a skill to be learned.

Where to start?

By tuning inward: learning to become conscious, or aware, of your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, beliefs, and bodily sensations. What is here, now? Then expressing what you find and what you need. To speak courageously, from the heart.

Such introspection, however, may activate a sense of vulnerability. When people feel vulnerable, they commonly compensate by becoming demanding and threatening, believing that forcefulness will increase the likelihood of getting what they need, or they retreat into a state of shut down and cut-off. Neither approach effectively gets one’s needs met. A demand implies that the recipient is of lesser value than the giver and, therefore, that the giver has the right to dictate to others. Even if you give in to my demands, you will likely do so with resistance and resentment. If you rescue me from my state of retreat, I am likely to resent you or be disgusted with myself for my perceived victimization.

Of course, the origin of such behavioral reactions comes from outside our conscious awareness: the nervous system is scanning, and detecting, a danger or threat to our well-being in such moments. When our needs for emotional and physical safety, satisfaction and connection are not being met, our nervous system does it’s best to protect us; unfortunately, we develop unhealthy habits of fighting, fleeing, or freezing (shutting down/cutting off) instead of socially engaging to get those needs met.

Conscious communication starts with activating and strengthening our social engagement system’s capacity to collaborate and connect with ourselves and others in healthy ways to get our needs met. It invites an openness and receptivity to see what “is” without judgment, shame or blame, welcoming all involved to identify, understand and express what “is” on the way to seeking resolution and repair. This principle applies to all relationships, including those with your business partners, co-workers, friends, children, and parents.

Practicing Conscious Communication

In this article, I’ve slightly modified Marshall Rosenberg’s four-step process, plus added two steps that will help you start on the path to becoming a master of conscious communication.

1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset. Consider what happened, being as objective as possible. Just describe the facts as if you were an outside observer. For example, saying, “My husband is never on time,” is less useful than saying, “My husband agreed to meet at the movie theater at 7 p.m. and didn’t show up until 7:30.”

2. Take responsibility for your feelings. When describing your feelings, choose words that express the sensations you’re experiencing, such as “I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or jealous.” Avoid words that shame or blame the other: “You make me feel.” When you take responsibility for your emotions, you invite the other person to connect versus defend.

3. Identify what you need that you are not receiving. As infants, many of us had caregivers trying to figure out what we needed because we could not identify our needs and communicate them ourselves. Others had caregivers who did not try to meet our needs or were unsafe physically and/or emotionally. As adults, we may subconsciously expect loved ones to know what we need and spontaneously provide it, or we may subconsciously believe the other person can never meet our needs. You are much more likely to get your needs met if you can identify them and communicate them consciously and clearly: “It would help me if I know of changes that will impact what time you meet me,” or “To feel secure/safe/connected, it helps me to be certain of the time of your arrival.”

4. Ask for what you want. What specific behaviors or actions would fulfill your needs? For example, if you want more engagement from your partner, do not just ask him or her to spend more time with you; ask for something specific: to take a walk after dinner, or go to a movie on Saturday night. Express your need in the form of a request rather than a demand: “I’d love to spend more time together. Would you like to take a walk after dinner or go to a movie?” Or in regard to a pattern that isn’t working, “How can we create a system that works for both of us regarding tracking time?” Everyone has an inherent impulse to resist demands, whereas our sense of emotional safety, satisfaction and connection likely increases when we’re asked to be part of fulfilling a request or resolving an issue.

5. Consider the four gates of speech before you speak: Is this True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary? Is Now the Right Time to Say it? Part of being conscious in your communication is pausing to be present with what you are thinking, sensing, and feeling before you share with your partner. Never dismissing or denying your experience; but rather, looking inward to consider if what you want to speak to the other person is the truth versus some fear, mistaken belief, or narrative from childhood. Communicating the truth with kindness doesn’t mean you never say anything difficult; instead, it means considering whether this truth may benefit the other person as well as yourself. Considering if it is necessary to say it will help with the kindness aspect: must this truth be spoken now? The necessity is inextricably linked to the importance you place on the topic coupled with your belief that communication around the topic will benefit the relationship in the end. Finally, consider the timing: while what you have to say may be true, kind and necessary, is now the time to say it? This doesn’t mean avoiding important discussions, it means being aware, or conscious, of your partner’s ability to engage openly and receptively at that moment.  These four gates of speech may take practice to implement with fidelity. For most people, they go against our habitual way of speaking.

