Category: Parenting

The Negativity Trap: part 2

In Part 1 of “The Negativity Trap,” you learned the brain’s reasons for focusing on the negative as well as some mind methods for balancing out that bias. I shared Rick Hanson’s beautiful metaphor of cultivating the garden of the brain using the mind to witness the garden, pull the weeds, or plant flowers as an approach to creating such balance.

Now let’s take a closer look at the three ways to cultivate the garden of your brain using your mind:

1) Witness the garden: being with what is there means tuning in to whatever is present: the good, the bad and even what may seem neutral. As you survey your garden of experiences, allow your attention to land on both the flowers and the weeds while remaining open and receptive to seeing what is there without trying to change it at first.  Next, shift your gaze inward toward intrapersonal attunement: what am I thinking, feeling, sensing, remembering, or perceiving in relationship to what I am noticing in my surroundings?

Tara Brach calls this practice taking a “U-turn” back toward self. Shifting your awareness from what is happening “out there” toward your internal state of mind and body. This aspect of mindfulness helps you develop a relationship between what is happening externally with that internally, a practice which activates the process of integration for your mind, brain and even your relationships.

Ultimately, an integrated brain supports your ability to respond versus react, creating a space between stimulus and response for a more balanced way of being in the world. With the negativity bias, the brain is primed to react when left unsupervised by the mind.

Consider the following example of a preschool teacher I coached through avoiding the negativity trap by using her mind to cultivate the garden of her brain. After observing her classroom that morning, we met as she described, in an understandably very agitated manner, the behavior of a four-year-old she deemed “out of control”: the child had been turning over tables, cursing, hitting children and staff, running out of the room and failing to follow the classroom’s rules in general. As her coach, I spent a good amount of time actively listening to her narrative, asking her questions to help her tell the story of this child, and validating her perspective. Everything the teacher told me about what was happening with the child, was negative. Since I was there, I could verify it all really happened.

After helping her tell the story of this child’s behavior, I asked her to practice intrapersonal attunement regarding this narrative. I guided her to make the “U-turn” to go inward: exploring her thoughts about the situation, her feelings, the sensations she may have in her body as she recalled the child’s behaviors, what images/memories she might recall related to what she was experiencing and any beliefs that might be arising.  In this way, I gently encouraged her to shift her focus from “out there” i.e., on the child, to “in here,” i.e., her state of mind and body. I wanted her to witness and experience her relationship to this child’s behavior: what did his behavior ignite inside her? When I meet with teachers to reflect and plan about children with challenging behavior, we start with observation. Such observation, however, includes exploration of the adult’s mental activity and body awareness, not just the behavior of the child.

What came to light from this reflective process was how her values, perceptions and beliefs about challenging behavior in general, and this child specifically, were linked to experiences and memories from her upbringing as well as her training as a teacher. While she felt she had to scan her classroom for dangerous or negative behavior, she realized that mostly seeing the “weeds” activated her fight, flight or freeze response. She was anxious almost all day around this child. The teacher felt her colleagues, supervisor and the families would see her as incompetent if she couldn’t control this child, and she believed she didn’t have the skill to handle the behaviors this child displayed.

Her beliefs about challenging behavior as well as her reactive stress response to such behavior led to her current feelings of anxiousness, helplessness, overwhelm, worthlessness and even anger which manifested in sensations of pain in her back and tightness in her shoulders. She had been on “autopilot” for so long, that she had never stopped to notice the details of her experience, she just knew she felt “crummy” at the end of every day. I validated her perspective and her emotions, encouraging her to offer loving kindness and compassion toward herself instead of judging herself for being triggered.

This teacher had never stopped to consider the connection between what was happening “out there” in the classroom with what was “in here” (mental activity) because she was always in a rush to fix it, to stop the behavior.  This is true for most teachers given the demands of their daily work and lack of time they are given to engage in reflection. By pausing to “be with what is here,” the teacher acknowledged some of the feelings that kept her trapped in the negative and experienced a slight shift of relief by naming them with an attuned other present. From there, we could move forward with other aspects of cultivating the garden of her brain to help her balance out the negativity bias.

2) Pull the weeds: letting go of what isn’t serving you, the “bad,” starts by noticing both the external and the internal challenges with the intention of retrieving, reflecting and then releasing…not getting stuck there.  Instead of being highjacked by the negative, or feeling like you are “in the weeds,” you tune into what is there with presence and purpose giving it the loving kindness, compassion and non-judgement that creates the balance you need to allow you to release the negative— to pull the weeds at the root, hopefully! Pulling the weeds with intention not from a state of reactivity.

