Category: Relationships

Conscious Communication

Photographer: Brooke Shaden

Emotional well-being flows from the ability to clearly communicate what you need. This is not an inborn gift, but a skill to be learned.

Where to start?

By tuning inward: learning to become conscious, or aware, of your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, beliefs, and bodily sensations. What is here, now? Then expressing what you find and what you need. To speak courageously, from the heart.

Such introspection, however, may activate a sense of vulnerability. When people feel vulnerable, they commonly compensate by becoming demanding and threatening, believing that forcefulness will increase the likelihood of getting what they need, or they retreat into a state of shut down and cut-off. Neither approach effectively gets one’s needs met. A demand implies that the recipient is of lesser value than the giver and, therefore, that the giver has the right to dictate to others. Even if you give in to my demands, you will likely do so with resistance and resentment. If you rescue me from my state of retreat, I am likely to resent you or be disgusted with myself for my perceived victimization.

Of course, the origin of such behavioral reactions comes from outside our conscious awareness: the nervous system is scanning, and detecting, a danger or threat to our well-being in such moments. When our needs for emotional and physical safety, satisfaction and connection are not being met, our nervous system does it’s best to protect us; unfortunately, we develop unhealthy habits of fighting, fleeing, or freezing (shutting down/cutting off) instead of socially engaging to get those needs met.

Conscious communication starts with activating and strengthening our social engagement system’s capacity to collaborate and connect with ourselves and others in healthy ways to get our needs met. It invites an openness and receptivity to see what “is” without judgment, shame or blame, welcoming all involved to identify, understand and express what “is” on the way to seeking resolution and repair. This principle applies to all relationships, including those with your business partners, co-workers, friends, children, and parents.

Practicing Conscious Communication

In this article, I’ve slightly modified Marshall Rosenberg’s four-step process, plus added two steps that will help you start on the path to becoming a master of conscious communication.

1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset. Consider what happened, being as objective as possible. Just describe the facts as if you were an outside observer. For example, saying, “My husband is never on time,” is less useful than saying, “My husband agreed to meet at the movie theater at 7 p.m. and didn’t show up until 7:30.”

2. Take responsibility for your feelings. When describing your feelings, choose words that express the sensations you’re experiencing, such as “I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or jealous.” Avoid words that shame or blame the other: “You make me feel.” When you take responsibility for your emotions, you invite the other person to connect versus defend.

3. Identify what you need that you are not receiving. As infants, many of us had caregivers trying to figure out what we needed because we could not identify our needs and communicate them ourselves. Others had caregivers who did not try to meet our needs or were unsafe physically and/or emotionally. As adults, we may subconsciously expect loved ones to know what we need and spontaneously provide it, or we may subconsciously believe the other person can never meet our needs. You are much more likely to get your needs met if you can identify them and communicate them consciously and clearly: “It would help me if I know of changes that will impact what time you meet me,” or “To feel secure/safe/connected, it helps me to be certain of the time of your arrival.”

4. Ask for what you want. What specific behaviors or actions would fulfill your needs? For example, if you want more engagement from your partner, do not just ask him or her to spend more time with you; ask for something specific: to take a walk after dinner, or go to a movie on Saturday night. Express your need in the form of a request rather than a demand: “I’d love to spend more time together. Would you like to take a walk after dinner or go to a movie?” Or in regard to a pattern that isn’t working, “How can we create a system that works for both of us regarding tracking time?” Everyone has an inherent impulse to resist demands, whereas our sense of emotional safety, satisfaction and connection likely increases when we’re asked to be part of fulfilling a request or resolving an issue.

5. Consider the four gates of speech before you speak: Is this True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary? Is Now the Right Time to Say it? Part of being conscious in your communication is pausing to be present with what you are thinking, sensing, and feeling before you share with your partner. Never dismissing or denying your experience; but rather, looking inward to consider if what you want to speak to the other person is the truth versus some fear, mistaken belief, or narrative from childhood. Communicating the truth with kindness doesn’t mean you never say anything difficult; instead, it means considering whether this truth may benefit the other person as well as yourself. Considering if it is necessary to say it will help with the kindness aspect: must this truth be spoken now? The necessity is inextricably linked to the importance you place on the topic coupled with your belief that communication around the topic will benefit the relationship in the end. Finally, consider the timing: while what you have to say may be true, kind and necessary, is now the time to say it? This doesn’t mean avoiding important discussions, it means being aware, or conscious, of your partner’s ability to engage openly and receptively at that moment.  These four gates of speech may take practice to implement with fidelity. For most people, they go against our habitual way of speaking.