6. Add in what I call the 5th gate of speech: In my experience, conscious communication may break down when the speaker isn’t ready to hear the listener’s response. He or she has the desire to be heard, which is absolutely imperative, but equally important is the willingness to hear your partner’s response. Before initiating communication, consider asking yourself: “Am I ready to hear the response to what I have to say?” Being ready to listen and be changed by what you hear are two healthy components to communicating. If you only focus on your perspective, on what you think, feel, sense and believe, then you are not consciously communicating, you are telling.

Although using this process doesn’t guarantee that you’ll always get your needs met, it will substantially increase the likelihood that you’ll spend more time feeling comfortable and at ease with communication, and less time in emotional distress. Conscious Communication is best practiced alongside the tenets of the Couples Dialogue that I teach to clients from Imago Therapy. For more on that framework, email me at laura@laurafishtherapy.com.

This article was adapted in 2018 by Laura Fish, LMFT. The skills of conscious communication and emotional awareness are vital components of the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle Certification Program.

The Negativity Trap: part 2

In Part 1 of “The Negativity Trap,” you learned the brain’s reasons for focusing on the negative as well as some mind methods for balancing out that bias. I shared Rick Hanson’s beautiful metaphor of cultivating the garden of the brain using the mind to witness the garden, pull the weeds, or plant flowers as an approach to creating such balance.

Now let’s take a closer look at the three ways to cultivate the garden of your brain using your mind:

1) Witness the garden: being with what is there means tuning in to whatever is present: the good, the bad and even what may seem neutral. As you survey your garden of experiences, allow your attention to land on both the flowers and the weeds while remaining open and receptive to seeing what is there without trying to change it at first.  Next, shift your gaze inward toward intrapersonal attunement: what am I thinking, feeling, sensing, remembering, or perceiving in relationship to what I am noticing in my surroundings?

Tara Brach calls this practice taking a “U-turn” back toward self. Shifting your awareness from what is happening “out there” toward your internal state of mind and body. This aspect of mindfulness helps you develop a relationship between what is happening externally with that internally, a practice which activates the process of integration for your mind, brain and even your relationships.

Ultimately, an integrated brain supports your ability to respond versus react, creating a space between stimulus and response for a more balanced way of being in the world. With the negativity bias, the brain is primed to react when left unsupervised by the mind.

Consider the following example of a preschool teacher I coached through avoiding the negativity trap by using her mind to cultivate the garden of her brain. After observing her classroom that morning, we met as she described, in an understandably very agitated manner, the behavior of a four-year-old she deemed “out of control”: the child had been turning over tables, cursing, hitting children and staff, running out of the room and failing to follow the classroom’s rules in general. As her coach, I spent a good amount of time actively listening to her narrative, asking her questions to help her tell the story of this child, and validating her perspective. Everything the teacher told me about what was happening with the child, was negative. Since I was there, I could verify it all really happened.

After helping her tell the story of this child’s behavior, I asked her to practice intrapersonal attunement regarding this narrative. I guided her to make the “U-turn” to go inward: exploring her thoughts about the situation, her feelings, the sensations she may have in her body as she recalled the child’s behaviors, what images/memories she might recall related to what she was experiencing and any beliefs that might be arising.  In this way, I gently encouraged her to shift her focus from “out there” i.e., on the child, to “in here,” i.e., her state of mind and body. I wanted her to witness and experience her relationship to this child’s behavior: what did his behavior ignite inside her? When I meet with teachers to reflect and plan about children with challenging behavior, we start with observation. Such observation, however, includes exploration of the adult’s mental activity and body awareness, not just the behavior of the child.