As the teacher above continued her narrative of the child with the challenging behavior, I helped her identify what she might change in herself first before she asked for changes in the child. What outdated software, or beliefs, might she be running about challenging behavior in general and specifically about the expectations for this child that she could let go of, or update, to help her feel more balanced, less overwhelmed? Like a computer, our minds need updates in order to for our brains to run efficiently!

In this case, the teacher was overly linked to the child: she was reacting to the scary behavior versus responding to it due to the thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories this behavior triggered in her. Because she did not differentiate herself from the behavior or the child, she was in the weeds, highjacked by the pressure she felt to “fix” it. Understandable, yes, but efficient or satisfying, no!

The teacher spent time acknowledging her feelings of worthlessness, overwhelm, helplessness and anger that arose as she told the story and realized that these feelings directly tied to an internal narrative  she developed over the course of her life: to be successful and competent she couldn’t fail, she had to always fix the problem, her feelings didn’t matter, and as a teacher she had to manage the classroom by controlling the children or others would judge her and she would be a failure. All these beliefs contributed to her current feeling state and ultimately, she was angry about it all.

Clearly, there were a lot of “weeds” to be pulled from the internal narratives that were draining her battery. How could anyone expect to live up to these standards? And yet, many of you likely have a similar set of values, perceptions and beliefs about yourself and the world. We began to talk about how she could update her software about challenging behavior and her role as the teacher to begin the process of letting go of what wasn’t serving her.

3) Grow the flowers: the teacher’s negativity bias had her seeing only “weeds” when she surveyed the garden of her classroom, but with mindfulness she was able to tune into her mental activity and realize the connection between the child’s behaviors and her brain’s reactivity regarding those behaviors. Clearly, the child’s behavior was dangerous both physically and emotionally for himself, other children, and the staff; and yet, my goal was to help the teacher learn how to cultivate a responsive, reflective state of mind to help this child versus being caught in the trap of negativity and reactivity.

Once we helped her identify, understand, and express her emotions as well as update some of her beliefs, I asked her to consider the child’s strengths: what were some positive things she could say about him and/or her relationship with him? The process of tuning in, reflecting, and mindfully exploring what was “there” with non -judgement, loving-kindness and compassion for herself allowed her to move to this step of extending those same feelings toward the child and recalling several strengths. Next, she extended the same consideration for herself and her co-workers: what strengths did they bring to bear in this situation? At that point, she was in a more integrated state of mind and brain, able to explore the functional assessment process to create a behavior support plan for the child and her.

The human brain is wired to scan for what is missing or what is wrong to keep you safe…thank goodness! And yet, this circuitry may work overtime when left without the supervision of the mind, activating the reactive circuitry in your brain that leaves you feeling drained, regretful, stuck or burned out. Harnessing the mind’s power to direct your attention, consider starting a practice of noticing the positive. Allow yourself to linger there. Absorb the positive. Don’t rush past it. By activating this practice of taking in the good, you begin to create a balanced brain with circuitry that moves toward openness and receptivity; in short, to respond versus react from an integrated brain. With repeated activation, you will install this trait of responsiveness which primes you to grow a garden filled with flowers and to pull the weeds when needed with the presence and purposefulness versus habit and harriedness.

If you would like to receive training or coaching on this topic, or just to learn more about the mind, brain and behaviors, please visit me at consulting.laurafishtherapy.com.

Seeing the Child Behind the Behavior

When children have challenging behavior, it is easy to get stuck trying to “stop” the behavior. Unfortunately, they often ends up with a lot of pain and suffering for either the adult, the child, or both.

When we begin to understand how basic needs and function of behavior drive the brain to react or respond, our approach toward children with challenging behavior becomes more inclusive, attuned and effective!

With some brain basics, you can be on your way to a more safe, satisfying and connected relationship with the child or children in your life.

Find out more with Laura in Pre-K Teach and Play’s Podcast 27: Seeing the Child Behind the Behavior

To start working smarter, not harder, with children make sure you read more about the brain reasons for behavior in this article from Laura: Seeing the Child Behind the Behavior.

Bridging Communication Challenges

Conscious Communication

Emotional well-being flows from the ability to clearly communicate what you need. This isn’t an inborn gift, but a learnable skill.

Where to start? With oneself: learning to become conscious, or aware, of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations, then connecting those to a need and expressing that need.