6. Add in what I call the 5th gate of speech: In my experience, conscious communication may break down when the speaker isn’t ready to hear the listener’s response. He or she has the desire to be heard, which is absolutely imperative, but equally important is the willingness to hear your partner’s response. Before initiating communication, consider asking yourself: “Am I ready to hear the response to what I have to say?” Being ready to listen and be changed by what you hear are two healthy components to communicating. If you only focus on your perspective, on what you think, feel, sense and believe, then you are not consciously communicating, you are telling.

Although using this process doesn’t guarantee that you’ll always get your needs met, it will substantially increase the likelihood that you’ll spend more time feeling comfortable and at ease with communication, and less time in emotional distress. Conscious Communication is best practiced alongside the tenets of the Couples Dialogue that I teach to clients from Imago Therapy. For more on that framework, email me at laura@laurafishtherapy.com.

This article was adapted in 2018 by Laura Fish, LMFT. The skills of conscious communication and emotional awareness are vital components of the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle Certification Program.

The Negativity Trap: part 2

In Part 1 of “The Negativity Trap,” you learned the brain’s reasons for focusing on the negative as well as some mind methods for balancing out that bias. I shared Rick Hanson’s beautiful metaphor of cultivating the garden of the brain using the mind to witness the garden, pull the weeds, or plant flowers as an approach to creating such balance.

Now let’s take a closer look at the three ways to cultivate the garden of your brain using your mind:

1) Witness the garden: being with what is there means tuning in to whatever is present: the good, the bad and even what may seem neutral. As you survey your garden of experiences, allow your attention to land on both the flowers and the weeds while remaining open and receptive to seeing what is there without trying to change it at first.  Next, shift your gaze inward toward intrapersonal attunement: what am I thinking, feeling, sensing, remembering, or perceiving in relationship to what I am noticing in my surroundings?

Tara Brach calls this practice taking a “U-turn” back toward self. Shifting your awareness from what is happening “out there” toward your internal state of mind and body. This aspect of mindfulness helps you develop a relationship between what is happening externally with that internally, a practice which activates the process of integration for your mind, brain and even your relationships.

Ultimately, an integrated brain supports your ability to respond versus react, creating a space between stimulus and response for a more balanced way of being in the world. With the negativity bias, the brain is primed to react when left unsupervised by the mind.

Consider the following example of a preschool teacher I coached through avoiding the negativity trap by using her mind to cultivate the garden of her brain. After observing her classroom that morning, we met as she described, in an understandably very agitated manner, the behavior of a four-year-old she deemed “out of control”: the child had been turning over tables, cursing, hitting children and staff, running out of the room and failing to follow the classroom’s rules in general. As her coach, I spent a good amount of time actively listening to her narrative, asking her questions to help her tell the story of this child, and validating her perspective. Everything the teacher told me about what was happening with the child, was negative. Since I was there, I could verify it all really happened.

After helping her tell the story of this child’s behavior, I asked her to practice intrapersonal attunement regarding this narrative. I guided her to make the “U-turn” to go inward: exploring her thoughts about the situation, her feelings, the sensations she may have in her body as she recalled the child’s behaviors, what images/memories she might recall related to what she was experiencing and any beliefs that might be arising.  In this way, I gently encouraged her to shift her focus from “out there” i.e., on the child, to “in here,” i.e., her state of mind and body. I wanted her to witness and experience her relationship to this child’s behavior: what did his behavior ignite inside her? When I meet with teachers to reflect and plan about children with challenging behavior, we start with observation. Such observation, however, includes exploration of the adult’s mental activity and body awareness, not just the behavior of the child.

What came to light from this reflective process was how her values, perceptions and beliefs about challenging behavior in general, and this child specifically, were linked to experiences and memories from her upbringing as well as her training as a teacher. While she felt she had to scan her classroom for dangerous or negative behavior, she realized that mostly seeing the “weeds” activated her fight, flight or freeze response. She was anxious almost all day around this child. The teacher felt her colleagues, supervisor and the families would see her as incompetent if she couldn’t control this child, and she believed she didn’t have the skill to handle the behaviors this child displayed.

