Photographer: Brooke Shaden
Emotional well-being flows from the ability to clearly communicate what you need. This is not an inborn gift, but a skill to be learned.
Where to start?
By tuning inward: learning to become conscious, or aware, of your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, beliefs, and bodily sensations. What is here, now? Then expressing what you find and what you need. To speak courageously, from the heart.
Such introspection, however, may activate a sense of vulnerability. When people feel vulnerable, they commonly compensate by becoming demanding and threatening, believing that forcefulness will increase the likelihood of getting what they need, or they retreat into a state of shut down and cut-off. Neither approach effectively gets one’s needs met. A demand implies that the recipient is of lesser value than the giver and, therefore, that the giver has the right to dictate to others. Even if you give in to my demands, you will likely do so with resistance and resentment. If you rescue me from my state of retreat, I am likely to resent you or be disgusted with myself for my perceived victimization.
Of course, the origin of such behavioral reactions comes from outside our conscious awareness: the nervous system is scanning, and detecting, a danger or threat to our well-being in such moments. When our needs for emotional and physical safety, satisfaction and connection are not being met, our nervous system does it’s best to protect us; unfortunately, we develop unhealthy habits of fighting, fleeing, or freezing (shutting down/cutting off) instead of socially engaging to get those needs met.
Conscious communication starts with activating and strengthening our social engagement system’s capacity to collaborate and connect with ourselves and others in healthy ways to get our needs met. It invites an openness and receptivity to see what “is” without judgment, shame or blame, welcoming all involved to identify, understand and express what “is” on the way to seeking resolution and repair. This principle applies to all relationships, including those with your business partners, co-workers, friends, children, and parents.
Practicing Conscious Communication
In this article, I’ve slightly modified Marshall Rosenberg’s four-step process, plus added two steps that will help you start on the path to becoming a master of conscious communication.
1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset. Consider what happened, being as objective as possible. Just describe the facts as if you were an outside observer. For example, saying, “My husband is never on time,” is less useful than saying, “My husband agreed to meet at the movie theater at 7 p.m. and didn’t show up until 7:30.”
2. Take responsibility for your feelings. When describing your feelings, choose words that express the sensations you’re experiencing, such as “I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or jealous.” Avoid words that shame or blame the other: “You make me feel.” When you take responsibility for your emotions, you invite the other person to connect versus defend.
3. Identify what you need that you are not receiving. As infants, many of us had caregivers trying to figure out what we needed because we could not identify our needs and communicate them ourselves. Others had caregivers who did not try to meet our needs or were unsafe physically and/or emotionally. As adults, we may subconsciously expect loved ones to know what we need and spontaneously provide it, or we may subconsciously believe the other person can never meet our needs. You are much more likely to get your needs met if you can identify them and communicate them consciously and clearly: “It would help me if I know of changes that will impact what time you meet me,” or “To feel secure/safe/connected, it helps me to be certain of the time of your arrival.”
4. Ask for what you want. What specific behaviors or actions would fulfill your needs? For example, if you want more engagement from your partner, do not just ask him or her to spend more time with you; ask for something specific: to take a walk after dinner, or go to a movie on Saturday night. Express your need in the form of a request rather than a demand: “I’d love to spend more time together. Would you like to take a walk after dinner or go to a movie?” Or in regard to a pattern that isn’t working, “How can we create a system that works for both of us regarding tracking time?” Everyone has an inherent impulse to resist demands, whereas our sense of emotional safety, satisfaction and connection likely increases when we’re asked to be part of fulfilling a request or resolving an issue.
5. Consider the four gates of speech before you speak: Is this True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary? Is Now the Right Time to Say it? Part of being conscious in your communication is pausing to be present with what you are thinking, sensing, and feeling before you share with your partner. Never dismissing or denying your experience; but rather, looking inward to consider if what you want to speak to the other person is the truth versus some fear, mistaken belief, or narrative from childhood. Communicating the truth with kindness doesn’t mean you never say anything difficult; instead, it means considering whether this truth may benefit the other person as well as yourself. Considering if it is necessary to say it will help with the kindness aspect: must this truth be spoken now? The necessity is inextricably linked to the importance you place on the topic coupled with your belief that communication around the topic will benefit the relationship in the end. Finally, consider the timing: while what you have to say may be true, kind and necessary, is now the time to say it? This doesn’t mean avoiding important discussions, it means being aware, or conscious, of your partner’s ability to engage openly and receptively at that moment. These four gates of speech may take practice to implement with fidelity. For most people, they go against our habitual way of speaking.
6. Add in what I call the 5th gate of speech: In my experience, conscious communication may break down when the speaker isn’t ready to hear the listener’s response. He or she has the desire to be heard, which is absolutely imperative, but equally important is the willingness to hear your partner’s response. Before initiating communication, consider asking yourself: “Am I ready to hear the response to what I have to say?” Being ready to listen and be changed by what you hear are two healthy components to communicating. If you only focus on your perspective, on what you think, feel, sense and believe, then you are not consciously communicating, you are telling.
Although using this process doesn’t guarantee that you’ll always get your needs met, it will substantially increase the likelihood that you’ll spend more time feeling comfortable and at ease with communication, and less time in emotional distress. Conscious Communication is best practiced alongside the tenets of the Couples Dialogue that I teach to clients from Imago Therapy. For more on that framework, email me at laura@laurafishtherapy.com.
This article was adapted in 2018 by Laura Fish, LMFT. The skills of conscious communication and emotional awareness are vital components of the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle Certification Program.