Such introspection, however, may activate a sense of vulnerability. When people feel vulnerable, they commonly compensate by becoming demanding and threatening, believing that forcefulness will increase the likelihood of getting what they want. This approach often has the opposite effect. A demand implies that the recipient is of lesser value than the giver and, therefore, that the giver has the right to dictate to others. Even if you give in to my demands, you will likely do so with resistance and resentment. Sooner or later, you will no longer be willing to acquiesce and will stop meeting my needs.

In contrast, conscious communication invites an openness and receptivity to see what “is” without judgment, shame or blame, inviting both people to collaborate to understand and repair the issue. This principle applies to all relationships, including those with your business partners, co-workers, friends, children, and parents.

Practicing Conscious Communication

I’ve slightly modified Marshall Rosenberg’s four-step process, plus added two steps that will help you start on the path to becoming a master of conscious communication.

  1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset.Consider what happened, being as objective as possible. Just describe the facts as if you were an outside observer. For example, saying, “My husband is never on time,” is less useful than saying, “My husband agreed to meet at the movie theater at 7 p.m. and didn’t show up until 7:30.”
  2. Take responsibility for your feelings.When describing your feelings, choose words that express the sensations you’re experiencing, such as “I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or jealous.” Avoid words that reinforce a sense of victimization: “I feel neglected, betrayed, or rejected.” If you feel those feelings, fine, just reflect further to see what others might be there. When you take responsibility for your emotions, you are informing rather than blaming the people in your life.
  3. Identify what you need that you are not receiving.As infants, many of us had caregivers trying to figure out what we needed because we could not identify our needs and communicate them ourselves. Others had caregivers who did not try to meet our needs or were unsafe physically and/or emotionally. As adults, we may subconsciously expect loved ones to know what we need and spontaneously provide it, or we may subconsciously believe the other person can never meet our needs. You are much more likely to get your needs met if you can identify them and communicate them clearly: “It would help me if I know of changes that will impact what time you meet me,” or “To feel secure/safe/connected, it helps me to be certain of the time of your arrival.”
  4. Ask for what you want.What specific behaviors or actions would fulfill your needs? For example, if you want more engagement from your partner, do not just ask him or her to spend more time with you; ask to take a walk after dinner, or go to a movie on Saturday night. Express your need in the form of a request rather than a demand: “How can we create a system that works for both of us regarding tracking time?” Everyone has an inherent impulse to resist demands, whereas our sense of satisfaction and connection goes up when we’re able to fulfill requests.
  5. Consider the four gates of speech before you speak: Is this True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary? Is Now the Right Time to Say it? Part of being conscious in your communication is pausing to be present with what you are thinking, sensing, and feeling before you share with your partner. Never dismissing or denying your experience; but rather, looking inward to consider if what you want to speak to the other person is the truth versus some fear, mistaken belief, or narrative from childhood. Communicating the truth with kindness doesn’t mean you never say anything difficult; instead, it means considering whether this truth may benefit the other person as well as yourself. Considering if it is necessary to say it will help with the kindness aspect: must this truth be spoken now? The necessity is inextricably linked to the importance you place on the topic coupled with your belief that communication around the topic will benefit the relationship in the end. Finally, consider the timing: while what you have to say may be true, kind and necessary, is now the time to say it? This doesn’t mean avoiding important discussions, it means being aware, or conscious, of your partner’s ability to engage openly and receptively at that moment.
  6. Add in what I call the 5th gate of speech: In my experience, conscious communication may break down when the speaker isn’t ready to hear the listener’s response. He or she has the desire to be heard, which is absolutely imperative, but equally important is the willingness to hear one’s partner’s response. Before initiating communication, consider asking yourself: “Am I ready to hear the response?” Being ready to listen and be changed by what you hear are two healthy components to communicating. If we only focus on our perspective, on what we think, feel, sense and believe, then we are not consciously communicating, we are telling.

Although using this process doesn’t guarantee that you’ll always get your needs met, it will substantially increase the likelihood that you’ll spend more time feeling comfortable and at ease with communication, and less time in emotional distress.

This article was adapted in 2018 by Laura Fish, LMFT. The skills of conscious communication and emotional awareness are vital components of the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle Certification Program.

 

 

The Negativity Trap: part 1

It’s true that many people seem to have “…Velcro for the “bad” and Teflon for the “good.” This phrase from Rick Hanson describes the brain phenomenon of the negativity bias, the circuitry that primes humans to notice and cling to the negative more than the positive. The brain, mind and body work in concert to scan for what is bad, what you should move away from; or good, what you should go toward.