Her beliefs about challenging behavior as well as her reactive stress response to such behavior led to her current feelings of anxiousness, helplessness, overwhelm, worthlessness and even anger which manifested in sensations of pain in her back and tightness in her shoulders. She had been on “autopilot” for so long, that she had never stopped to notice the details of her experience, she just knew she felt “crummy” at the end of every day. I validated her perspective and her emotions, encouraging her to offer loving kindness and compassion toward herself instead of judging herself for being triggered.

This teacher had never stopped to consider the connection between what was happening “out there” in the classroom with what was “in here” (mental activity) because she was always in a rush to fix it, to stop the behavior.  This is true for most teachers given the demands of their daily work and lack of time they are given to engage in reflection. By pausing to “be with what is here,” the teacher acknowledged some of the feelings that kept her trapped in the negative and experienced a slight shift of relief by naming them with an attuned other present. From there, we could move forward with other aspects of cultivating the garden of her brain to help her balance out the negativity bias.

2) Pull the weeds: letting go of what isn’t serving you, the “bad,” starts by noticing both the external and the internal challenges with the intention of retrieving, reflecting and then releasing…not getting stuck there.  Instead of being highjacked by the negative, or feeling like you are “in the weeds,” you tune into what is there with presence and purpose giving it the loving kindness, compassion and non-judgement that creates the balance you need to allow you to release the negative— to pull the weeds at the root, hopefully! Pulling the weeds with intention not from a state of reactivity.

As the teacher above continued her narrative of the child with the challenging behavior, I helped her identify what she might change in herself first before she asked for changes in the child. What outdated software, or beliefs, might she be running about challenging behavior in general and specifically about the expectations for this child that she could let go of, or update, to help her feel more balanced, less overwhelmed? Like a computer, our minds need updates in order to for our brains to run efficiently!

In this case, the teacher was overly linked to the child: she was reacting to the scary behavior versus responding to it due to the thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories this behavior triggered in her. Because she did not differentiate herself from the behavior or the child, she was in the weeds, highjacked by the pressure she felt to “fix” it. Understandable, yes, but efficient or satisfying, no!

The teacher spent time acknowledging her feelings of worthlessness, overwhelm, helplessness and anger that arose as she told the story and realized that these feelings directly tied to an internal narrative  she developed over the course of her life: to be successful and competent she couldn’t fail, she had to always fix the problem, her feelings didn’t matter, and as a teacher she had to manage the classroom by controlling the children or others would judge her and she would be a failure. All these beliefs contributed to her current feeling state and ultimately, she was angry about it all.

Clearly, there were a lot of “weeds” to be pulled from the internal narratives that were draining her battery. How could anyone expect to live up to these standards? And yet, many of you likely have a similar set of values, perceptions and beliefs about yourself and the world. We began to talk about how she could update her software about challenging behavior and her role as the teacher to begin the process of letting go of what wasn’t serving her.

3) Grow the flowers: the teacher’s negativity bias had her seeing only “weeds” when she surveyed the garden of her classroom, but with mindfulness she was able to tune into her mental activity and realize the connection between the child’s behaviors and her brain’s reactivity regarding those behaviors. Clearly, the child’s behavior was dangerous both physically and emotionally for himself, other children, and the staff; and yet, my goal was to help the teacher learn how to cultivate a responsive, reflective state of mind to help this child versus being caught in the trap of negativity and reactivity.

Once we helped her identify, understand, and express her emotions as well as update some of her beliefs, I asked her to consider the child’s strengths: what were some positive things she could say about him and/or her relationship with him? The process of tuning in, reflecting, and mindfully exploring what was “there” with non -judgement, loving-kindness and compassion for herself allowed her to move to this step of extending those same feelings toward the child and recalling several strengths. Next, she extended the same consideration for herself and her co-workers: what strengths did they bring to bear in this situation? At that point, she was in a more integrated state of mind and brain, able to explore the functional assessment process to create a behavior support plan for the child and her.

The human brain is wired to scan for what is missing or what is wrong to keep you safe…thank goodness! And yet, this circuitry may work overtime when left without the supervision of the mind, activating the reactive circuitry in your brain that leaves you feeling drained, regretful, stuck or burned out. Harnessing the mind’s power to direct your attention, consider starting a practice of noticing the positive. Allow yourself to linger there. Absorb the positive. Don’t rush past it. By activating this practice of taking in the good, you begin to create a balanced brain with circuitry that moves toward openness and receptivity; in short, to respond versus react from an integrated brain. With repeated activation, you will install this trait of responsiveness which primes you to grow a garden filled with flowers and to pull the weeds when needed with the presence and purposefulness versus habit and harriedness.

