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Are you an AWARE parent?

Attuned, Willing, Available, Responsive, Emotionally Intelligent

AWARE parenting is an approach I created based on a confluence of practices from various parenting, psychological, sociological, and neuroscientific influences.

The approach starts with adults committing to a stance of openness and receptivity in regard to caring for their children. From there, I delve into the five components of AWARE parenting designed to capture some of the key practices that promote social and emotional development, prevent challenging behavior, and offer interventions for challenges that arise.

In trainings or in private practice sessions with parents, we explore the five components of AWARE parenting. Let me briefly highlight them here:

Attuned parents are curious about their child’s internal landscape: what is she thinking, feeling, believing, understanding? By considering your child’s perspective, you communicate with your child, not to your child, in the context of back and forth exchanges that convey the message, “I see you, I hear you. You matter to me.”

Willing means a willingness to parent with intentionality, thoughtful self-reflection, ongoing exploration of child development, and a deep commitment to understanding the child behind the behavior. Parents who are willing engage in ways that are developmentally appropriate for each individual child, not with a one size fits all approach.

Available includes being both physically AND emotionally present.

Responsive is an integrated state of being that allows parents to consider how to respond to their children in the moment versus reacting to behaviors without consideration. Reactivity often leads to shaming and blaming children, while responsivity creates opportunities for children to learn while also salvaging the connection with the parent.

Emotionally Intelligent parents tune in to their interior landscape (feelings that arise when buttons get pushed) as a first step to teaching their children how to identify, understand, express and THEN manage their emotions.

With the AWARE framework, you will gain an understanding of the brain reasons for children’s behaviors as well as the mind methods for how to bring about the desired changes. You will be parenting based on science, not habits, to promote healthy development of the child’s mind, brain and relationships.

AWARE parenting is a process that constantly evolves with the child, not a step-by-step approach. It is a framework that provides parents with the structure to guide their parenting along with the freedom to choose developmentally appropriate practices that align with their family culture; strategies that fit with their values, perceptions, and beliefs.

For more information about AWARE parenting, child development, or support for your family, please visit www.laurafishtherapy.com or email me at laura@laurafishtherapy.com.  I’m happy to help.

Is this the end?

I had a man in session with his wife last week questioning whether therapy would actually help their relationship. Fair question.

This couple had been working with me for four sessions spread out over eight weeks and the tension and distance remained. The husband had done some research and the outcome for couples in therapy “wasn’t good,” he told me, “no offense.”

None taken.

Therapists aren’t miracle workers and counseling isn’t magic. Sometimes people come to therapy and their relationships will still end. But the research about the efficacy of counseling may not make clear two important variables that impact the potential outcome: the timing of the entry into therapy and the effort made in between sessions to affect change.

Couples often come to therapy when they are seriously considering ending the relationship. They may feel they have tried everything, that change seems nearly impossible, and that the other person needs fixing. Unfortunately, this constellation of beliefs and feelings is not the best foundation for cultivating change. It’s still possible, but each person must be willing to put in the effort to gain clarity amidst the conflict, heal the wounds, and replace old habits with new, healthier, ways of relating.

So how do you know when it is time to seek out help for your relationship? If you are influenced by the stigma that only “crazy” people go to therapy or only couples on the brink of demise need help, you may want to consider updating these views before “The Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse,” show up in your relationship.

Relationship researcher and therapist Dr. John Gottman uses this phrase signifying the end of days to describe four communication patterns highly correlated with relationships at risk of collapse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. 

Watch Dr. Gottman discussing these patterns on Anderson Cooper’s talk show to see if they seem familiar to you.

First, Criticism and Contempt:

As a result of repeated experiences with Criticism and Contempt one or both partners may succumb to Defensiveness or Stonewalling:

While “The Four Horsemen” are not the only communication missteps that trip couples up, they are common enough to be identified as clear risk factors for the end of days for couples. I like to refer to this in therapy because it highlights for people that it is not just the content of conversations that lead to trouble in a relationship, but also the process of communicating. In short, it’s both what you say and how you say it.