While this system for keeping you safe physically and emotionally does indeed serve humanity, too many times its over activation results in being stuck mostly scanning for the negative so you miss or undervalue the positive in your life. If the brain could talk to you, it might say, “The positives won’t cause you harm, so why linger there? You better get back to looking for danger.”

Research shows that most people tend to notice, and hold on to, the negatives longer than the positives they experience. For instance, if your supervisor gives you three examples of things you are doing well and one example of something you need to change, your tendency may be to hold on to, think about, and possibly even be upset about that one thing that needs to change. You focus on the “negative,” not the compliments! Does that sound familiar?

So, are you doomed to “be” negative?

The good news is no, you are not. You can change the circuitry of the brain and the habit of the mind that keeps you focused on the bad while minimizing the good.  The potentially bad news is new habits take effort, but learning a few mindfulness practices makes this effort less challenging.

A note of caution here: please do not think that you need to put all your energy into noticing only the positive to compensate for the brain’s bias. The approach to balancing our brains tendency for the negativity bias is not to race past the negative and just focus on the positive. A mental shift from taking in too much of the negative to avoiding the negativity at all cost is like trading seats on the titanic: you may have made a change, but you are still on a sinking ship.

The goal instead is to experience the good and the bad with an open, receptive state of mind supported by non-judgement, loving kindness, and compassion for self and others. This is mindfulness.

How do we do that? We use our minds to change our brains to change our minds for the better. Don’t worry, it’s not quite as complicated as it sounds.

To start, Rick Hanson encourages you to think of yourself as a gardener. There are three ways to cultivate the garden of your brain using mindfulness practices:

  • You can witness your garden, surveying it in its entirety, just noticing what is there (both positive and negative).
  • You can pull weeds (release the negative).
  • You can plant flowers (install the positive).

Notice that Hanson’s garden metaphor gives us choices for using the mind to create a balance in the brain. The goal is not necessarily to immediately release (get rid of) the negative, nor is to only install (enrich) the positive. Mindfulness helps you cultivate the ability to notice all that occurs as it arises, both the weeds and the flowers, and to tune in to whether it serves you to release the negative, install more of the positive, or just be with what is. With mindfulness, you strengthen the reflective circuitry in your brain creating an open, receptive state of mind that includes a stance of non-judgement, loving kindness, and compassion for self and others. Instead of being trapped in negativity, you will strengthen your brain’s ability to pause and consider:

  • What do you notice?
  • What might you want to release?
  • What might you want to install?

Please read Part 2 of this series for more about how to cultivate the garden of the brain using the mind, including examples from my work helping teachers trapped in the negativity bias.

Teaching with the Brain in Mind

What do circle time, science, mindfulness, and self-reflection have in common?

Find out in Pre-K Teach and Play’s Podcast 21: Teaching with the Brain in Mind with Laura Fish

Six main concepts are explored in this episode:

  1. How to get teachers/colleagues to buy in to a change in practice (“mindset before method”)
  2. Why focal attention, novelty, repetition, and emotional arousal are the necessary ingredients for optimal learning
  3. How to teach from a brain perspective so we strengthen the part of the brain the child will need to use “next”
  4. Why interpersonal neurobiology helps us to make the connection among brain, mind, and relationships
  5. How to use mindfulness in Preschool contexts
  6. Why school readiness does not mean replicating Kindergarten in Preschool so children are “ready” for school

For the free download about tips for self-reflection, please subscribe to my blog below to the right. Request your download, and I’ll be happy to send it to you!

Are you an AWARE parent?

Attuned, Willing, Available, Responsive, Emotionally Intelligent

AWARE parenting is an approach I created based on a confluence of practices from various parenting, psychological, sociological, and neuroscientific influences.

The approach starts with adults committing to a stance of openness and receptivity in regard to caring for their children. From there, I delve into the five components of AWARE parenting designed to capture some of the key practices that promote social and emotional development, prevent challenging behavior, and offer interventions for challenges that arise.

In trainings or in private practice sessions with parents, we explore the five components of AWARE parenting. Let me briefly highlight them here:

Attuned parents are curious about their child’s internal landscape: what is she thinking, feeling, believing, understanding? By considering your child’s perspective, you communicate with your child, not to your child, in the context of back and forth exchanges that convey the message, “I see you, I hear you. You matter to me.”