If you would like to receive training or coaching on this topic, or just to learn more about the mind, brain and behaviors, please visit me at consulting.laurafishtherapy.com.

Seeing the Child Behind the Behavior

When children have challenging behavior, it is easy to get stuck trying to “stop” the behavior. Unfortunately, they often ends up with a lot of pain and suffering for either the adult, the child, or both.

When we begin to understand how basic needs and function of behavior drive the brain to react or respond, our approach toward children with challenging behavior becomes more inclusive, attuned and effective!

With some brain basics, you can be on your way to a more safe, satisfying and connected relationship with the child or children in your life.

Find out more with Laura in Pre-K Teach and Play’s Podcast 27: Seeing the Child Behind the Behavior

To start working smarter, not harder, with children make sure you read more about the brain reasons for behavior in this article from Laura: Seeing the Child Behind the Behavior.

Bridging Communication Challenges

Conscious Communication

Emotional well-being flows from the ability to clearly communicate what you need. This isn’t an inborn gift, but a learnable skill.

Where to start? With oneself: learning to become conscious, or aware, of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations, then connecting those to a need and expressing that need.

Such introspection, however, may activate a sense of vulnerability. When people feel vulnerable, they commonly compensate by becoming demanding and threatening, believing that forcefulness will increase the likelihood of getting what they want. This approach often has the opposite effect. A demand implies that the recipient is of lesser value than the giver and, therefore, that the giver has the right to dictate to others. Even if you give in to my demands, you will likely do so with resistance and resentment. Sooner or later, you will no longer be willing to acquiesce and will stop meeting my needs.

In contrast, conscious communication invites an openness and receptivity to see what “is” without judgment, shame or blame, inviting both people to collaborate to understand and repair the issue. This principle applies to all relationships, including those with your business partners, co-workers, friends, children, and parents.

Practicing Conscious Communication

I’ve slightly modified Marshall Rosenberg’s four-step process, plus added two steps that will help you start on the path to becoming a master of conscious communication.

  1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset.Consider what happened, being as objective as possible. Just describe the facts as if you were an outside observer. For example, saying, “My husband is never on time,” is less useful than saying, “My husband agreed to meet at the movie theater at 7 p.m. and didn’t show up until 7:30.”
  2. Take responsibility for your feelings.When describing your feelings, choose words that express the sensations you’re experiencing, such as “I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or jealous.” Avoid words that reinforce a sense of victimization: “I feel neglected, betrayed, or rejected.” If you feel those feelings, fine, just reflect further to see what others might be there. When you take responsibility for your emotions, you are informing rather than blaming the people in your life.
  3. Identify what you need that you are not receiving.As infants, many of us had caregivers trying to figure out what we needed because we could not identify our needs and communicate them ourselves. Others had caregivers who did not try to meet our needs or were unsafe physically and/or emotionally. As adults, we may subconsciously expect loved ones to know what we need and spontaneously provide it, or we may subconsciously believe the other person can never meet our needs. You are much more likely to get your needs met if you can identify them and communicate them clearly: “It would help me if I know of changes that will impact what time you meet me,” or “To feel secure/safe/connected, it helps me to be certain of the time of your arrival.”
  4. Ask for what you want.What specific behaviors or actions would fulfill your needs? For example, if you want more engagement from your partner, do not just ask him or her to spend more time with you; ask to take a walk after dinner, or go to a movie on Saturday night. Express your need in the form of a request rather than a demand: “How can we create a system that works for both of us regarding tracking time?” Everyone has an inherent impulse to resist demands, whereas our sense of satisfaction and connection goes up when we’re able to fulfill requests.
  5. Consider the four gates of speech before you speak: Is this True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary? Is Now the Right Time to Say it? Part of being conscious in your communication is pausing to be present with what you are thinking, sensing, and feeling before you share with your partner. Never dismissing or denying your experience; but rather, looking inward to consider if what you want to speak to the other person is the truth versus some fear, mistaken belief, or narrative from childhood. Communicating the truth with kindness doesn’t mean you never say anything difficult; instead, it means considering whether this truth may benefit the other person as well as yourself. Considering if it is necessary to say it will help with the kindness aspect: must this truth be spoken now? The necessity is inextricably linked to the importance you place on the topic coupled with your belief that communication around the topic will benefit the relationship in the end. Finally, consider the timing: while what you have to say may be true, kind and necessary, is now the time to say it? This doesn’t mean avoiding important discussions, it means being aware, or conscious, of your partner’s ability to engage openly and receptively at that moment.
  6. Add in what I call the 5th gate of speech: In my experience, conscious communication may break down when the speaker isn’t ready to hear the listener’s response. He or she has the desire to be heard, which is absolutely imperative, but equally important is the willingness to hear one’s partner’s response. Before initiating communication, consider asking yourself: “Am I ready to hear the response?” Being ready to listen and be changed by what you hear are two healthy components to communicating. If we only focus on our perspective, on what we think, feel, sense and believe, then we are not consciously communicating, we are telling.