What came to light from this reflective process was how her values, perceptions and beliefs about challenging behavior in general, and this child specifically, were linked to experiences and memories from her upbringing as well as her training as a teacher. While she felt she had to scan her classroom for dangerous or negative behavior, she realized that mostly seeing the “weeds” activated her fight, flight or freeze response. She was anxious almost all day around this child. The teacher felt her colleagues, supervisor and the families would see her as incompetent if she couldn’t control this child, and she believed she didn’t have the skill to handle the behaviors this child displayed.

Her beliefs about challenging behavior as well as her reactive stress response to such behavior led to her current feelings of anxiousness, helplessness, overwhelm, worthlessness and even anger which manifested in sensations of pain in her back and tightness in her shoulders. She had been on “autopilot” for so long, that she had never stopped to notice the details of her experience, she just knew she felt “crummy” at the end of every day. I validated her perspective and her emotions, encouraging her to offer loving kindness and compassion toward herself instead of judging herself for being triggered.

This teacher had never stopped to consider the connection between what was happening “out there” in the classroom with what was “in here” (mental activity) because she was always in a rush to fix it, to stop the behavior.  This is true for most teachers given the demands of their daily work and lack of time they are given to engage in reflection. By pausing to “be with what is here,” the teacher acknowledged some of the feelings that kept her trapped in the negative and experienced a slight shift of relief by naming them with an attuned other present. From there, we could move forward with other aspects of cultivating the garden of her brain to help her balance out the negativity bias.

2) Pull the weeds: letting go of what isn’t serving you, the “bad,” starts by noticing both the external and the internal challenges with the intention of retrieving, reflecting and then releasing…not getting stuck there.  Instead of being highjacked by the negative, or feeling like you are “in the weeds,” you tune into what is there with presence and purpose giving it the loving kindness, compassion and non-judgement that creates the balance you need to allow you to release the negative— to pull the weeds at the root, hopefully! Pulling the weeds with intention not from a state of reactivity.

As the teacher above continued her narrative of the child with the challenging behavior, I helped her identify what she might change in herself first before she asked for changes in the child. What outdated software, or beliefs, might she be running about challenging behavior in general and specifically about the expectations for this child that she could let go of, or update, to help her feel more balanced, less overwhelmed? Like a computer, our minds need updates in order to for our brains to run efficiently!

In this case, the teacher was overly linked to the child: she was reacting to the scary behavior versus responding to it due to the thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories this behavior triggered in her. Because she did not differentiate herself from the behavior or the child, she was in the weeds, highjacked by the pressure she felt to “fix” it. Understandable, yes, but efficient or satisfying, no!

The teacher spent time acknowledging her feelings of worthlessness, overwhelm, helplessness and anger that arose as she told the story and realized that these feelings directly tied to an internal narrative  she developed over the course of her life: to be successful and competent she couldn’t fail, she had to always fix the problem, her feelings didn’t matter, and as a teacher she had to manage the classroom by controlling the children or others would judge her and she would be a failure. All these beliefs contributed to her current feeling state and ultimately, she was angry about it all.

Clearly, there were a lot of “weeds” to be pulled from the internal narratives that were draining her battery. How could anyone expect to live up to these standards? And yet, many of you likely have a similar set of values, perceptions and beliefs about yourself and the world. We began to talk about how she could update her software about challenging behavior and her role as the teacher to begin the process of letting go of what wasn’t serving her.

3) Grow the flowers: the teacher’s negativity bias had her seeing only “weeds” when she surveyed the garden of her classroom, but with mindfulness she was able to tune into her mental activity and realize the connection between the child’s behaviors and her brain’s reactivity regarding those behaviors. Clearly, the child’s behavior was dangerous both physically and emotionally for himself, other children, and the staff; and yet, my goal was to help the teacher learn how to cultivate a responsive, reflective state of mind to help this child versus being caught in the trap of negativity and reactivity.