Willing means a willingness to parent with intentionality, thoughtful self-reflection, ongoing exploration of child development, and a deep commitment to understanding the child behind the behavior. Parents who are willing engage in ways that are developmentally appropriate for each individual child, not with a one size fits all approach.

Available includes being both physically AND emotionally present.

Responsive is an integrated state of being that allows parents to consider how to respond to their children in the moment versus reacting to behaviors without consideration. Reactivity often leads to shaming and blaming children, while responsivity creates opportunities for children to learn while also salvaging the connection with the parent.

Emotionally Intelligent parents tune in to their interior landscape (feelings that arise when buttons get pushed) as a first step to teaching their children how to identify, understand, express and THEN manage their emotions.

With the AWARE framework, you will gain an understanding of the brain reasons for children’s behaviors as well as the mind methods for how to bring about the desired changes. You will be parenting based on science, not habits, to promote healthy development of the child’s mind, brain and relationships.

AWARE parenting is a process that constantly evolves with the child, not a step-by-step approach. It is a framework that provides parents with the structure to guide their parenting along with the freedom to choose developmentally appropriate practices that align with their family culture; strategies that fit with their values, perceptions, and beliefs.

For more information about AWARE parenting, child development, or support for your family, please visit www.laurafishtherapy.com or email me at laura@laurafishtherapy.com.  I’m happy to help.

Attuned Interactions and Contingent Communication

If you would like to learn about an approach for connecting with children to prevent challenging behavior and promote healthy development, please listen to me discuss Attunement and Contingent Communication on the Early Childhood Research Podcast, Episode 19:

Attunement is believed to be one of the 9 functions of the pre-frontal cortex, a highly integrative area of the brain necessary for healthy social and emotional development as well as cognitive functioning. Find out more about this important topic by listening to the podcast.

Thank you so much to Liz Hah for asking me to join her on the program. Please visit her website for more wonderful podcasts as well as free downloads to support young children’s healthy development: http://www.lizs-early-learning-spot.com/

You can also find a written transcript of this podcast there along with some cool graphics Liz designed.

Please let me know what you think of the episode as well as any questions you might have about how I might help you learn the strategies discussed in the interview.

Check back soon for more blog posts regarding ways to promote social and emotional development in children!

Believe in change…

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks!” This outdated aphorism is actually quite false.

Luckily, neuroscientists have shown that the brain actually has the ability to grow, or change, throughout the life span. This means you absolutely can teach that “old dog” new ways of being in the world. My job is to help you figure out what it is you want to change and how you might go about it.

In therapy, we will follow these steps to affect change:

1.  Clarify what you want: many times we get stuck in old patterns of thinking or behaving because we know we want to stop these things, but we don’t envision what another way of being might look like. It’s important to have a clear vision for what you are working toward in order to chart your course. I will help you break down broad goals such as, “I just want to feel better,” or “I want to be happy in my relationships,” into clear objectives that we can work toward such as “I want to be able to let go of troubling thoughts more easily” or “I want to learn steps for resolving conflicts and moving on after they occur” or “I want my partner and I to talk about tough issues calmly and compassionately.” In therapy, I refer to this as clarifying what you want to call forward into your life.

2.  Identify the source of the struggle:  through listening deeply to the story of your lived experience, I will help you identify where some of the behaviors you want to change come from and how they became so seemingly entrenched; in short, why you do what you do. This matters because, in order to affect lasting change, it helps to begin at the source just as you pull a weed out at its root so it doesn’t grow back. In therapy, this may involve starting with healing past wounds, understanding how behaviors may have served you at one time in your life or revealing the brain reasons for your behavior. I call it identifying what you want to leave behind.

3.  Chart your course for change: now that you have an idea of what you want to leave behind and what you want to call forward, how do you get there?  Having listened deeply to you during steps 1 and 2, I will offer a set of strategies tailored to your unique life experience for you to choose from to make the changes you desire.  Your job is to have the courage and commitment to try the strategies out. It isn’t always easy!

The steps for change have no set time frame. Everyone goes through them at a different pace depending upon their reflective capacity, the intensity of the issue, and their willingness to implement the strategies for change. To help, I will provide you with guidance on how to take the steps with self-compassion and mindfulness, pausing throughout to celebrate your efforts.

There is no shortcut to lasting change, but the path may be made more smooth and efficient when you work with someone like myself who possesses knowledge of the connection between brain, mind, and relationships and how to use that knowledge to create choice and change.