Although using this process doesn’t guarantee that you’ll always get your needs met, it will substantially increase the likelihood that you’ll spend more time feeling comfortable and at ease with communication, and less time in emotional distress.

This article was adapted in 2018 by Laura Fish, LMFT. The skills of conscious communication and emotional awareness are vital components of the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle Certification Program.

 

 

Transforming Relationships

I draw from many sources to find help for couples struggling to stay together, to consider the perspective illustrated by the Chinese character for Crisis: a time of danger and opportunity.  Inspired by the work of Tara Brach, I’ve recently started asking them this question when they feel like all may be lost: “Might you consider what is happening right now as the Darkness of the Womb versus the Darkness of the Tomb?” 

In other words, are you willing to use this moment in time to transform suffering into an opportunity to birth new life into your relationship?

How do people open to new ways of thinking, feeling, interpreting and acting? This is complex, but it starts by harnessing the power of attention to create choice and change. You cannot control your partner’s actions, but you do have the power to choose what you do with that information.  Do you want to hold on to it, rehearse it, find more evidence to support it, or do you want to notice what happened, feel your feelings, express them, and find the opportunity for the two of you to grow in response to the stressor?

Where attention goes, neural firing flows, and integration grows. This quote by Daniel Siegel captures the essence of how the mind may be used to change the brain to promote health and well-being in oneself and in  relationships. What we pay attention to gets stronger; if the object of that attention is solely how awful your partner is, that is what will remain. While it is natural to attend to thoughts and feelings that arise from stress within your relationship, it is also possible to expand your focus to include the wider perspective of what is working in the here and now as well as what might help to bring about change.

I help couples start the process of birthing new life into their relationships by having each member do some attention training:

1) Don’t believe thoughts that breed separation, hatred, anger, and resentment: while your thoughts may be real, are they true? Maybe the thoughts have valuable information for you, but do they get carried away into areas that represent more of your fears, or your exaggerations, or your doubts e.g., “She’ll never change. She is just like this,” or “He is always disregarding me. He doesn’t care about me anymore.” Beliefs are powerful. But are they true? I help clients engage in focused exploration of their thoughts to find what is useful information and what is not entirely helpful or true. Finding evidence that does not support the hot thought creates potential for the birth of healing in the relationship.

2) Feel your feelings: your brain is wired to turn away from pain, including emotional pain. But what you resist persists, so the pain from feelings unexpressed doesn’t disappear. It’s possible to train the mind to be open and receptive to feelings without getting swept up in them, trapped in pain that you can’t recover from. Using openness and objectivity, I teach clients to observe, express and integrate whatever feelings arise so the old habits of pushing feelings away are left behind.

3) Turn toward what is going well, or love: our brains are wired to scan for danger, to track what is potentially harmful. You can override this mechanism by training your attention to notice and linger upon what is going well. One of the greatest pitfalls I see as couples try to work through problems is one or both members not appreciating the positive changes his or her partner is making because they are predicting the change won’t last. In this waiting for the shoe to drop mentality, you block the birth of growth and change in our relationships.

4) Act from your awakening heart: imagine yourself moving through each day from your heart center, a heart that is open, curious, accepting and loving, that is in the present moment, not driven by protecting itself from your partner’s past actions or hurtful ways of being.

I often see people who are clinging desperately to the story of how bad their partner is, interpreting every moment in the here and now through the lens of then and there. It’s also common for people to eschew the ideas of “feeling your feelings” and “acting from the heart” as just psychobabble. I get that a lot, and I understand that perspective.  It comes from the lack of education people are given about how the mind and brain work in the context of relationship. When someone feels hurt by a loved one, the brain sends signals of “Danger/Fight/Flee” automatically. The person will remain stuck in this defensive mode if he or she hasn’t yet learned the skill of using the mind to engage attention in ways that can soothe the brain to return the mind to an open, receptive state. The place where stressors can be transformed into opportunities.