Once we helped her identify, understand, and express her emotions as well as update some of her beliefs, I asked her to consider the child’s strengths: what were some positive things she could say about him and/or her relationship with him? The process of tuning in, reflecting, and mindfully exploring what was “there” with non -judgement, loving-kindness and compassion for herself allowed her to move to this step of extending those same feelings toward the child and recalling several strengths. Next, she extended the same consideration for herself and her co-workers: what strengths did they bring to bear in this situation? At that point, she was in a more integrated state of mind and brain, able to explore the functional assessment process to create a behavior support plan for the child and her.

The human brain is wired to scan for what is missing or what is wrong to keep you safe…thank goodness! And yet, this circuitry may work overtime when left without the supervision of the mind, activating the reactive circuitry in your brain that leaves you feeling drained, regretful, stuck or burned out. Harnessing the mind’s power to direct your attention, consider starting a practice of noticing the positive. Allow yourself to linger there. Absorb the positive. Don’t rush past it. By activating this practice of taking in the good, you begin to create a balanced brain with circuitry that moves toward openness and receptivity; in short, to respond versus react from an integrated brain. With repeated activation, you will install this trait of responsiveness which primes you to grow a garden filled with flowers and to pull the weeds when needed with the presence and purposefulness versus habit and harriedness.

If you would like to receive training or coaching on this topic, or just to learn more about the mind, brain and behaviors, please visit me at consulting.laurafishtherapy.com.

5 Steps to Nurture Emotional Intelligence in Children

 

  1. Acknowledge the child’s perspective and empathize.

Even if you can’t “do anything” about the child’s challenge, empathize. Just being understood helps most people begin to let go of troubling emotions. If a child’s emotional reaction to something seems out of proportion to the situation, remember it’s crucial to consider what has happened from the child’s perspective, not yours.  When you validate a child’s perspective you have the potential to interrupt the fight, fight, freeze or faint response happening in the brain, starting the child down the path of calming down, or regulating.

Showing empathy doesn’t necessarily mean you agree; instead, you are letting the child know you understand how he views what has happened and, more importantly, how he feels. By validating the child’s thoughts and feelings, you convey the message that the child is entitled to his perspective and to have an emotional response to what occurred. We all know how good it feels to have our position acknowledged; somehow it can make it easier when we don’t get our way.

  • “You’re frustrated that you have to stop playing to come to circle. It’s hard to stop playing sometimes!”
  • “You wish you could have all the toys to yourself, don’t you? Sharing at school can be hard!”
  • “You’re mad your tower fell! You worked so hard on it.”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • Feeling understood triggers the release of soothing chemicals in the brain and body that help strengthen neural pathways. These same pathways will be activated as the child attempts to soothe himself in the future, potentially making calming down an easier, more efficient process.
  • Children develop empathy in part by experiencing it from others. When adults reflect children’s perspectives, they begin to develop insight into their feelings. This may help them to consider and understand how other children and adults feel, or empathy, in the future.
  • Helping the child reflect on her experience and what triggers her feelings strengthens the child’s ability to identify and understand her feelings. For little ones, just knowing there’s a name for feelings is an early tool in learning to manage the emotions that flood them.
  1. Allow expression

Children struggle to differentiate between their emotions and their “selves.” In fact, many adults have trouble with this differentiation as well, getting caught up in waves of strong emotion that lead to a strong reaction versus a balanced response! Accepting children’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, gives children the message that they are physically and emotionally safe and connected despite the intense thoughts, sensations and behaviors that accompany many strong emotions.

Disapproving of strong emotions, such as fear or anger, won’t stop children from having those feelings, but it may well force a child to repress them to avoid feeling bad about himself. Unfortunately, repressed feelings don’t fade away. Because they aren’t under conscious control when you avoid them, they emerge “out of nowhere,” it seems, when a child socks her friend, spits on you, or repeatedly destroys property, etc.

Instead of dismissing or denying children’s emotions, convey to the child that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, including exploration of feelings as a part of problem solving and planning for appropriate behavior.