The earlier you begin to cast the spotlight of your attention onto the communication patterns in your relationship, the more likely you are to stop an unhealthy process that leads to hurt, distance, and eventually dissolution of the relationship.

I told the couple sitting with me last week that I can not predict if their marriage will last, that I do not have a quick and easy formula to give them to magically transform their relationship; but with time and effort they can rebuild their connection with attuned communication, patience and practice.

If you can identify any of the four unhealthy communication styles discussed above as part of your relationship, consider seeking help. Don’t wait until you can hear the hooves of the horses galloping through every conversation you are having trampling upon and destroying the love that was once there.

Please email me with questions about how you and your partner can achieve healing for lasting change: laura@laurafishtherapy.com.

Building Trust in Relationships

No matter what the content of the conflict that couples present during therapy, the process of healing always includes rebuilding the trust that has been eroded. Loss of trust does not just come from cheating or lying, it suffers wounds from the elements of ongoing conflict: feelings of not being heard, considered, understood, valued, or loved.

Over time, dissent likely leads to disconnection, and the loss of trust that one’s partner really is capable of, and interested in, being “on my side,” as couples so often put it.

My approach to rebuilding trust begins with teaching clients how to notice and tune into moments that offer an invitation to turn toward their partner, tune into their perspective, and validate their thoughts, feelings, and sensations.  With repetition, each member of the couple may re-build a sense of connection, feeling felt, and being understood by the other that serves to buoy them in times of stress.

When conflict arises, as it will, each member of the couple may be better equipped to handle the tension that arises, because his or her “emotional fuel tank” has been filled by deep listening, perspective taking, and emotional validation. Each person can trust that the other genuinely cares, clearly understands, and holds the other’s best interest at heart because of the moments that have been spent tuning into each other.

Dr. John Gottman calls this building trust in “Sliding door moments.” Listen to what he has to say about trust:

I collaborate with couples to help them identify and maximize those “Sliding Door” moments in order to protect the relationship from the divisive effects of turning away or turning toward the other with defensiveness, shame, and blame that lead to lost of trust.

I’ve adapted the “ATTUNE” framework Gottman mentions and added in a version to be used with emotionally charged topics that couples repeatedly bump up against. I find with practice, couples stop bringing in “issues” for me to help them resolve because they have a framework for communicating about whatever arises with a sense of confidence, connection and clarity. It’s incredible to witness people rediscovering the love they still feel for the other when they feared it might be lost.

Find out more about the process of rebuilding trust with attuned communication by emailing me today: laura@laurafishtherapy.com.

 

Feeling Fragmented?

When I look at Picasso’s “Weeping Woman,” the abstract nature of the Cubist style reminds me how many of my clients feel: fragmented, disconnected, jumbled, emotionally vulnerable.

The barrage of information and images from social media and television coupled with the demands of being constantly “plugged in,” leave many people feeling overwhelmed, worn out, irritable, anxious, even depressed. Stillness and quiet seem to be a commodity even for those who do not have children, because of the pull to constantly check social media, respond to emails, tweets, likes on facebook, etc.

How can you find balance amidst the torrent of demands from your daily life? You can use your mind to change your brain, cultivating a habit of mind called “SIFT” by Daniel Siegel that has the potential to buffer you from stress.

To “SIFT” through your mind, invite yourself to pause and notice:

“What are my Sensations, Images, Feelings and Thoughts in this moment?”

Gently cast your gaze inward and see what is there. The goal is not to judge, change, or do anything with what you find. Just be open and receptive, curious. It’s the practice of looking inward that matters.

When you SIFT through your mind and your body in this way, you are calling upon the left and right hemispheres of the brain to work in concert, to cultivate both differentiation (doing what each part does best) and linkage (working together) to promote integration, a hallmark of mental health and well-being. Over time, this will help with the stress you feel from living a high paced life.