Sometimes it takes a therapist as an attuned “other” to help two people who have become lost in their narrative of the other to use their minds to change their brains so they may bring forward a new, healthier chapter in their lives. With Tara Brach’s beautiful metaphor of the womb versus the tomb and the training of attention, change is possible!

Is this the end?

I had a man in session with his wife last week questioning whether therapy would actually help their relationship. Fair question.

This couple had been working with me for four sessions spread out over eight weeks and the tension and distance remained. The husband had done some research and the outcome for couples in therapy “wasn’t good,” he told me, “no offense.”

None taken.

Therapists aren’t miracle workers and counseling isn’t magic. Sometimes people come to therapy and their relationships will still end. But the research about the efficacy of counseling may not make clear two important variables that impact the potential outcome: the timing of the entry into therapy and the effort made in between sessions to affect change.

Couples often come to therapy when they are seriously considering ending the relationship. They may feel they have tried everything, that change seems nearly impossible, and that the other person needs fixing. Unfortunately, this constellation of beliefs and feelings is not the best foundation for cultivating change. It’s still possible, but each person must be willing to put in the effort to gain clarity amidst the conflict, heal the wounds, and replace old habits with new, healthier, ways of relating.

So how do you know when it is time to seek out help for your relationship? If you are influenced by the stigma that only “crazy” people go to therapy or only couples on the brink of demise need help, you may want to consider updating these views before “The Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse,” show up in your relationship.

Relationship researcher and therapist Dr. John Gottman uses this phrase signifying the end of days to describe four communication patterns highly correlated with relationships at risk of collapse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. 

Watch Dr. Gottman discussing these patterns on Anderson Cooper’s talk show to see if they seem familiar to you.

First, Criticism and Contempt:

As a result of repeated experiences with Criticism and Contempt one or both partners may succumb to Defensiveness or Stonewalling:

While “The Four Horsemen” are not the only communication missteps that trip couples up, they are common enough to be identified as clear risk factors for the end of days for couples. I like to refer to this in therapy because it highlights for people that it is not just the content of conversations that lead to trouble in a relationship, but also the process of communicating. In short, it’s both what you say and how you say it.

The earlier you begin to cast the spotlight of your attention onto the communication patterns in your relationship, the more likely you are to stop an unhealthy process that leads to hurt, distance, and eventually dissolution of the relationship.

I told the couple sitting with me last week that I can not predict if their marriage will last, that I do not have a quick and easy formula to give them to magically transform their relationship; but with time and effort they can rebuild their connection with attuned communication, patience and practice.

If you can identify any of the four unhealthy communication styles discussed above as part of your relationship, consider seeking help. Don’t wait until you can hear the hooves of the horses galloping through every conversation you are having trampling upon and destroying the love that was once there.

Please email me with questions about how you and your partner can achieve healing for lasting change: laura@laurafishtherapy.com.

Building Trust in Relationships

No matter what the content of the conflict that couples present during therapy, the process of healing always includes rebuilding the trust that has been eroded. Loss of trust does not just come from cheating or lying, it suffers wounds from the elements of ongoing conflict: feelings of not being heard, considered, understood, valued, or loved.

Over time, dissent likely leads to disconnection, and the loss of trust that one’s partner really is capable of, and interested in, being “on my side,” as couples so often put it.

My approach to rebuilding trust begins with teaching clients how to notice and tune into moments that offer an invitation to turn toward their partner, tune into their perspective, and validate their thoughts, feelings, and sensations.  With repetition, each member of the couple may re-build a sense of connection, feeling felt, and being understood by the other that serves to buoy them in times of stress.

When conflict arises, as it will, each member of the couple may be better equipped to handle the tension that arises, because his or her “emotional fuel tank” has been filled by deep listening, perspective taking, and emotional validation. Each person can trust that the other genuinely cares, clearly understands, and holds the other’s best interest at heart because of the moments that have been spent tuning into each other.

Dr. John Gottman calls this building trust in “Sliding door moments.” Listen to what he has to say about trust:

I collaborate with couples to help them identify and maximize those “Sliding Door” moments in order to protect the relationship from the divisive effects of turning away or turning toward the other with defensiveness, shame, and blame that lead to lost of trust.