  • “You’re so mad your friend broke that toy! You wanted to play with it. Let me help you resolve your problem…let’s talk to him about what happened and how you are both feeling right now.”
  • “You seem worried about the field trip today. I used to get nervous on field trips too, in kindergarten. Want to tell me about it?”
  • “You’re so frustrated! Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning…I wonder if you just need to cry? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. Would you like me to sit with you here?”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • Your acceptance helps children identify, understand and express their emotions. Validation helps children feel safe and soothed, which helps them resolve their feelings more effectively.
  • As children begin to develop insight into their interior landscape–thoughts, bodily sensations, and feelings–their ability to practice empathy with others grows.
  • Your acceptance teaches the child that her emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable. She learns that she is not alone. She learns that even the less pleasant parts of herself are acceptable, which means that she is wholly ok, just the way she is.
  1. Listen to the child’s feelings.

Remember, strong emotions do not dissipate readily without the proper attention and soothing. Whether the child is six months or sixteen, he needs you to listen to the feelings he’s expressing, which may mean attempting to see the feeling behind the behavior! Two-year olds are not going to walk up to you and say, “I’m so mad that I don’t get to be first in line to go outside.” Instead, the child likely will cry, scream and/or push the line leader to signify how he is feeling through his behavior. It’s up to you to attune to that child’s perspective, be curious, and strive to uncover the feelings associated with the behavior.

Once you offer options to the child, “Looks like you really wanted to be first in line, huh, Jacob? And you pushed him because you were mad he was there instead. Is that right?” With this attuned engagement, you help the child feel and express his feelings, which predicts he’ll be able to manage them better, with further help from you, of course. To feel safe identifying, understand and expressing feelings, children need to know you’re fully present and listening without fear of repercussions. Assured that it’s safe both physically and emotionally, children have an amazing ability to release their feelings and shift gears. Your job? Breathe through it, stay present, and resist the urge to rush through those troublesome feelings when you can.

  • “You look so sad and mad you just want to scream and yell and cry. Everybody feels that way sometimes. I’m right here…it’s okay to feel all those big feelings. You can show me how mad and sad you are. Let me help show you a way.”
  • “You are so mad you’re yelling at me to go away. I’ll move back a little, but I’m staying nearby because I want you to be safe. You can be as sad and mad as you want. I’m here to help when you want my help.”
  • “You’re trying so hard to eat with your fork and it keeps falling off. How does that feel…seems frustrating!”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • Emotions emerge quickly sometimes, move through us, swamp us, and then pass away. When we fend them off or repress them, emotions may get stuck inside us rather than finding healthy expression. But children’s brains are wired to prevent this, so they naturally avoid repressing feelings, expressing themselves with their behavior until we teach them how to pause, notice, and express their feelings before they act. Of course, the part of the brain that allows them to think before acting, the prefrontal cortex, isn’t fully developed it’s believed until the mid-twenties…so we teach them this skill, but they won’t be able to fully apply it consistently until much later in life!
  • When we help our children feel safe enough to identify, understand and express their emotions, we not only support brain development; we help them develop a sense of self that includes understanding the role their emotions play in their behavior. In the future, this knowledge of the connection among thoughts, feelings, and behavior will serve them well.
  1. Teach problem solving

Emotions are messages to be considered, not mud for wallowing. When a challenge happens, teach children to notice the sensations in their bodies, the thoughts that arise, and the associated emotions they feel. Next, help them breathe as they think, feel, and sense their body, tolerating the experience without rushing to “do” anything about it. Once they aren’t in the grip of strong emotions, sensations or negative thoughts, give children guidance on how to shift gears: offer choices, ask their ideas for next steps, or walk them through the steps to problem-solving which include having all children or adults involved say what happened, how they feel, and possible solutions. This process helps shift children from a reactive state of mind to a responsive state of mind, allowing for rational thinking and planning to occur, with the help of attuned adults (of course!).

Once kids feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. This typically leaves an opening for problem solving. Sometimes, kids can do this themselves. Sometimes, they need your help to brainstorm. But resist the urge to rush in and handle the problem for them unless they ask you to; that gives him the message that you don’t have confidence in his ability to handle it himself.