With daily practice, the “Weeping Woman” in Picasso’s masterpiece may emerge looking less fragmented to herself and others, with a clearer sense of self, an ability to observe and experience the demands of life from a bit of a distance to protect herself from stress, and a sense of well-being that comes from integration.

Email me to learn more about this and other mindfulness practices to promote Healing for Lasting Change.

The Power of Attention to Create Choice and Change

“Where attention goes, neural firing flows, and integration grows.” Daniel Siegel’s pithy phrase helps us remember that what we learn, what we master, starts with what we attend to…or what we don’t! You can’t control thoughts, but you can change your relationship with the thoughts.

Start by pausing now, closing your eyes, and just noticing what is your mind doing right now? Observe, do thoughts come and go rapidly, are they connected, is there a space between them?

Tuning in is the first step on the path toward using the power of attention to create choice and change, taking yourself off autopilot mode by simply asking yourself, “What’s there?” when it comes to your thoughts, feelings, sensations. For a nice introduction to this topic, watch Rick Hanson describe attention and some of the benefits you might receive by using your mind to change your brain.

Email me for more information or for group trainings I offer for teachers and parents regarding observation, mindfulness, and rewiring the brain.

 

Attuned Interactions and Contingent Communication

If you would like to learn about an approach for connecting with children to prevent challenging behavior and promote healthy development, please listen to me discuss Attunement and Contingent Communication on the Early Childhood Research Podcast, Episode 19:

Attunement is believed to be one of the 9 functions of the pre-frontal cortex, a highly integrative area of the brain necessary for healthy social and emotional development as well as cognitive functioning. Find out more about this important topic by listening to the podcast.

Thank you so much to Liz Hah for asking me to join her on the program. Please visit her website for more wonderful podcasts as well as free downloads to support young children’s healthy development: http://www.lizs-early-learning-spot.com/

You can also find a written transcript of this podcast there along with some cool graphics Liz designed.

Please let me know what you think of the episode as well as any questions you might have about how I might help you learn the strategies discussed in the interview.

Check back soon for more blog posts regarding ways to promote social and emotional development in children!

Finding your Bliss

In his sculpture, Bliss Dance, Marco Cochrane depicts a woman who is “genuinely happy in her own space,” so she dances.

When I stumbled upon this 40-foot tall sculpture on a freezing cold, yet crystal clear evening exploring San Francisco’s Treasure Island back in 2013, I was literally awestruck. Not only was she beautiful, with the ever- changing lights casting different hues upon her from below, but the backdrop of the Bay Bridge and San Francisco skyline made her seem utterly human.

It occurred to me that this type of freedom, presence, disinhibition and yes, bliss, was possible. I felt it standing there.

But what is bliss, and how do you find it? I believe these answers are vastly different for each person; however, to be genuinely happy in your “space” as Cochrane calls it you may have to do some cleaning up of that said space.

To begin, ask yourself, “What might I need to leave behind and what might I want to call forward into my life to find bliss?” Listen deeply to what comes to you.

For many of us, the clutter of unmet childhood needs, lingering adolescent hurts, relationship disappointments, work failures, or other social and emotional life wounds make their way into our current lives, impacting our thoughts, feelings, behaviors…with or without our awareness. When we slow down, become still and allow ourselves to notice, it may become clear that our space is too crowded.

Clearing the path to bliss begins with introspection, being curious about the interior landscape of your body and mind in order to promote integration. Approaching what you find in your space with openness and objectivity is the next step toward that integration, a way of organizing the clutter, and maybe even moving some out for good. Yet the goal is not to eliminate those life objects occupying your space, but to dance despite their presence, with full awareness of the role they might play in your happiness.

I encourage you to look for bliss in moments of time, not hours, days, or years. If you feel the bliss dance moment, take it…but be open to finding it on a cold, clear night, in the middle of a field on an island floating atop San Francisco Bay.