I’ve adapted the “ATTUNE” framework Gottman mentions and added in a version to be used with emotionally charged topics that couples repeatedly bump up against. I find with practice, couples stop bringing in “issues” for me to help them resolve because they have a framework for communicating about whatever arises with a sense of confidence, connection and clarity. It’s incredible to witness people rediscovering the love they still feel for the other when they feared it might be lost.

Find out more about the process of rebuilding trust with attuned communication by emailing me today: laura@laurafishtherapy.com.

 

Finding your Bliss

In his sculpture, Bliss Dance, Marco Cochrane depicts a woman who is “genuinely happy in her own space,” so she dances.

When I stumbled upon this 40-foot tall sculpture on a freezing cold, yet crystal clear evening exploring San Francisco’s Treasure Island back in 2013, I was literally awestruck. Not only was she beautiful, with the ever- changing lights casting different hues upon her from below, but the backdrop of the Bay Bridge and San Francisco skyline made her seem utterly human.

It occurred to me that this type of freedom, presence, disinhibition and yes, bliss, was possible. I felt it standing there.

But what is bliss, and how do you find it? I believe these answers are vastly different for each person; however, to be genuinely happy in your “space” as Cochrane calls it you may have to do some cleaning up of that said space.

To begin, ask yourself, “What might I need to leave behind and what might I want to call forward into my life to find bliss?” Listen deeply to what comes to you.

For many of us, the clutter of unmet childhood needs, lingering adolescent hurts, relationship disappointments, work failures, or other social and emotional life wounds make their way into our current lives, impacting our thoughts, feelings, behaviors…with or without our awareness. When we slow down, become still and allow ourselves to notice, it may become clear that our space is too crowded.

Clearing the path to bliss begins with introspection, being curious about the interior landscape of your body and mind in order to promote integration. Approaching what you find in your space with openness and objectivity is the next step toward that integration, a way of organizing the clutter, and maybe even moving some out for good. Yet the goal is not to eliminate those life objects occupying your space, but to dance despite their presence, with full awareness of the role they might play in your happiness.

I encourage you to look for bliss in moments of time, not hours, days, or years. If you feel the bliss dance moment, take it…but be open to finding it on a cold, clear night, in the middle of a field on an island floating atop San Francisco Bay.

 

 

Believe in change…

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks!” This outdated aphorism is actually quite false.

Luckily, neuroscientists have shown that the brain actually has the ability to grow, or change, throughout the life span. This means you absolutely can teach that “old dog” new ways of being in the world. My job is to help you figure out what it is you want to change and how you might go about it.

In therapy, we will follow these steps to affect change:

1.  Clarify what you want: many times we get stuck in old patterns of thinking or behaving because we know we want to stop these things, but we don’t envision what another way of being might look like. It’s important to have a clear vision for what you are working toward in order to chart your course. I will help you break down broad goals such as, “I just want to feel better,” or “I want to be happy in my relationships,” into clear objectives that we can work toward such as “I want to be able to let go of troubling thoughts more easily” or “I want to learn steps for resolving conflicts and moving on after they occur” or “I want my partner and I to talk about tough issues calmly and compassionately.” In therapy, I refer to this as clarifying what you want to call forward into your life.

2.  Identify the source of the struggle:  through listening deeply to the story of your lived experience, I will help you identify where some of the behaviors you want to change come from and how they became so seemingly entrenched; in short, why you do what you do. This matters because, in order to affect lasting change, it helps to begin at the source just as you pull a weed out at its root so it doesn’t grow back. In therapy, this may involve starting with healing past wounds, understanding how behaviors may have served you at one time in your life or revealing the brain reasons for your behavior. I call it identifying what you want to leave behind.

3.  Chart your course for change: now that you have an idea of what you want to leave behind and what you want to call forward, how do you get there?  Having listened deeply to you during steps 1 and 2, I will offer a set of strategies tailored to your unique life experience for you to choose from to make the changes you desire.  Your job is to have the courage and commitment to try the strategies out. It isn’t always easy!

The steps for change have no set time frame. Everyone goes through them at a different pace depending upon their reflective capacity, the intensity of the issue, and their willingness to implement the strategies for change. To help, I will provide you with guidance on how to take the steps with self-compassion and mindfulness, pausing throughout to celebrate your efforts.

There is no shortcut to lasting change, but the path may be made more smooth and efficient when you work with someone like myself who possesses knowledge of the connection between brain, mind, and relationships and how to use that knowledge to create choice and change.