  • “You look so disappointed that the dramatic play area is full…you are hanging your head and you have tears in your eyes. You were really looking forward to playing with the tea set we just got, weren’t you? What might you need right now to help you solve this problem?”
  • “Seems like you’re pretty frustrated with Sam not giving you a turn. Sometimes it’s hard to play together, huh? I wonder what you could say to help you two start to work it out?”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • Kids need to express their feelings as a healthy part of finding constructive solutions to problems. That takes practice and modeling on our part. Adults, cross-culturally, tend to leave out identification and expression of emotions during problem solving; or, if they do it, they only point out the feelings of the child that was “wronged” or “hurt” robbing the other child/children involved in the conflict of a chance to tune in to their emotions.
  • Pausing to allow all children involved in a conflict to identify, understand and express their emotions will help them get into their “thinking brains” quicker, shift from reactive to responsive mode, maximizing the chance of resolving the conflict in a way that feels acceptable to all.

5. Play it out

When you notice a negative pattern developing, recognize that your child has some big feelings she doesn’t know how to handle, and step in with the best medicine: play! Validating the emotions in a playful way is one way to engage the responsive mode of the child’s brain.

For instance:

  • Two-year old Jemiah wants the red cup at lunch. You see there is only one that is clean, and Elena has it. As he starts to cry, you validate his feelings, “I know, Jemiah, you love using red cups.” You ask him to show you the sign for drinking and rub his heart to act out how he loves them. Next you try juggling the other three cups you have, or you start having them dance on the table as you sing, inviting him to play a game with the cups you have for him to choose from.
  • This isn’t simply distracting him; instead, it’s validating his emotions then engaging the playful parts of his brain to help him shift gears to accept another choice of cups; again, shifting from reactive to responsive mode in the brain.

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • All children (and adults!) experience big feelings throughout the day. Children often feel powerless and pushed around, angry, sad, frightened, or jealous. These feelings can deplete their basic needs for emotional safety, satisfaction, and connection. Emotionally healthy kids benefit from processing these feelings through play, which is how little ones of all species learn. Helping your child “play” out his big inner conflicts helps to initiate resolution, so he can move on to the next age-appropriate developmental challenge.
  • Your child may not be able to put his deeper emotional conflicts into words; that’s tough even for most adults. But he can play them out symbolically and even resolve them sometimes through simply getting your validation of the emotion then your guidance for shifting gears.

Most adults did not grow up with a model for how to identify, understand, express and manage their emotions; instead, the message was to just MANAGE feelings, “Stop crying,” or “Don’t be angry!” Today, science shows us the importance of teaching children how to identify, understand and express their feelings, known as emotional literacy, so they can learn healthy ways to regulate those feelings. Together, emotional literacy and emotion regulation leads to emotional intelligence.

Adapted from http://www.ahaparenting.com by Laura Fish MS, LMFT. 

For more about the brain, emotional intelligence, and child development, please visit my website at http://www.laurafishtherapy.com/#Resources for articles, podcasts, and links to additional websites.

Welcome…I’m glad you are here

The Austrian artist Gustav Klimt created the painting above to depict a woman’s journey from “Expectation” to “Fulfillment” as part of the Tree of Life.

We all have things we want out of life that we expect will bring us fulfillment: a love relationship, a better job, more money, health, maybe even children.

Fulfillment begins with consciously reflecting about what you need to leave behind, or change, as well as what you hope to call into your life. It’s important to be specific. Generalizations such as, “I just want to be happy,” or “I don’t want to fight with my partner,” may make the journey from expectation to fulfillment longer and more difficult. So will continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results.

The purpose of this site is to provide you with research, strategies, and real-life stories of practical application to help you make that journey to fulfillment, or what I call healing for lasting change, easier. Here you will find a range of topics to draw from as you clarify your expectations, identify your goals for change, and then choose strategies that are in alignment with your values, perceptions and beliefs to help you create the life you want to live.

Whether you are searching for yourself, for you and your partner, or as a parent for your child or adolescent, you will find strategies grounded in neuroscience to promote the lasting change you desire.